Love You Enough

Pain

Four days ago, the police took statements from each of them and took a couple of things that belonged to their infant son for the canine search team. No one there that day had seen anything unusual and it made their investigation near impossible. The police basically told them to keep the faith and hope someone would eventually bring him in or turn in whoever had done it. They found very little comfort in each other, spending their days locked away from the world. People would call but they wouldn't answer. It was too much. Stevie sat in Leo's room, going through his clothes. Some of them still smelled like him and those were her most treasured. Lindsey would play his guitar in his studio. It was still under construction but good enough for him. They were strangers except when they would make love. They needed that connection to feel human. Their hearts were with their child, in the world without his parents to soothe him. Stevie would run through all sorts of scenarios. Was he being fed, was he clean and happy? Were they mistreating him? The thoughts tortured her.

Weeks had gone by and still nothing. Police gave them no hope. The search was disbanded and that was a fate worse than death to Stevie. Her son was alive. She could feel it. He was with her and she was with him. She would find him.

Stevie made her way down to the studio and knocked on the door. She had been crying for days, had hardly eaten and she was genuinely such a sad, pitiful little creature. Lindsey opened the door and offered her a drink. She shook her head and sat in one of his big leather chairs.

"How are you holding up?" he asked.

"I'm okay, I guess. I just want him back" she said, her voice hoarse. It was so bad that it would have sounded better had she been performing back to back Rhiannons every hour on the hour instead of crying. There was barely a voice left and it would squeak if it came out at all most days.

"I know."

"I want to hold him, smell him, see him smile. Leo is my love, my heart. Without him....I'm nothing. I have no purpose"

"You still have purpose, Stevie. Don't be negative."

"How can I not be negative? My baby is gone, Lindsey"

"I'm sorry"

"Can I play?" She asks, changing the subject and pointing to the keyboard in the corner.

"Sure" he says with a shrug.

She passes by him and sits on the folding bench in front of the keyboard. She takes a deep breath and begins to play a very simple melody. Stevie could miraculously sing like a little bird, given the state of her speaking voice and that was even more painful to him. He hadn't heard her sing a word since Leo had disappeared.

I'm not a child anymore
I'm tall enough
To reach for the stars
I'm old enough
To love you from afar
Too trusting? Yes
But then women usually are

I'm not a child anymore
No, I'm not a child, oh no
I will do
As I'm told
Even if I never hold you again
I never hold you again

She stops to cry for a moment then begins again, her lyrics out of order, going purely based off of what she had in her heart, able to say what she truly felt through music.

Your hands held mine so few hours

She stops again, tears rolling down her cheeks. She wipes them away.

"I wish that you were mine" she weeps. "I wish that you were mine"

"Stevie, stop it" Lindsey says.

"You say it will be harder in the morning. I wait for you to say just go. Your hands held mine so few hours"

"Stevie, enough" he tells her again.

"I will do as I'm told. Even if I never hold you" She breathes. "Again. Oh I wish that I could hold you, again"

"You're torturing both of us. Stop playing that fucking song" he shouts and she slams her fingers down on the keys.

"Fuck you, Lindsey! Let me be sad. I'm grieving!" She attempts to yell, standing up from the bench so suddenly that it falls backward.

"So am I!"

"I carried him inside of me for nine months. I made his heart and his lungs. His cute little toes and his button nose." She gestures wildly and Lindsey watches her silently. "Those smoky blue-grey eyes, I made those. Yes, you passed them onto him but I made them. My body made him. Leo is part of me and I'm dying inside without him. I want my baby!" She wails, falling to her knees.

"Let me hold you" Lindsey begs, unable to handle her tears. "I love you" He tells her, cradling her on the floor before she even expresses acceptance of his offer. "I love you so much and I think I need to remind you more often now. Our son will be home. I promise you"

"You can't promise me something like that. You heard what the police officers said"

"I can and I will. I love you and our boy more than anything. Leo knows it in his little heart. He will be home again" he says. She grips him tighter, sobbing into his soft plush robe.

"I love him. I want to hold him. My breasts ache to feed him. What if my milk is gone when he comes back?" She asks, the fear suddenly appearing at the front of her mind. Her eyes look so sad and he tries his best not to look away. He knows she couldn't handle that right now. He has to be strong for her.

"We will get through it" he says and she nods, accepting his answer.

"I need more contact" she says. "Will you come upstairs with me?"

"We shouldn't be doing this. You're self medicating again. This time its with sex and I feel like I'm taking advantage of you"

"I'm asking you to please, please go upstairs with me. I need to feel close to you."

"Steph..."

"Lindsey, please" she sobs. "I need you. I can't bear to talk anymore. You understand me without words. Let me talk to you the only way I can right now"

He thinks a moment, looking into her eyes. There is so much pain there, desperation and loneliness. "Okay" he says finally.

"Thank you" she says and he knows she appreciates him giving in. She gets up from the floor, holding his hand and she lets him lead her to the bedroom. Lindsey knows it isn't right but what is he to do? If he turns her down, she will feel rejected and even more alone than she does already but if he says yes, she can forget her pain for a while. She will feel loved, safe and protected. When he says yes, she doesn't cry herself to sleep for once and to him, saying yes is worth it even if he can't look into her eyes as they connect.