𝓡𝓸𝔂𝓪𝓵𝓵𝔂 𝓢𝓱𝓮𝓵𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓮𝓭 (𝓡𝓸𝔂𝓪𝓵𝓵𝔂 𝓢𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓼 𝓑𝓸𝓸𝓴 𝓞𝓷𝓮)

𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓔𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽𝓮𝓮𝓷

This weekend I've done literally nothing. I've just been alternating between sleeping, and crying softly against the wall. 

I can't believe I actually allowed myself to have one of my... attacks in the middle of class right there in front everyone. Especially in front of Arthur, he could've tried to kill me again.

I rub my hands over my face as I sit up cross-legged in my bed. It has to be at least three in the morning. Everyone else around here is fast asleep, some snoring. I'm pretty sure it's Necolineis and Sophie who's snoring, but I have no idea.

Whether I had a nightmare these past few days or not, I'm not aware. I'm not ready for tomorrow, especially with that quiz on the silverware. 

Or dance class again.

Public speaking I already know is just gonna be spent learning speaking techniques, which we've been doing previously, it's so boring I forget it even happens.

But the silverware thing.

The silverware thing is the one thing I can't seem to master, no matter how much preparation I have. It's just so unimportant that I guess I don't remember.

My brain might be the part of me I hate the most. Besides most of my physical features that aren't anything more special than ordinary, the rest of everything else is fine.

My brain is why I just can't be normal. Why can't I just speak with others without feeling my throat closing, or having my hands shake, or feeling flustered each time? Why can't I just be like everyone else?

In all other ways, I'm similar to everyone else, except with this issue. And this type of issue is far too high maintenance for anyone to deal with long term. Even if I do end up making friends here, no one would want to stick around. 

Once I tell someone the horrors that are inside of me, where I've come from, or the stories from my childhood, they wouldn't want to be around me. I will become too much of a burden, like a pet you'd need to make sure to be all too careful around.

Once they see all of me, they will be afraid.

That's what Mother always told me anyway.

"Do you know how exhausting it is to deal with you on a daily basis? Why can't you just be normal? You're never going to get married. You're never going to amount to anything in this life. I am ashamed to call you my daughter."

I'm better off just becoming a servant in the castle.

I rub the tears from my face. The entire neckline of my pink nightgown is damp from sweat or tears. I have no idea. I don't know why I ever came here. I could've just gone with Charles when he moved. I could've gotten myself out of this if I just had the courage.

Courage.

Courage is apparently only reserved for Charlotte. She wouldn't have let Mother force her to come here, and play perfect princess with these people. She would protest and scream back at her. But me? I'm just a coward.

If only Charlotte was here right now. 

I should write to her. I need my sister right now. 

I carefully get down from my bed, and quietly grab my notebook and a pencil from the dresser. I carefully make my way back up the bed, careful not to poke the bear as Necolineis would say.

I settle myself back in, and slide the covers over my legs. I open my notebook to a blank page. I grab my pencil, and brush it across my fingertips for a second before starting to write.

Dear Charlotte,

I hope you are doing well. This past week has been quite boring without you. I don't think we've ever spent this much time apart. How is everything there? How are you?  I miss you beyond belief.

This first week has been... interesting to say the least. If I told you all of the events that have happened so far, and how I reacted to them, you would probably slap me.

I think I need one of your slaps right now because I'm so stuck in my own mind that I can barely even think about anything logical. I don't know why Mother thought it would be a good idea for me to be here, it's been proven to be a bad one.

The courses here, while simple so far, will probably come and be a pain in the future. I mean, they have a course just for speaking in public. I'm clearly going to fail that.

I just hope you're doing okay. I wish I could be there with you right now. I'd say I wish you were here but... you wouldn't like it here. You've always complained about our room growing up, you would hate it here as I share a room with seven other people.

I can't wait to see you when I get home. Please write back to me as soon as you can. Give Lucky a hug for me. I can't wait to hear from you Charlotte. I love you so much.

Love, your big sister Catherine.

That was probably a terrible way to say hello to her for the first time in a week. Her first letter to me after being gone so long would probably be ranting on and on about how well she's adjusting, and how much she loves her mini vacation.

She would always make the best out of the worst situations. I apparently can only make the worst out of the best.

I need to find a place where I can mail this as soon as possible. Hopefully I can do that by the end of this week. Maybe this next week won't be as bad now that everything is sort of settled in.

Or maybe it will be worse since I already know what to expect out of this place.

No matter what, I need to try and control myself or this small vacation will turn into an overwritten nightmare.