Her Lost Identity

Her Lost Identity [20] ~ What ifs

Chapter 20

“Thanks for the breakfast, Loral,” I told her, smiling at her as she sat at the table looking a bit upset.

“Don’t worry, Lilian.” She took a sip of her water and looked over to me. “You’re welcome any time.”

I walked closer to her and planted a kiss on her cheek. “Thanks, Lor.”

I looked over to Nathan who was smiling but looked tired all at the same time. Once he saw I was ready to leave, he stood up and led me out the door and to his car. Nate was dropping me home. I was quite surprised his dad hadn’t taken the car away but I’m sure he’d come back for it sometime.

Nate started the car and began to drive down the quiet road. I was staring out the window but I could feel eyes on me. “Thanks for being there for my mum,” Nate thanked me. “I couldn’t do it myself... I was just too angry.”

“Don’t mention it,” I let out, still looking out the window, studying everything we passed, the streets that were so familiar. “Besides, I love your mum.”

“She loves you too,” he said, chuckling lightly but caringly.

“She was the closest thing I had to a mum back then...” I said, my voice trailing off. “I respect her for that.”

* * *

“Mum!” I called out as I stepped inside the house. “Mum, I’m home!” I walked in to the kitchen where my mum was stood, cooking pancakes.

“Great, honey,” she told me, smiling up at me.  “Jess is upstairs, by the way.”

After giving my mum a hug, I trailed up the stairs and to my bedroom. What was Jess doing here? I mean, she’s welcome to come but I just thought that she would text or call beforehand. I opened the door to my bedroom which contained a very happy Jess sat on my bed.

“Details,” she called out once she saw me. She smirked at me as I plopped down on to the bed beside her.

“Huh?” I asked her, feeling slightly baffled. “What do you mean?”

“Don’t play Miss Clueless with me. Your mum said you stayed at Nathan’s last night,” she informed me, a smirk still playing on her lips. “What happened?”

“Well...” I started off, trying to think up a lie. “We only watched a movie.”

“You little liar!” she accused as she slapped my arm playfully. “You totally did it!” Her loudness worried me.

“Shush!” I demanded her with a serious face. “My mum’s only downstairs.”

“So you did?” she asked, wide-eyed. “I was just playing around... I didn’t think you had it in you. But you did, oh my god!”

“Yup,” I said, popping the P. Truth is; I was shocked myself. I mean, I knew that it would happen with someone I love... I just didn’t know it would be so soon.

“I guess I’m rubbing off on you already,” she giggled, twirling her hair. I rolled my eyes at her but I couldn’t stay serious for long, I ended up in hysterics. “So, how was it?”

“Um, not bad...” I told her, my voice trailing off. For some reason, I wasn’t really comfortable talking about it so soon. I don’t know why but I guess I just want it to be someone that I could keep to myself, have all to myself and be selfish about it.

“Okay, how about protection?” she asked, cocking up her eyebrow. My heart began to pound. How could I forget? “Don’t look so glum! I never use the stuff. Hold on,” she told me as she dug her hand in to her bag. She pulled out a box of pills and handed me two. I gave her a confused look. Why two? As if she could read my mind, she said, “Well, you never know when you’re going to need the other.”

“Right, thanks,” I said, relieved that she had given me it in the first place. I put the extra pill in my purse and told her, “I’m gonna quickly run down for some water.”

I trailed down the stairs, running my fingers along the wall with my free hand. I stepped in to the kitchen as my nostrils filled with the sweet smell of pancakes. It smelt good, I have to admit. With my free hand, I grabbed a glass and put it on the side and took a jug of water and placed it beside the glass. It wasn’t too long before I realised that pouring water was a two-handed job. I placed the pill on the kitchen side before I picked up the jug and began pouring water to the glass.

“What’s that?” mum asked, referring to the pill. What would I do now? I thought. I couldn’t just lie to her.

“Um...” I murmured, not looking her in the eye. How would I manage to say it to her?

“Oh,” she sighs as she gets back over to her pancake making. “I get it.”

“Mum, I’m sorry,” I mumbled before I swallowed the pill, backing down the glass of water.

“Do you love him?” she questions me, not making eye contact but making pancakes. I told her yes. “Has he said he loves you?”

“Yeah...” I told her, not really knowing where this was going.

“Nathan’s a good kid,” my mum reasoned with me. “If he says he loves you, I believe he does. If it was anyone else, I’d be mad.”

“So you’re not angry?” I asked her, eying her as she moved.

“Of course not, Lilian,” she said, her voice soft. “But please don’t go around thinking its okay to sleep with any boy. You’re still young.”

“I know, mum,” I told her as I hugged her from behind.

With that, I ran up the stairs and joined Jess who was texting Jake.

“Why aren’t you with him, anyway?” I asked her. It’s like, ever since they met, they’ve been inseparable.

“What kind of friend would I be if I ditched you the entire summer?” she asked, smiling up at me. I hugged her tightly. It was times like this I remembered why Jess and I were best friends. I told Jess that I was going to have a long relaxing bath and that she could watch television downstairs if she’d like and have pancakes. I wasn’t too hungry myself seeing as Loral made me a bacon breakfast before I left.

Sitting in the bath, I couldn’t be relaxed. I was deep in thoughts about everything that’s going to happen. There’s always going to be what ifs. Firstly, there’s mum. She’ll pass away sooner or later and I’ve learned to accept it but that’s not the scary part, it’s the part after she dies. Will I be able to carry on like normal? Will I be permanently distracted from everything else?

Secondly, there’s leaving Nate. There’s no way that I could stay in Ohio if I wanted to, where would I stay? I love him now, he loves me now... but what if he or I meet someone else? What then? Will we go our separate ways? What if we slowly drift apart and our relationship becomes non-existent? What if we weren’t in love by then? What if we weren’t even friends anymore?

And then there’s Kevin. I know he’s not part of what I have here in Ohio, but after everything, I know things probably won’t be the same. Rachel’s pregnancy will become more visible and people will ask who the father is. I mean, sure, they’re both in love and love conquers all, but what if it doesn’t? In Romeo and Juliet, they both ended up dead in the end. What good did that do them?

Last of all, and then there’s me. By that, I mean; when I go back, will I go back to being Cassie? The girl who never opened up about her past? The girl who lied about her whole life?  Or will I come clean and tell everybody my name is Lilian, that I’m a poor girl from Ohio. Nobody would do so much as speak to me. I’ve practically lied to them all. There really aren’t many similarities between Lilian and Cassie.

It makes me think: if all of this is the bad, then what is the good? Well, I’ve fallen in love with Nathan if that counts. And then there’s Jess; she’s experienced her first real relationship. But what else?

That simple question will probably haunt my mind forever.  What else did I get from this journey? What else have I achieved? What else have I learned? What else?