I wake up in an instant with water everywhere.
I look around and Greg had a pot.
I told you it would work.
"Andy, I'm so sorry," Jeremy cried.
"Something happens at home doesn't it? Or happened when you were little?" Greg asks.
I can't feel anymore. I'm empty, numb, and tired.
"It's my fault, I shouldn't have done that." Jeremy continued.
"Yeah, especially with me in the other room." Greg joked.
"Seriously though, you're staying here. I may be some drug dealer to you, but I can't let you go back home." Greg tells me.
I start to stand up, he held me down, "Just wait a minute okay? Look, I've raised Jeremy after our parents split and left, and I can help you until you finish school, it's no problem." Greg says. I'm hearing what he says but it's still processing.
I look at Jeremy and he nods his head. "We know what it's like to go through the abuse and stuff. I'm sorry you're having to go through it your self Andy, especially the other kind too"
He hugs me and I panic. I look at Greg and he nods, as if telling me it's okay now.
I sit a moment more and they help me up. "I'll find some clothes for you to change into, whenever you're ready." Greg says and walks away.
I'm sitting with Jeremy and he just looks to the floor.
"It's alright you know, It's not your fault I'm like this." I tell him.
"I don't know how to piece together everything in my head. It's not because I don't know how, it's just that I don't want to see the ugly picture it makes." I tell him. He looks at me and nods as if he understands.
I need just that. Someone to understand.
Maybe I've been sitting with this for some time. It's hard to swallow. My father does things and I don't remember the details, but the sickness of some mornings, deep down, I knew. I showered away the filth, the guilt, the shame, and myself. Nothing is going to make me feel whole again and i'm really broken to the point where I don't even know if there are pieces of me left.
Day after day had past and my numbness got deeper. It came to a point where I didn't feel connected to the world.
Since having started this semester, my friendships have helped bring me back little by little, but also broke me down to face my truth.
Greg comes back with a set of clothes and I take it from him and head to the bathroom.
I lock the door, and feel that it was a stupid thing to do. I'm in a safe place, so I unlock it. I sit with it and I lock it again. I keep going back and forth with it until I'm crying against the door not knowing what is safe anymore.
They leave me be, and I appreciate the time to cry to by myself. I finally stand against the door and change quickly with the door locked. I come out and they are in the hall standing together. They both look at me like they feel sorry for me. I look down. We end up going to the living room and we spend the rest of the time talking about school, friends, parties that Greg had been to, and anything but what the situation was.
Jeremy cooked spaghetti, and we ate dinner. They told me I could sleep anywhere I felt good at and I chose to sleep in the bathroom, after they offered it and suggested they could just piss over the balcony into their neighbors patio that they didn't like.
It made me laugh and I felt a little lighter.
I set up a place in the bathtub with blankets and a pillow.
I slept all night, warmer than I ever thought I could in a tub.
In the morning we have breakfast. Jeremy and I get a ride from Greg to school. I hope today will be okay.
