Perspective

Part 15

Today itself was not too bad. Like i woke up at 4am and made my coffee and got ready for the day. Ugh i was annoyed with my Uber though. Like i get that he's promoting his business but this guy was telling me about his business and how he used to work in a warehouse and like he now went about making his own clothing business that does handbags and cosmetics apparently. And he was like really selling it...but like dawg it's not even 6am and you're trying to hold a long conversation and I'm barely awake. I hardly was replying and he didn't say anything the rest of the ride. But then we got to the store and i was like oh its right there and that goofy bitch goes, "oh you're who i can talk to about a discount huh?" and i was like, "um no.." and i just got out the car. Like homie i don't even got a discount. Plus our store is legit the cheapest store in the state as it is. Go on somewhere. 

I was talking about the driving situation with Cody today. Damn Cody. That motherfucker. He cracks me the fuck up. Always saying some wild shit. I have some peanuts that i will be snacking on through the day and i had asked him if he wanted some of my nuts. And he was like no hard pass. And as i replied laughing i spit a bit by accident i was like, "damn sorry i got some nut on you." He was like, "chloe not the place." We go back and forth like that all the time. Literally one of my favorite coworkers because we just can banter like that and it be funny as hell and we both have that nostalgia of being one of the last few from the opening store staff. We can talk about shit that like other people wouldn't understand, its nice. 

I ended up eating when i got home and then took a fat nap and it was nice as fuck. It was one of those naps that you don't wanna get up from. Nothing beats those naps that you took in school though. Even though it was a hard desk and you're literally blocking the light from your eyes to nap it was somehow the best little naps ever. 

I also bought a package of cinnamon rolls. Like the Fresh ones that we sell at the store. Not actually fresh but like they come frozen and we have to date them. But they taste so fresh they're so good. I might have eaten half the package. I really have gotten back into the bad habit of eating shit that's not great and for whatever reason its so hard for me to fight those urges to get food that's not going to kill me from the inside out. I do not want to go back to gaining weight. Like i know i shouldn't worry about it but i do. And i do get hard on myself about the personal choices that i made about food. It's ridiculous that I do that shit to myself. Like i be going back and forth from deadass wanting to eat because I'm bored or like just because i want to occupy myself. I need to really maybe even try some more hobbies. It weird man. You know my therapist was also talking to me about my eating habits and she did tell me that you know i should try to consider what I'm consuming, Whether it has enough protein or its something that can actually fill my stomach instead o just snacking. And to slow down eating and acknowledge when I'm full or not and to just simply slow down eating. And she's not wrong in either of those aspects. Like i know those things but it just hard for me to follow through with the act of it. I think that through time my stomach is significantly just bigger then a lot of peoples. During that time i was basically starving myself i would get full much faster, But now that i actually eat like a normal person i feel like my stomach is bigger for sure. I kind of hate that just simply because it does also influence me eating more. I wish that i could just turn my brain off that way but i just cant and that sucks. Like once i got back into eating food, wanting the bad food that i really don't need and that's legit just the worst kind of food. Like i can do good for a few days then ill cave. I will eventually have a good week or so, not eating too much, not eating the WORST food, and if i do have shitty or mildly shitty food it wont be a lot. But then i go back to eating shit. Its a relentless circle that stresses me out to a certain extant. Not to mention I'm on my period and when that happens i feel extra hungry to be honest. Like i just be craving snacks and shit all the time, hence then cinnamon rolls.