Perspective

Part 6

So today wasn't just a regular day. It was a bit different in the sense that because it was a shitty day for a friend so i had to be there to help. My friend Devyn is someone who I've know since elementary school as well. She and her family are like another family to me. For a while now, a few years now, I've gone legit over to their house for thanksgiving because they welcome me. I love them and their craziness. Both our families are crazy so I'm used to it. They have their problems, but like at the end of the day, they are one of my families as well. But today Devyn got into a really bad fight with her mom, and i was at work and i had gotten that text from her. From personal experience, i know what it's like to fight with my mom so i felt like she needed an escape for a bit.

When i was still living with my mom I was arguing with her, I don't even remember what it was, and it was getting super heated. I was probably 18 at the time i think, and this was shortly before her and Steve kicked me out. But i was sitting at the table, on the edged of my seat, and we where screaming at each other. My cousin Mylito and his baby momma Hope (they are a story within themselves I'll talk about eventually) where both sitting right there in the room and they can testimony that this happened. But i remember that i had cussed in the middle of the argument and she smacked the fuck out of me. Now, growing up, I've always believe it is rude and i honestly even feel weird doing it, but swearing around or to your parents is just wrong. After she hit me i was like why would you do that? And she said "don't cuss at me" And i remember very specifically that i didn't cuss at her, it was in the words that i said. So i even responded to her that way, i had said, "I didn't fucking cuss at you it was in my sentence." And she hit me in the face again. I was just getting more and more pissed. I was legit balling my fist at her. I honestly don't remember how the argument ended but she hit me more then once in my face...but i never hit back. She left the house and i remember just going back to the room i slept in and crying. My Lito eventually came to comfort me. And this instance made me say how much i had hated her. I felt so much rage towards her. To this day we never talked about the conversation, and my mom has NEVER apologized for all of the things that she has put me and my sister through. And i will eventually want to talk to her about it all, but even my therapist has told me that there's almost no point in trying to talk to her. That makes me so sad, but she's right. I don't think my mom will ever even admit it, or acknowledge what has happened. That day has played in my mind a few times. And I'm more numb to it now then what i would have been to it in the past. And i do love my mom. Sometimes i don't know if it's because i have to or if its because i actually do. Well i believe I've said it before but i do love my mom, i just don't like the kind of person she is. It really gets to me because it makes me feel so confused. It's like no matter how i try to think about it, I won't ever understand the feelings i have for certain people, my mom being one of them. Here and Casey. That's family and childhood trauma for ya thought. Can't really run from it, but it also makes you who you are. And i think sharing that aspect of me is therapeutic and cathartic honestly. 

 So right now Devyn is sleeping on my couch. You see, she lives with her mom still, and i will always say that it's best to stay with your parents as long as they will allow you and as long as you need as a young adult. But I'm going to let her stay for the weekend, but she understand that it's not a solid solution. After Daniel i don't really want anyone to stay with me. Honestly i think the next time I'm going to live with someone, it will probably my life long significant other and the family that i am going to make on my own. Devyn even said it herself she is actually going to finally go out and find a place of her own. Which I'm proud of her for that, because her current living situation at her moms is not healthy. There is a lot of negative energy there. They even have her sister and her family, which includes the baby daddy and 3 kids, all there as well. It's really chaotic. But its too much for the place the size that it is. She really needs this and i think it will help her grow as a person. I believe there is good to Devyn, i think thew environment has prevented her from growing. She deserves her happiness, and in her own situation she is being stunted from being able to explore herself as a adult and what she is capable of.