Bates Motel: My Experience

No Way Out

There was a part of me that was nervous to be hanging out with this friend and going to this party. This wasn't me. I didn't do this sort of thing. I didn't do drugs and I didn't drink. Not really. Only a couple of times! BUT. But part of me didn't care, like I said! Screw it! YOLO!

Tired of feeling lost, tired of letting go. Tear the whole world down, tear the whole world down. Tired of wasted breath, tired of nothing left. Tear the whole world down, tear the whole world down. Failure.

There were multiple people in the car on the way to the party. Someone had a blunt and lit it up. I took a deep breath and convinced myself this is what I needed. They passed it around the car and it was my turn. I squeezed the end between my index and thumb. I put my lips around the grape-flavored wrap and inhaled. I had done this before years ago so I knew what to do. I'm really good at holding the smoke in my lungs for a good while and then exhaling. That's why I got high pretty quickly that night.

And there was tons of weed hanging around the party so I was flying.

I sipped on some different drinks. I had no idea what they were. Some I took one disgusting swallow of and put it down to pick something different up.

I was sitting amongst a group of stoners and my phone started vibrating. At first, I thought I was tripping but I didn't recognize the number. "Hello?" I slurred. I prayed it wasn't a family member.

"Hello? Ginny? It's Norman."

Norman? What the fu...? "Norman?" I asked. "What's up?" I tried to talk as plainly as I could.

"I'm just calling to see if you were doing ok. Since everything."

I spaced, watching the partiers pass around the joints.

"Ginny? Are you ok?"

"Yo it's puff puff pass, not puff puff all to your damn self!"someone in the circle yelled out.

"Uhm, are you getting high?" Norman asked, overhearing.

Damn it. "I'm just trying to feel better," I said.

"Better?" he probed, wanting more information.

"Yessss Norman, I'm fucking depressed!" I knew I was embarassing myself but I couldn't stop myself. I was buzzed, maybe more, and high. And depressed.

"Is it Dylan? Because if it is, he misses you too. I know he does."

I was getting annoyed and started crying. "Dylan hates me!"

"He can't. I mean come on, Ginny. You two are just having a rough patch."

"No we're not!" I screamed into the phone, sobbing, and hung up. The partiers around me looked at me, some laughing, some confused. I continued sobbing but laughs kept emerging along with it. I stood up, wobbily, and found my way to the kitchen and grabbed some drinks for myself.

I took them with me when I went outside and just started walking. We were in the country so there were woods and pastures. I just started walking with the two red cups and gulped them down. I found a nice quiet patch of grass out in the yard by myself and sat down, staring at the moon and stars. I felt so weird. This wasn't me. I wasn't myself right now.

My phone started vibrating again. I rolled my eyes and looked at the screen. It was Emma. Great. Norman, you snitch. "Hello?" I asked, putting it on speaker and leaving it on the grass in front of me.

"Ginny?" She shouted. "Ginny, Norman told me you were getting high? What the hell is going on?"

"Leave me alone. I just need to get away!"

"Get away? Away from what?"

I tossed my head back and finshed the rest of one of the cups.

"Away from what?" she asked again.

I started feeling sleepy and losing my conscious. I was going in and out. This has happened to me before. "What?" I asked out loud to myself. Someone had just been talking to me. I looked down at the phone's lit up screen.

"Ginny?!"

"Whaaa..." I said, taking my other drink and taking a big swig, dribbling some down my chin. I let myself fall over and get comfortable on the grass. I closed my eyes and the faint noises of partiers and someone calling my name faded away...

Looking out standing over the edge
Too numb to feel alive
So why the fuck are these thoughts in my head?
Reach in and pull them out
Still nothing feels the same
Too late to hesitate
Why can't I run and escape from myself
And live again
Why can't I run and escape from myself

Tell me why I feel like there's no way out
Trying hard to heal as the pain pours out
I don't wanna feel this way but it's hard
'Cos I know that in the end
There's no way out

Oh my god is this really the end?
I guess I'm not alright
I just can't tell what is real anymore
I'm trapped in my own hell
I know this can't be real
This negativity
Is dominating and smothering me
I just can't breathe
And I just can't tell what is real any more

There's nothing left for me
Just tainted memories
There's no one here for me
Just let me be
Why can't I run and escape from myself
I just can't tell what is real any more