dinner || tronnor

10

connors pov

Troye and I haven't talked since I went to his house that day. I saw him yesterday at school for the first time but otherwise he hasn't been attending. I wondered rapidly, constantly what was going on and almost went to his house. He can't keep avoiding me forever. I figure he might be embarrassed about what happened on Saturday or upset that I saw him in that state. I honestly don't even care anymore and, selfishly, I want to see him again just to get him out of my dreams, day and night.

I saw Troye in class one day but he seemed to be gone the second the bell rings and disappeared in the hallway. He's so god damned frustrating and I wish he knew all the things I thought about him. All the good things. He has sort of changed my life in the recent months and I wasn't expecting it at all.

Today is Thursday and I hope Troye is at school. I know it's crazy but I've began to feel as though I forgot what he really looks like. I feel like I've only seen the real him whenever he gave a sincere laugh. That was hard to accomplish.

I look sort of bad today but I don't mind because no one really notices me anyway. I wear grey sweats that hug my ankles at the bottom and a white t shirt. At one point on my way to school I stop to tie my shoe and then have trouble getting back up and trip, tearing a hole in my sweats and scraping my knee a little. Cool.

By the time I reach the building I have barely been able to dodge cars running over me and birds trying to shit on my head. I'm lucky I've made it alive, honestly.

As soon as I get to Mr. Lanes room I take note that Troye isn't there. I shouldn't have been expecting him. I sit down and look at the speckled pattern on the floor for a while before Mr. Lane clears his throat. I look up forgetting that this was indeed his classroom.

"Oh sorry." I felt weird for not even acknowledging him when I came in.

"That's quite alright, Connor. Hey have you seen Troye, you know, on the weekends or whatever?" He asks me this with somewhat of a sad smile. Why can't I seem to avoid this topic anywhere I go?

"Um...no sir I haven't. Why? Have you heard anything?"

"Oh, no. Nothing." He's lying I can feel it.

I felt like if I didn't talk to Troye soon I would explode. I wanted him to know that what happened on Saturday didn't make me feel any differently about him. If anything, it made me feel closer. I also wanted him to know that he can talk to me about anything. I often wish I was a more inviting person that people just want to talk to but I feel like no one is ever really at ease around me. I make people uncomfortable because I give off that awkward vibe. The last thing I want is to make Troye feel awkward.

I really just don't want this to end. He was my first kiss, even if it was weird and stupid and I longed for another one. My need to reach out to him was blinding me and all I did was wait for him to come through that door. Mr. Lane stared at me, probably feeling uncomfortable. I needed him to come through the door. When the final homeroom bell rang and first period started, I realized that there were people around me filling up the class room. Troye was not one of them. Why did I feel so dependent on someone who probably doesn't give a shit about me? Why would he anyway? He probably just made a mistake and is regretting it now, trying to get out of an awkward situation. I don't even care at this point I just want to know he's okay.

As soon as that thought rushes through my mind he comes through the door and takes the only seat available; next to me. His eyes are literally purple underneath and his clothing is wrinkled and loose. He looks like a mess and it breaks every pumping vessel in my heart. 

I quickly take out my phone under my desk, ignoring whatever Mr. Lane is saying. All I can notice is Troyes obvious avoiding of eye contact. I text him kinda freaking out:

What's going on with you?

His phone vibrates in his pocket and he looks down but doesn't take it out, knowing it's me. He waits a while and then lets out somewhat of a defeated sigh, taking out his phone. 

please meet me in the park after school today. i'll try to explain. 

Thank the gay gods, I think to myself. I stare at him for the rest of class, not caring what it looks like or what he may think of me. I longed to see his features and now that I was looking at them, I would not take it for granted. He just seemed so perfect to me. His long face and tight jaw line kind of made me feel the need to faint. He was surreal but he was so thin it made my stomach ache for a burger. I wanted to feed him every brownie in the entire universe just to add some color to his cheeks. Overall, he was like an angel appearing out of nowhere and giving my life a little spice. I wanted more, though. Now that I've gotten a taste of him, how could I give up?

Of course, Troye kept his eyes down the whole class period and got up seemingly milliseconds before the bell even rang so he could get out before me and evaporate into the crowd. God, he made my mind feel as though it was swimming. 

I barely lasted until the last bell because I couldn't contain my excitement/nervousness/fantasizing. It's a wonder I even made it to the park alive because I fell twice on my way there. My pants cannot catch a break today. 

I can't understand how Troye manages to get here before me every time but there he is. He sits on the swing set and rocks lightly, his toes still touching the ground. I feel my legs getting weaker by the minute and I swear if I fall down now, I don't think I could get myself back up.

I walk slowly up to the second swing and sit down somehow managing not to kill myself. Troye doesn't look up and I'm starting to feel obligated to start the conversation but this is so very awkward that I can't even think of how to start what I want to say.

"Troye," I try to start but I haven't spoken in so long that it comes out like a whisper.

"I'm sorry" He still hasn't looked at me. 

"What happened?" I ask. I still just want to understand what's going through his mind. 

"I just thought that you wouldn't like me anymore. I didn't want you to become involved because everyone I meet wants to save me. I don't want that and I don't need that. I felt embarrassed that you felt sorry for me and looked at me as though I was sick."

I really don't know what to say. We sit there for a while and I'm really trying to think of something.

"How you look, how you eat, how you think of your self? Yeah, I want to fix it. I want to make you see you as I do. I know that I can't so I won't try, but how could I not be concerned? These things that accompany you don't cross my mind when I first see you. When I see you I see someone who isn't afraid to do the shit that no one else will do. And yeah, you're really skinny and yeah you should eat more but that's not who you are so I am not judging you on it. Who you are is someone who I want to know better, someone who I want to see laughing until you cry because it's true you are so beautiful when you laugh. So please, try not to assume my opinion until you know it because this is what I've been dying to tell you for almost a week."

I am out of breath and I have no idea what I just said but Troye has a few small tears running down his cheeks. He smiles faintly and finally looks up at me after wiping his face with his hands. 

"Can you not be so fuckin' perfect, Jesus," he chuckles. I laugh a little and blush a lot. Then, just as things got a little awkward again, he stood up and hugged me, pulling me up off of my swing. I wrapped my arms lightly around his waist.

And we stood there for a while.

A.N.

Sorry if that was bad and sorry that took forever I have severe writers block lol. If you liked it, make sure to let me know in the comments bc it makes my day to hear from you. 

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