Summertime Sadness (James McAvoy fanfiction)

Chapter 53: "Warzone"

''So, what do you want to talk about?'' I asked looking away with my hands inside my pockets as we walked slowly through the empty street.

''Us.'' James replied, looking at me. I chuckled.

''It's a little too late for that.'' I hissed.

''It was your brother and Joey.'' James said. ''They did it.''

''You know what? I can believe it, indeed I do.'' I said. ''But what I don't get is why you didn't look for me after that.''

''Because they were following you, and if they noticed I tried to call or visit you, they would kill you, right?'' James said stopping in front of me.

''Do you know what day was yesterday?'' I asked, looking into his eyes this time.

''Wedding anniversary.'' James sighed. ''How could I forget that.''

''You left me alone, James.'' I said. ''I had to carry on and not alone but with a child. Your child too.'' I paused. ''I've been crying for your loss every single night all alone to sleep since the day I didn't find you by my side, pretending I'm fine because Jamie doesn't need it and asking my students for help because I had no one. Do you know how much did it hurt his first birthday? The day he was born? The day he began to walk, talk, and ask me about you? Perhaps you are, but I'm not able to restart again my life.''

''I regret that every single day.'' He mused, running his hands through his face. This time, we were at the place that was our home those years.

''Then why the hell you let them keep us apart.'' I hissed.

''I wanted to protect you, I've already told you.'' James shouted.

''How could you forget about me? About us?'' I cried out. ''Stop fooling yourself, stop pretending and fooling because I don't believe you couldn't find me when you knew where I worked.'' I stopped. ''What do you want me to tell him? That you, by surprise, are his father? Do you want to take him away from me when you don't even know him?''

''I've never forgotten about you! Can you understand that?'' James yelled looking at me. ''I just want my wife and my son back home. I want you both here, with me, recovering our lost time, the one we lost because of your bloody brother and because you didn't want to take the right and necessary actions to save you and our marriage!''

''I wasn't the one who left! And I'm not your wife anymore!''

''This is not a game anymore!'' He said. ''Jamie...''

''Don't even dare to name him when you just met my son two hours ago.''

''Enough.'' James gasped anxious. ''What do you want me to tell you? That you are right when we both know it? That I love you like the first day? That I want you back?''

''Maybe.'' I mumbled. ''It's... Late, I should-''

''Really?!'' James exclaimed. But he was right, and nothing could take that away from him. He tried, and coming from my brother, I wasn't that surprised.

''Can't you see that I don't want to show you how I feel?'' I said. ''I don't want you to break the walls I built once again. I wouldn't forgive myself if you did that. You are murdering my heart bit by bit, slowly.''

''We're not finished yet.'' James gasped. I sat down the sofa. ''And I won't go home without you this time.''

''I do know, James.'' I replied back. He sat crouched in front of me. ''I don't believe in you anymore.''

''You know I wouldn't lie to you.'' He whispered with his hands on my knees. ''I've been looking for you till today, that I've finally found you. I can understand your anger, I would be. But you know what happened, and what I felt.''

''You don't feel the same?'' I asked looking into his eyes.

''I do love you. But I do know that you could have found someone else since the last time we were together.'' He whispered. I felt a shiver. ''I know you are the best mother Jamie could have.''

''He asks about you so much.'' I sobbed. ''And I do not hide the truth away from him because he deserves to know who you are. But he wants to meet and have you like most of the kids.''

''The first question is,'' James paused. ''do you still love me?''

''You must be kidding.'' I said running my hands through my face. ''Of course, James, of course I still do, but that's not the...''

''Then, if it is not the issue or whatever you think, why are you still here? At home?''

''Because when I first saw you on the other side of the door, I felt like the first time we met. I missed that.'' I said. ''I missed you, the old times when you told me you didn't agree calling your son same as you, your voice, the way you used to love me, to call me. Everything, James.''

''I've missed you aswell... Give me a chance, please.'' He said grabbing my hands. ''Another one to make things right, to complete our family.''

''James...''

''I know you cannot believe me, and I do not pretend you to do it.'' He paused. ''But you still wear these ones.'' He finished touching the surface of the rings we shared once. ''I will fight back if it's necessary.''

''Your words speak so much, but your actions don't do the same.'' I said. ''I've got my pride, and you are breaking again the walls I had to build. And now I need time, I owe that to myself.''

''I've proof of what happened. The messages, the phone calls, everything.''

''May I?''

''Indeed.'' James sighed, stuffing his right pocket to take out his phone. ''This is the one I recieved when you were...''

''I...'' I mumbled as I swallowed. My jaw drop off when I saw and checked out James, my still husband, was right and he didn't lie to me. I felt like a fool as the chaos filled my mind quickly.

''That's all I have.'' He said when the last picture showed up.

''So you are right.'' I said. ''I must apologize, I'm so sorry.''

''Don't be, at least you wanted to check it up.''

''They destroyed our family.'' I whispered to myself, no more crying this time.

''That's something we must live with.'' James said with a weak grin.

''Have you been with someone else?'' I asked after a few minutes of silence.

''I tried to, I'm not going to lie. But it lasted a few days because she couldn't fill the hollow and the hole I felt. No one couldn't make me feel the way you do.'' He replied rubbing his hands. ''I've been waiting for you since that. But I'm afraid you've.''

''No, I... I haven't.'' I replied, feeling disappointed with his answer. ''I wish this would never happened.''

''Think that you wouldn't have Jamie if things were a different way.''

''We.'' I corrected him.

''What?'' He asked.

''We wouldn't have Jamie.'' I said again. ''I'm sure he will be excited to meet you. And you should be glad, he has a mix of Scott and German accent, don't ask me why the Scott but he has it.''

''You must be kidding.'' James laughed out loud, joining me. ''You look the same, but you've changed.''

''I've been working out.'' I joked. ''I've learned how to love myself, and take care.''

''That's awesome, I mean it. But wait, you've got something in...''

''If you just want to kiss me, that's a really old trick.'' I cocked an eyebrow. ''You tried it a few times and it worked the first one, not the second.''

''I had to.'' He shrugged with a shy smile all over his face. Then, it happened. All sparkles, fireworks, or whatever you want to call it. James succeed at his second attempt to kiss me and I did not put any effort to stop it, to feel those lips for once collide against mine slowly.