How Dare You?

III - Family

"Alex"

"Hi Ma." I just came home from school, and its rather unusual that my Mother is home this early of the day, we just see each other during dinner due to her busy schedule, but despite that she makes sure we'll see each other everyday. Si Mama na lang ang nagtratrabaho para sa akin, though may padala pa din naman ang Father ko, pero mostly si  Mama ang nagbibigay ng everyday needs namin.

"Your Kuya Marco called, he's asking if you'll be coming over on vacation." She asked.

"Uhmm.. I'm not sure Ma, mejo madami ng school works and it's my last year by next school year, so.." I slowly answered her. Wala naman na kasi akong balak na magbakasyon kanila Kuya, I'd rather stay here with Mama.

"Sweety, you haven't visited them for almost a year, you should go and visit them." She pleaded. That's true, ang dami ko ng ginawa na palusot last time para lang hindi ako makapunta sa ibang bansa to stay there for a vacation. I don't know why, but I just don't feel being there with them, parang feeling ko di na nila ako kailangan doon.

"I'll try Ma. Akyat lang po ako, see you at dinner." I smiled at her.

"I can't. I have to go somewhere, but I'll join you tomorrow. Okay?" She said.

As if I have a choice. "Sige Ma, take care. Love you."

"Love you too, bye." And there she left.

Pag ganitong wala si Mama, isang katulong at driver lang ang kasama ko dito.

My parents separated 7 years ago, I was just 12. I never understood nor asked the reason. All I knew was they were falling out of love that led to endless arguments and fights. I just suddenly notice na hindi na ganoon ka-sweet sina Mama at Papa when we're having breakfast, ang tahimik na ng dining area. Even I was young, I felt like I didn't have the right to make sudden noises or stories, kundi baka may sasabog na bomba kung saan. 

Papa became aloof, madalas na siyang suplado and keep making excuses na busy siya or pagod. Akala ko noon kasalanan ko, baka masyado na kong makulit at nagalit na si Papa. Then, time came na tuwing uuwi kami galing school we'll hear shouting, cursing and crying. If it wasn't for Kuya who tries to distract me every time baka nabaliw ako ng maaga. We weren't the same family anymore. Naramdaman ko iyon. None of them were happy by staying together and decided to went their separate ways.

I have an older brother, Alec Marco, he's 3 years older than I am. Dad agreed to leave Mom with all his assets and businesses here in Manila in exchange of bringing my brother with him. Sabi ni Mama, she was desperate to make sure I'll have a good life and sacrificing my brother wasn't easy but the choice she had to. But, no one asked if I was okay with it.

My brother became my fortress when Mom and Dad were busy with their issues. I never had anyone but Kuya. Wala man lang nakaisip na baka kailangan ko ang Kuya ko, that he was an essential part of me that helped me survive the wave that crashed our family apart. But, no one cared. Isang factor siguro yun why  I lose faith in men, my Dad and brother were never a good influence as men anyways. 

Since then, every summer vacation I travel to US to spend some time with them. Madalas si Kuya lang ang kasama ko since dad is too engaged in expanding his business worldwide. We never get the chance to talk about what happened with our family.

Neither of my parents took time to sit with me and talk about the family and what is ought to happen. Nobody gave and ask forgiveness, basta na lang broken na ang family and that is it.

Which led me to have fear of commitments and failed relationship. Nakakatakot na maiwanan sa ere after masaktan. Not knowing what and where we went wrong. Not minding to mend the broken pieces. Not having the opportunity to answer unasked questions. And endless worries.

My parents failed relationship came to me more than reality's slap in the face. It is reality's nightmare that never allowed me to wake up. Na baka dumating yung panahon at mangyari din sa akin, and I wouldn't know how to face it. Yung problema nga namin as a family eh hindi na ulit binuksan sa takot na magkasakitan ulit. We were afraid of confrontations. I was scared of it. Too scared. 

Soph once told me na baka kailangan ko maintindihan kung ano nangyari sa parents ko so I can be fond of engaging to a relationship. But, it's 7 years too late. Whatever happened before, I'd rather leave it as it is. 

I don't want anyone giving me words of reassurance that everything will work out. I want someone who'll give me the peace of mind that no matter what, we'll talk everything out. To think about the welfare of others too. Yes, I may have problems but I want to make  sure that no one will be affected. Ang hirap maapektuhan sa bagay na hindi mo naman talaga dapat problema, Why own a problem that isn't yours in the first place? Why suffer the consequences of it?

Not afraid of confrontations and communication. And Kit came into my mind.. While my heart hopes a little more that he can be that person. Na sana lahat ng kinatatakutan ko eh siya iyon. Na baka sakali maturuan niya ako. Maalalayan at matulungan na maging kagaya niya ko. Na hindi na ako matakot, hindi ako tutulad sa mga magulang ko na natakot harapin yung problema hanggang sa tuluyan ng nasira. I felt a littlehopeful in my heart that it will be just him and him  alone. And with these thoughts of him,

I know, I'm screwed.