dinner || tronnor

1

"Troye! Dinner's ready!"

Dinner.

I walk to the edge of the stairs and take a short breath but that doesn't stop the scent of food from reaching my nostrils and coursing through my brain.

Don't even think about it.

I walk down stairs and past Sage, on her phone as usual. The kitchen feels smaller when I walk in. Like all the food that's around me could consume me instead of vice versa. My stomach grumbled immediately at the thought of eating.

"Someone sounds hungry!" My mother smiles at me as she says this but I have to return a fake one. "Sage! Please come in and get a plate! I don't want our mac and cheese to get cold!"

I'd been avoiding looking at the food itself but mac and cheese was my weakness. I let my mom plop the food onto my plate and head for the stairs.

"Troye, won't you eat with us? Are you too cool for your old mum?"

I freeze. "No just a lot of homework." I run upstairs and close the door as soon as I'm in. I then carefully put my plate on the desk and go back to my laptop on the bed.

I knew that I shouldn't lie to my family about this but it wasn't something that I could talk about. At all.

As soon as I heard the tv come on from the living room I made my trip to the bathroom with my full, untouched plate of food.

What a waste of money, I thought as I poured it into the toilet. One day I'd make it up to her. I flushed it and went back to my room and to my tumblr. What a world within a world. I could stay on tumblr for hours and I have before. One night I stayed up until probably 3am. I probably looked like a sewer rat the next day. Not anything different.

I think about the food I just through away and how if I had eaten it I would've had to throw it up later. I hated purging but sometimes I had to do it because of family dinners and gatherings. I cannot fathom the thought of the fatty food slipping through my body and settling in my stomach or my thighs and staying there for the rest of my life. I had vowed to never let myself gain more than 150 pounds and right now I am well under. But sometimes I slip up and eat something at school so that people don't think I'm a freak and then I don't puke because I can't let anyone hear, especially a teacher.

This all started a year ago when I was 16. I was a fat child and I was so afraid of looking the way I did and feeling the way I did so I just stopped eating. I knew about anorexia or bulimia but I didn't think about it to much. In my mind it made perfect sense: if you eat you gain weight so if I don't eat I won't gain weight. That simple.

I couldn't shake the thought that if I ate I would end up right back where I started, a pudgy marshmallow. I knew it wasn't healthy but if I could bear with getting a little dizzy and having bags under my eyes over getting fat, I would definently take that opportunity.

My mother calls me down to help her with the dishes because it was Sage's turn last night. I walk down to the kitchen and start to help before mum stops completely and looks at me.

"Are you sleeping okay, baby? You look so tired."

"Yes, mum, I'm fine. I just have a lot on my plate with school right now. I have a big assignment for my senior project and I have no idea what to do."

"Do what you do best, kiddo!"

"And what's that?"

"Write!"

My mother had no idea.

I had started my writing career in the fourth grade. I had written a book called More for the Cats than for Us and it was a book about poverty and loneliness. I don't really know where it came from but I knew it had something to do with learning about the Great Depression in America.

I had moved to America when I was around 13. My dad got a tremendous job offer that "simply couldn't be denied" so we packed up and left for LA, which was a place I'd never thought of myself living in. I do have to admit that the boys are pretty hot though.

Now that I think about what my mother said tonight, I realize that I haven't written anything for myself in a little less than a year. I had no idea if I could even come up with something original enough. I'd just have to worry about that later because for now all I cared about was waiting for my family to fall asleep so I can go downstairs and get myself a glass of wine.

Until they do go to bed, I stay on tumblr and play music through my speakers. I also do some online shopping because I'm addicted.

As soon as it was soundless, I go downstairs and grab my favorite wine glass and go at it. I never drink enough to get wasted but I always enjoy a little buzz. As soon as I'm satisfied I turn off all of my lights and get under the covers with my phone. I stalk my own Instagram for awhile and somehow end up on buzz feed.

By the time I'm even tired its 12:30 and my stomach growls hard. Shortly after, I fall asleep trying to forget the shooting pain throughout my stomach.

~

A/N thanks for reading! I will update as much as I can <3