Lost Pieces (Kaylor)

21) Speak Now

"I got my letter back by the way. After we change back into our clothes, can I talk to you about it?"

It was like a bullet through her heart. All the regret and guilt was filling her lungs in her chest. She felt like she couldn't breathe. It couldn't have came so early. Fuck, she was screwed.
............................

Taylor impatiently waited for Karlie to get changed while she sat outside the change room back in her original clothes. She felt her palms growing sweaty as she thought more about how their conversation would go. She didn't understand why she was so nervous. Maybe she was more embarrassed than nervous. They both knew she had made a big mistake and that note was far from an apology in Taylor's mind. It was more of an explanation for why she was sending it back instead of an apology but in a way, it was maybe a quarter of an apology.

To be honest, she wasn't really sure anything could make up for a full apology from all the years. She was a wreak and she hated that Karlie had to deal with her but at the same time, she didn't want to lose her. She wanted her, nobody else. But she was also scared of imagining them in a relationship again. She was scared she would do something else to hurt her again and this would all start over. She didn't want that. 

All she wanted was balance and harmony. Something they had a while back but lost all thanks to her. She wanted a perfect harmony, but nothing could ever be perfect. She was getting her hopes up a little too much. Even if they ever did get back together, it wouldn't be the same. Karlie would trust her a little less of course which meant she wouldn't always feel comfortable coming to talk to Taylor about a problem or something that was on her mind. Taylor, on the other hand, wouldn't even be able to trust herself with words anymore. She would be so afraid of hurting her again that she might actually unintentional hurt her again. It happened in movies and books all the time. 

The click of the doorknob brought the older girl out of her trance. She looked up, slightly hesitant to meet Karlie's eyes but she did anyway. For the past five minutes, she had been dreading this talk. So here went nothing.

"Okay so, about the letter... I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty about leaving or anything like that, you know that, right?" Karlie started off their conversation with a question that she hoped the answer would be "yes" to. She didn't exactly want to talk about their failed relationship but she knew it had to be done.

"Yes."

"Good."

They fell silent after that, not making eye contact but swimming in the awkwardness around them. The tension grew with every passing moment. Taylor could feel herself stiffen at every slight movement the other girl made. She was about to mess something up, she knew it. Why was she so afraid then? It wasn't like she could lose Karlie again, she already had. Right?

"... What was that note for on the back?" Karlie asked hesitantly. She just wanted this conversation to go somewhere. She hated the tension.

"I think it's pretty self explanatory." The other blonde answered.

"Okay, stupid question..." She laughed awkwardly to herself, folding her hands in her lap and squeezing almost too tight. She began to dig her nails into her skin. If she felt the physical pain then she wouldn't have to feel the emotional pain, or so she hoped.

That wasn't the case.

The model glanced over to the other woman sitting about a foot or two away from her. She watched for a moment as her ex played with the skin around her nails. The smile wasn't there on her face anymore. It was replaced with a frown that only made Karlie's heart ache. She hated seeing anything other than a smile on her lips.