Perspective

Part 27

It's been such a long day. Going into work at 6am really makes you like have a full day you know. Now i did still nap right after work because ya girl was tired as shit, but i only slept for a hour. Which isn't bad for me because I've had habits of napping for 2-4 hours. Which in all reality is kind of sometimes my regular sleep span. I can run on 4 hours and be good for quiet some time. And I think i got like 5 or 6 hours before work so it's like a decent amount for like the amount of work i get done before 9am. There was a big ass meat pallet, but the outside pallet and inside pallet weren't too bad. I kind of got lucky because the milk was kind of filled from the night before so didn't have to worry about it too much. But I got it done by 9 so heyo. And then when i woke up i kind of played on my phone for a minute, then got a call from Emma. She asked if i wanted to go to dinner and i was like bet. We went to a Ramen place. I got a peachy tea and like some a chicken and rice bowl with some fixens, she got the spicy ramen and a boba drink. It was a nice little dinner. We caught up a bit because we don't get to see each other how we used to. I miss being with her all the time for real. She said it too, like i don't even remember what i said but it made her laugh and she said, "bitch I've missed you!" Ugh same sis, same. 

You know life is funny. You go about your life either concerning yourself with how others see you or can go about your life and live it and understand that your own world revolves around you and your decisions and NOT other peoples. Because if you live the way where you worry about how other people are going to react to you or what other people are going to think...you're going to miserable. But if you live your life focused on yourself and what makes your happy and what brings you pure joy...then you just might live a life that you're proud of. Of course the people that are going to be in your life, people that you love, will all have their own lives as well. If people can care enough for you and you for them you will make time for them. And that's sort of how life goes. When you're young, you think that people will last forever and always...and sometimes they do. But most of the time they don't. Like is a everlasting revolving door but for people and relationships. Some people come and go. You bond and learn from them, the good or the bad. It's all a small gift and you are either in that persons life for a reason or they are in yours for a reason or both even. You have to be able to go through the heart breaks and heal from them to understand certain things. As a young person and young adult it is hard to understand that concept, hell some grown adults never fully understand it. But at the same time you're not meant to understand it all. Once you have accepted who you are or who you want to be as a person and as a being, things can change in so many ways. It's not going to be easy either, nothing is that easy achieving something so amazing for yourself. It takes time and work. 

Being able to work on myself personally is so crazy. I've grown in so many ways. You know when i first started at the store i was a different person for sure. I was also inside me, but i never really let the positive show the way it should have been able to. And i actually had worked with Natasha for a brief time when i first started. And when i talked to Vanessa yesterday she told me something that made me feel really good about myself and my personal healing process. She said her and Natasha were talking about me. And i was like wait what do you mean. She replied with, "Oh well she said that she loves you now. Like she thinks you're a great worker and you're personality is so lovely from what she remembered from before. And i told her that you are definitely a different person now then what you used to be!" And i love that. Because i know that i wasn't a very nice person and i had mad anger issues and my triggers for my BPD were really bad and my overall attitude about life just sucked. I have really changed in the way that i think and the way that i am and live. And there has been various things that i think has also influenced the change of heart within myself. I succumb to realize that the phrase, "the change started with you" is so true. Because it really does. I also know various people that have either gone through a weight loss journey or a mental health journey and those people have put work into changing themselves. The people that i know that are miserable  and unhappy about so many things don't do anything to help themselves or their situations. It kind of sucks too seeing certain people that you care about or love  being miserable or suffering because they don't take any steps to try ot change themselves. There are more people i know that wallow in their own pity, and they will constantly complain about a lot of things that they could change themselves. You can only do what you can do for yourself and maybe the children that you have if you have them. Sometimes people who have children do get blinded because they have it in them that there is nothing that they can do to change the situations that they are in. But if you believe deep down and work hard enough it can be. I'm sure that there are situations where it seems impossible and that it might have to take extremities to get there. Some people won't be able to simply because they don't have it of purity in their heart to want to better their situations. There is just so many things that vary in each individuals life that there's nothing set in stone. It could also be something that if you believe that there is alternate time lines, that maybe you are different in that life. We just don't know and never could. I like questioning it, simply because it gives my mind a place to wonder to. Plus it helps expand your mind on the possibilities that you could attempt to have for your own future. I am so excited for my future life and what the universe has in store for me. It's had me all along even when i didn't know it...now that i have that real belief in the universe and all of the divinity that is life, and the pure positive intentions that  is my mind, body and soul...who knows what is going to happen now. 

I told Emma today that i am a White witch, like actually and I'm okay with it. I hadn't really talked to her about it before. I've always been into stones and natural nature, but after i started meditating i think that's when i really wanted to take real active life in the witch world. She didn't seen to be surprised or anything. She even commented that she liked the set up for one of my casting that i did and took a photo of. Of course i didn't tell her what it was for, you really shouldn't unless it's manifested itself and you can say that you did that, but she said that it was so cute. And it is. I think the one of the coolest parts of it is that each set up could be different depending on the casting you're doing and the different elements that could be incorporated based on the intentions of the casting. I was kind of explaining that to her and we where talking about it. I liked that she has always been there for me and me there for her and we accept each other for all the things we've gone through. She really is and always will be my rock. 

Well, as of right now i need to be able to use this as my venting grounds. I was supposed to have a therapy appointment today, but i hadn't realized i was going to work a morning. So because of this, i won't be able to do a in person therapy appointment until like the 15th. That sucks. That's like another 2 weeks away man. I guess I'll have a lot to talk about. But then again i always have a lot to talk with her about. So if i do seen to get a bit carried away with certain things there's a chance that's why. I cant reschedule again, i just really want to keep working on it, and every time I've had a session i have left feeling good. It's like i can get a incite on the things that i have questions for that i can't really get a answer to from like just googling it or whatever. Plus i don't trust the internet in that aspect. People want to accept the first answer they are given when they ask things on google or whatever sight they search on. Yes there is a large bit that is accurate, but often there is things that can't be followed by because it's not entirely accurate. The way the world relies on technology is very scary and kind of sad. I almost want to compare what I'm doing here to relying on the internet but like at the same time it's not. The only reason i say it is is because this is being posted publicly for whomever to see. But i also say it isn't the same because i would kind of want to be journaling anyways. Just because of where my mind is at currently i like it for me. I would be talking just like this anyways honestly. Like I've many times before it helps me vent and get my mind out in a form that is visible and not all clouded in my brain. The only reason i have made it public is in fact for other people to read and maybe associate with me and how my brain works. You know for a long time i thought that i was the only one to feel a certain way or think a certain way, but i have gathered that there are people that have similar experiences as mine. Each person is so unique, and the way your life is set up is tethered to you and your soul. No i don't believe that everything i say or vent about is going to align with another in all aspects. I never expected that. But from a point of view as a person who has heard stories from others and have connected with them...it brought me comfort. It's a thing that you can't really explain but comfort. It makes you feel less alone. Like you aren't crazy and you're not completely delusional. Getting a connection with a total stranger in that way, and hearing their story with something that you've dealt with personally is touching to the soul. It makes me feel like I'm going to be alright and that i have people out there that are complete stranger that understand me even though they don't even know who i am. And i hope that i have reached people in that aspect. I love venting my thoughts onto the screen, and the idea that it is helping others feel the way that I've gotten a stupefying feeling from it. 

Thank you.