𝕗𝕦𝕔𝕜 𝕓𝕦𝕕𝕕𝕚𝕖𝕤

39

confused.

it was the ongoing question. to forgive him or not to forgive him? I mean the saying is: once a cheater, always a cheater. but was that really true? did that mean he might do it again?

the strange thing was I didn't feel upset. I didn't feel angry at him, I just felt sad because of his reaction. he was crying. I've never seen a thought guy like Nate cry. fuck, I didn't even know they could cry because it's 'so feminine'.

I didn't know what to do at all, so I ended up hugging him and soothing him until he regained himself. after that he looked down at my expressionless face, giving me a small frown. then he kissed my forehead and then left. just walked out the door.

kinda glad he did because if we were to have talked about it, I would've said the wrong things.

he had my feelings in such a complex way, I couldn't help but feel them so strongly towards him. for fucks sake, I trusted him to dye my hair, the boy who's had no hair experience.

in my opinion, that's some real type shit. not fully but not just anyone can touch my hair. it was all so confusing. I didn't want to lose him, I didn't want to hate him. I just don't want this to happen again.

"fuck!" I screamed loudly, getting up from my bed. all the confusion is making me anxious, what if i make the wrong choice? what if I say the wrong thing and he leaves, just like that? then I thought of him leaving.

what would I do? he lives ten minutes away and he knows everywhere I like to go and eventually I will see him on the streets. I'll see him on Instagram, I'll listen to his music.

fuck, we even have the same little group of friends. what do I do?

I'm running on an hour and a half of sleep and I didn't return after he woke me up. my thoughts consumed me on the bed until the sun rose. i needed a distraction.

time? it was almost seven and the sky just turned blue. nature was so beautiful. my phone was on the charger upstairs, and I was walking down to my kitchen. somehow I left my box downstairs.

i desperately needed some mind relief. I felt stressed, bunched. I didn't know what was right and what was wrong. my knowledge isn't this extensive! I've never done this before. it was so hard to me.

I bit my lip as I grabbed a joint, lighting it up quickly. I took three hits within thirty seconds. it kicked in quick after a coughing fit but I relaxed after.

my tensed shoulders relaxed with my next hit. I slowly relaxed and had a full actual thought without second guessing it.

"alessandra, breaking news: your boyfriend cheated on you... or did he?" he mentioned that he came back during a kiss and maybe it was when she got him into the bed? maybe the first time she kissed him and he stopped her after that. I didn't know the full story and that made my reaction ten times more hard.

"what do I do?" I groaned to myself. I don't know.

fuck.

who ya gunna call when things get tough?