Walking Down Memory Lane

I Don't Know And I Don't Care.

Lily sat at the kitchen table sipping tea Narcissa was forcing her to drink; it had been seven long days and nights since Severus had disappeared. "Forget him, he says! Like it's that easy. Let Dumbledore Obliviate you Lily. Fucker, has a solution for everything I guess." Lily said sarcastically more to herself than to anyone.

No one dared to speak; they all silently left the kitchen and left Lily to her thoughts. She thought of him and only him, everything that intertwined their lives, all the reasons she refused to forget him. 'His birthday is in two days. Surely he will come home before then.' she thought as a tear rolled down her cheek.

Dumbledore, Eileen, Remus and Sirius had looked everywhere they could think of to find him to no avail. He never entered the Ministry New Years day, he simply vanished. Dumbledore blamed himself due to the harsh words he said to Severus about being like his father. The tension in the house could be cut with a knife, everyone was walking on eggshells with Lily. The only person in the house who could make her smile or stop crying was baby Justin.

Lily heard the apparition crack that came in the predawn hours on January 9th but she never bothered to get up. Justin was sound asleep and she assumed it was someone returning from looking for Severus. It wasn't until her bedroom door spilled light from the hallway into her room and she heard that low velvet voice call her name, which could only belong to one man, did she jump out of bed. She ran to Severus and hugged him then frantically checked to see if he was injured, once she found he was in perfect condition the anger set in, "Where in the fuck have you been?" Lily growled.

"Love I'm sorry. I know I should have returned sooner but I had some things I needed to work through. There is no excuse that will ever make up for what I have done but I needed to do it." Severus said in a low apologetic tone.

"What could possibly take nine days for you to figure out?" Lily hissed.

"I needed to figure out why I always give up, why I think I don't deserve anything good, why I'm afraid of who I will become and mostly I needed to figure out how not to become my father." Severus mumbled with his head hung in shame.

Those words stung Lily harder than she thought possible, she didn't realize how much he was struggling with issues with himself and she had been so wrapped up in Draco and Justin that she had failed to notice. "Well, did you find what you were looking for?" Lily asked in a much softer tone.

"Mostly yes, I have been taught hate my whole life, whether it be toward myself and my mother or muggle-borns all I have ever known is hate. Then you, this ray of fucking hope wanders into my life and you're the only good thing about life. I wanted you, I had you, I lost you and then I get you back and still I think I am not worthy of the happiness you bring to me. Just like that baby, I feel like I don't deserve the smiles he gives me or why would he want me to hold him. I am a disgusting vile excuse of a human being. I don't deserve anything or anyone good. I tried to turn myself in and be put where I belong but my mother and Dumbledore stopped that from happening. Lily you both would be better off without me. There is nothing good in me without you. All of the good I have done has been for you. I returned tonight to tell you that I plan to leave for good and for you to move on with life. I have received every patronus sent, I only returned because I knew you were upset and worried."

Lily gave a bitter laugh, "Everything is for me? Everything? You've done nothing kind just to be kind? So I guess all of this is bullshit huh?" she said as she shoved a handful of random pictures of the last year into his hands, which had been laying on the bed. "You faked every laugh, every smile, every kind word to Remus or Sirius or Lucius. You brought that baby back here solely for me. Not to keep him alive? You chose to poison his parents instead of killing them for me? You moved Remus, Sirius, Narcissa, Draco and Lucius in this house for my benefit only? You're really going to stand there and tell me all those pictures of every moment over the last year has been bullshit! It's all fake right? Dammit Sev! There's more to you than me! Open your damn eyes!" Lily said in a range of emotions.