Hey guys, I'm back :3 Sorry if I don't seem to energetic or super happy. I'm just not feeling great right now. I'm currently am typing this way slower than I usually do. That and I keep misspelling words so I have to go back and correct it all. Okay, moving on :3
So I'm at home sick. I think my friend got me sick. I'm not mad or anything though, bc there really isn't a reason to bemad . So this will prolly slow me down for a few days, But I'm trying to not go months without writing bc that's annoying, I know. My throat hurts like a bitch and I sound so weird, but that's what happens when you get sick. So yeah, please expect me to be writing slower for a few days.
So Last time I mentioned a kid told me to kill myself yesterday. It happened in Japanese and the cuntfuck was bothering me. Now we both were mean to each other, calling each other names and shit like that, but he crossed a line. He just blurted out randomly when I was talking to someone to kill myself. Like ouch, that stung, but that isn't really what set me off. I was going to cry and I wanted to move away from him bc I was avoiding crying. I asked my teacher if I could please move, and she said no, she can't move everyone and to work this out on my own time. MY OWN FUCKING TIME. That's when I stormed out crying. I told her what he said and everything. But apparently being bullied isn't a big deal. I was nice to my teacher, I never did anything to make her not like me, but after this I don't care. I'll be rude and sassy and talk back because what she said made me dislike her. a lot. Also when my friend came out to comfort me, she told her to go back inside and that I'll be okay. HA LIKE SHE WOULD KNOW. My teacher obviously hasn't noticed I've been struggling with depression. She hasn't seen my scars. She thinks I'm over my dad dying, but really I beat myself up every day for not spending more time with him, and I blame myself for his death.
I'm pathetic. My friends tell me I'm not, they say I'm stronger than anyone else. That I faced all of my problems head on, looking at them dead in the eye. But really, I had no choice. I was the peacekeeper of my family, making sure everything was okay. I am selfless I guess. Everyone's feelings before my own. I listen and true to help. I'm proud of that, yes. But there is always a con to good things. My empathy is usually taken advantage of, and when people are done using me, they throw me away. I am a very negative person, but I am very nice and caring if you get to know me. At school I act loud and crazy, driving people away, most hating me. That's kinda how I find the people who would take advantage of me. The ones who stuck with me, who were able to tear down my walls, they were honest. But being a person who listens has taught me to push away the majority of my feelings. Even now, I seem to spill all of my emotions out, but I bottle up a lot of emotions. When the bottle gets filled, I usually empty my feelings out in two ways: I take it out on my friends, usually with anger, or I have a mental breakdown. Both are horrible. but yes, what I'm saying is I'm pathetic.
Wow that got emotion, I did not mean for that to happen haha. But yea, rn I'm really tired and sleep sounds good lol. So Until next time
~
Leo (^・ω・^ )
