dinner || tronnor

4

connor's pov

I was at a complete loss for words. I stood in the bathroom crying. To be perfectly honest, I didn't know why I was. A girl in my photography class saw the nail marks on my wrist and asked me if I was hurting myself, to which I replied with, "No," and left the class for lunch without another word. It had made me think about when we lived with my dad. Everyone would always ask if I was okay, but I never realized that I wasn't. I was told that I looked skinny, tired, and depressed and I knew that I was all three. Now, I'm realizing that other people can sense it, too and I don't want to be that kid at this new school. The one that has a "troubled past" or a crazy low self-esteem but I don't know how to change those things. I don't know how to make people think I was normal. But I wanted to, for sure.

Now, as I dry my tears with soggy toilet paper, I hear someone in the stall near me. I wasn't sure what was going on but I heard them gagging and then throwing up. I exit the stall and wash my hands. Then, I stood opposite of the stall and contemplated. Should I try to help? What if they don't want help? Con, this is not the way to make friends.

I stood there for a while listening to the sounds. I wasn't proud of doing nothing but I knew that doing something could have consequences, too. But I guess that is applicable to everything in life. It was evident to me now that I should do something but as soon as I took a step forward to knock on the stall door I saw those platform converse. Is it him?

The door pushed open slowly and when I finally saw his face, I couldn't even think of words to describe it. He looked so pale, even more than before. His eyes looked drained and sad and all I could think about was how skinny this boy was. As he stepped closer to me I could see the bones protruding from his collar. He was sick looking and I had begun to think that I knew what he was doing in there. I just wanted to tell him how beautiful he was, and that he didn't need to do this to himself. No words came to my mouth, we stood there staring at each other for a long time. Is this what it's always going to be like?

Then, he moved towards the door. I was almost relieved that he was going to be the one to leave first, but then he turned around and looked me in the eyes.

"If you tell anyone about this..." And then he left. I had a strange feeling in my stomach for the rest of the day. Why does he do that to himself? He's so beautiful. I wanted to tell him that and I wanted to touch his face and run my fingers across his collar bones and wrap my fingers around his wrists and draw circles on his temples with them, too. I wanted him to feel special and beautiful, but I couldn't. I would be betraying my secret keeping and I knew that in the long run, if I had told him it would just hurt me. He would tell someone and they would tell someone and I would just be a freak to everyone.

When all my classes were over, I walked home. I stopped for coffee, but I made it home within fifteen minutes. Mom wasn't home. I don't know why I expected her to be, but I did and now I feel let down. I tried to make myself feel comfortable in this house. I lit candles around the living room and brought my laptop out to the couch and snuggled up with a blanket and my coffee but I still felt like I was staying in some sort of hotel and that I would be leaving eventually and I knew that it was true. I would leave for college after this year and my mom would live here all by herself. Would she be home enough to even call is a home?

I think about the boy and the bathroom and how we stared at each other more than once today. I wondered if he was as fascinated by me as I was by him and though I doubted that fact, there was a part of me that wanted the attention. He saw me crying and I saw him throwing up. Why did we have to meet that way? He probably thought I was a loser. Who cries in the bathroom at school? I guess me. I wanted to know why he did it. I wanted to ask him so many questions. But what I really wanted was to know his name. I needed to know. And I thought that maybe tomorrow I would ask him, but probably not.

In the morning I wake up on the couch, grasping the throw blanket hard in my hand. I wipe some drool off of my chin and get up slowly. I walk to my moms room and see her asleep in her bed. Finally, I thought.

I get ready for school, dressing in an old black Adidas sweatshirt, light jeans and my converse. Hopefully this day would go more normally than yesterday. I was nervous about the boy from Lit/the bathroom and if I would see him today. I tried to forget about him as much as I could last night but I even dreamed about him. I dreamed about running my fingers through his hair and tangling our bodies together forever. I saw his painted finger nails in my mind, pulling at my brain tissue.

I start on my walk to school, wishing for coffee but also wishing for money to buy it with. I grasped my hands tight together, trying to distract myself from his eyes shining in my head. I wonder if he'll be at school today, but why wouldn't he be?

I hoped that I would beat him to class so that he wouldn't see me blushing when I walked in, but that wasn't the case. I walked to Mr. Lane's class room and saw him sitting at his seat, reading a book. I had entered right after the bell rung so other kids had started to come in. I sat down next to him and sat there for a while, picking at my finger nails. I hoped that he would talk to me, but I also hoped that he wouldn't. I wasn't ready for this pressure and I certainly can't let anyone find out that I'm crushing on a boy. But who would find out anyway?

I stay quite with my thoughts until Mr. Lane stands up and starts talking about Great Expectations. I had read the book before so I could relate but I found it very hard to pay attention. He sat right there. So close that I could touch his face.

The class felt like forever. Ten minutes before we left, the boy handed me a note, folded . I probably sat there for around five minutes just staring at it, unopened. I looked up at him and he was looking at me with a look that said, Well? Aren't you going to open it? So I did.

Meet me in the park across the street next period.
-Troye.

Troye.

~

AN

Thanks for reading <3 like and comment!

I listened to Con's Common Culture vol. 3 during this chapter's writing process. Give it a listen!

Chapter dedicated to: Maddie ;)