I had a very uneventful weekend to say the least. I drank coffee, wrote poems, and made mixed cds for my mixed moods.
On Monday I got up, got ready, and left. I said goodbye to my mom, and made it to school in time.
I walked to my first class, hoping to see the weird kid again.
I walk in my english room and sit in my seat. I am in full view of the door so I can watch out for when he comes in.
I feel like such a creep again.
I see Ms. Robins finish what she was writing on the board, "Write about a time you were in an uncomfortable situation, and how you resolved it."
She saw me and her eyes widened a bit. She looked through a pile of papers on her desk and pulled out from the pile, one that was folded over twice.
That was mine. She was walking towards me and I felt dread.
She sat next to me and gave me a smile.
"About your paper..."
I looked down and didn't want to hear what she was going to say.
"Here." she handed it to me. "Work on your grammar, and you'll go far." She stood up and went back to the front of the class.
I opened the paper up and there were a few red markings and a note from Ms. Robins.
I started reading her note.
Andres,
When we feel powerless, as if we have no courage at all, we find ourselves in a place of unhappiness. This is not permanent. The people around you are ever changing, by choice and chance.
The situations we've been through are different. We cannot change what has passed, but our outlook on the other hand, can.
Everything happens for a reason.
I'm sorry for your loss and a I'm sorry you have so much sadness.
Courage is something you can work on. Challenge yourself to be brave everyday. Let go of your fear. You owe it to yourself to live a life free from your own prisons.
I finish reading and I am sobbing. I cover my face with my t-shirt and I cry into it.
I feel a hand on my back, patting me. I lean on my desk and I try to collect myself.
I breathe deep. I wipe my face and nose with my shirt and I look around.
Ms. Robins is standing in front me and I turn to see who was patting my back.
It's Jeremy, the boy who I offended.
His eyes are watery and he looked sad.
"I'm sorry, I get really emotional when people cry."
I notice class is mostly full and I am embarrassed.
The bell rang and I ask "May I step outside for a moment?" Ms. Robins nods her head and I stand up and exit.
Jeremy follows me and I stand outside of the room.
I take a deep breath and he speaks, "You okay?"
Looking at him, I am unsure on how to answer.
"Do you know what I wrote down?" I asked.
"No, I didn't read it." he told me.
"I wrote about how I am nothing. How I have no courage because I'm nothing.. I wrote how I am to blame for everything bad in my family, how my mom is broken, how my father scares me, how I knew about my sister and her selling herself. I am in denial about everything. I am a fucked up person and I am a scared little boy! I deserve no friends, I deserve no sympathy!" I spill out. My fists are clenched and I am speaking through my teeth. I start tearing up. I am angry at myself.
"I'm sorry..." he starts to say.
"Everyone is sorry! No one understands! I hate myself. I can't stand myself." I say and I start walking away.
"Wait!" he says behind me and I stop.
He catches up and says, "You'd be suprised how much I can relate."
My heart sinks. If he has any idea how I feel, I feel sorry for him.
I put my back to the hall and slide down to sit.
He sits next to me and we sit in understanding silence.
