Perspective

Part 10

It almost makes me feel good to know that other people have weight issues. Like i was talking to my coworker today i because i wasn't happy about my weight on the scale. And she told me about how her daughter has weight issues and that she goes back and forth between being upset about the numbers she sees on the scale. So today i weighed myself this morning and i didn't ;like the number. It was 216lbs. Now mind you I've gotten down to 198lbs. And my average i 'm honestly okay with is like is around 204 - 206lbs. Like if i see that number i wont be as worried about eating and stuff because food is a really big part of my weight loss personally. Like i know that lot of people worry about that too that are going through extensive weight loss and shit but like for me its like a big deal. Actually i have admitted to it before about the weight loss but like there was a portion of time where i lost a lot really quickly and its because i was legit starving myself. Like i would just drink a lot of water or whatever and i just would convince myself i was full based on that. Plus i would chew gum. The act of chewing gum makes me feel less inclined to want to eat food because I'm already occupied with chewing something even though its not actual food. But if i can eat when I'm not starving and don't feel the hunger ach in my stomach i can be okay with that. I need to try to figure out a way to help myself loose weight in a more healthy way. Like ill allow myself to eat shitty food somethings because i simply crave  lit and if I'm at a certain weight then ill legit just sometimes splurge on stuff and gain back 5 to 1o pounds and then get mad at myself over that little aspect. Alison told me that that number on the scale doesn't matter. And i know she's not wrong. But for me and I'm sure for others its a personal thing if the number means something to them or not. And that's fine if it does for you. Because for me i see a number at a certain point that means I've let loose a little too much and i need to change a few things so that i can fix it. It's fine to put yourself on discipline watch honestly. I believe that to be so true inn various ways. Like you can give yourself restrictions to certain things without it being too  much or without it being to vicious for yourself to react to it if that makes sense. You can think of it as a personal challenge for you internally. 

Like today i did decide to go back on a slight diet. And for most you can't just completely cut things out of your life immediately. Like there will have to be a small bridge between one state and another because there is a reaction to your body that could simply happen and it be a negative reaction .to it. It's okay to splurge from time to time to but you just shouldn't completely stop the progress you made. And i think i realized i got to comfortable with food again. No, i don't have to stop completely with the foods i love, but i cant let those bad foods consume me like it has in the past. I will also find myself fighting the urge to want to shove my face with food for no reason whatsoever.

 I think the way that my mom cooked growing up didn't help much in that aspect either. She claims that i was super picky when it came to food, like i had refused to eat veggies and stuff, which is common i guess for young kids. Or i thought. Because I've noticed with a lot of kids they will eat what you give them. If it's new of course they are going to be hesitant to want to try it but then if you can get them to try it they seem to eat it or even want it in the future. Now i noticed a similar pattern with my niece Alyx, she is also "picky". By this meaning she will only eat certain foods and won't try different foods often. I think with kids you have to try to get them to do things and show them that they can get rewards for the things. And eating is a part of that. I don't need people attacking me telling me i don't know what I'm talking about because i don't have kids, but you don't need to have a child of your own to witness and spectate how others are raising their children if you are around them enough. Like with Alyx i know how she is with a lot of things. Although i haven't been around them two much lately I'm not sure how it's going eating wise, but Rwby is a eater. Kid will eat trash if you let her. But from my knowledge Alyx is still picky. And with Gino, my godson, i was around him a lot. Honestly around him more then the girls. I mean i lived with maria and them for a long time, and more then once and i still find ways to get to see them all . These days i kind of keep to myself. Not because i feel like i have to distance myself from everybody but it's because i needed to experience what it was like to be with Chloe instead of feeling like i have to have other around to exist. I exist for me and i come first until i have my own children. Then they will come first. But Gino can be picky too but i think that's because his eating habits are limited a lot. Not really out of fault of Maria because she does what she can with what she has. She might hate me for saying it but she's not a amazing cook or anything, if we're rating her food its average. Like it's not bad but its not great. It's morally good, and that's not a bad thing. But her talent isn't necessarily in the kitchen for the most part. Some people just aren't and that's okay. But i think it also puts a damper on your kids and the way they eat because they aren't constantly being shown new foods. But mind you having 5 kids and not a proper partner to help with the parenting does put a toll on things in various ways. 

By the way, I'm not sure as to what made me thing about this but i wanted to say a thank you to the people that are actually reading this. Like its not a lot of people but without self promotion its a decent amount so far. Like i have had no intention on hyping this at all to anyone because i know this kind of things isn't for everyone and a lot of people might think of it as weird even. But if you have made it this far thank you. it does make me feel like people are in need of my kind of brain and that I'm not the only one that thinks in this way. Or at least that's what it makes me think. it's cool you know that the few people that i have told about this like in real life think it's neat. Actually I've told Dimond, Tone and Vanessa. They like it, the fact that I'm able to share myself with people like that. I was actually just on the phone with Tone. And he called me first. That doesn't happen often with him. It'd usually me calling him and no answer or him calling and he wants food. Which is fine but he will know himself that sometimes i can do it and other times i cant based on my money situation. But like we was actually on a call for a while too and it was nice. I miss him, my best friend. I told him that too. I like to remind him because i feel like as a guy they tend to feel like people don't really care about them in certain aspects and even if they do feel that way they can't talk about it. But with me and him, for the most part he does tell me a lot. More then what he tells other people. Love him man. 

You know i told Dimond earlier about how it makes me feel good that people can feel like they can confide in me. Reason i told her that was mainly because i had a thought about Brian because we where talking about him. To be honest i don't know if I've talked about him or not. I think i might have, but he's one of our part timers. He and i are really cool, like I'm not sure how we got cool but as long as he's worked with us me and him have been cool. Recently we even started having those deep talks you have with your coworkers. Like We ended up talking about love life type shit. And i think it's because I'm chill about it and i don't make people feel weird about stuff they are going to be fine with answering whatever it is i ask or like ask me whatever it is they might want to ask. Shit Brian even told me how many people he's slept with. Like i don't remember exactly why i asked but that's what happened that day and he did tell me. He's really cool. I think maybe he's a little attractive...but like a little. I think it's honestly because he has reminded me of Abe from time to time. I mean those two are besties. Oh yeah i did talk about him because i brought up him and Abe being a epic bromance. But Brian to be throwing small little sextual jokes at me like damn dawg chill out. He's honestly so funny though. Like he didn't know i was a regular associate and i told them they where interviewing my replacement and he was oh nice promotion. And i told him something then he realize i meant my associate replacement. And he legit went, "you're not a LSA?! And I've been letting you boss me around this whole time." If that doesn't prove i have a authority type vibe to me i don't know what does. He still will bring it up like mad a hell about it. But then 10 minutes later asking me what i want him to do fo his next task. I think he likes when i tell him to do stuff to be honestly. He seems like the type. He actually told me that he doesn't date like that either like most likely his next girlfriend will be his forever person. And we stood there talking about that kind of shit for a god minute because if you guys haven't gather, haha me too Brian me too. 

I have such high standards for love honestly. Me and Brian where talking about this crap. He said though that his high standards came from his parents who have been together like 35 years or some shit. That's honestly astounding and very rare these days. That's also a very good reason to think so highly or love if you got to see that growing up. But mine stems from movies and tv love. Like i was more of a indoors kid. Like when it came to daily life i watched a lot of movies and tv. The love that they show from that shit makes me genuinely want it and craze it. Like some scene in movies make you want to experience love in its purest form. And i honestly think that's part of the reason i never settled for anybody yet because that feeling of pure love is in my soul. And just like the movies i will only allow one worthy person to experience it. If you think about it, most people want real love. It doesn't really matter what the plot of the movie is, most of the time there is some type of love or love interest of the main character. That speaks volumes. Like it could be a horror film and there's going to be one person who loves another. It's the most powerful emotion. Its not something that's given out lightly for a lot of people. So honestly if you do question it yourself. Let that universe take the wheel and you will get that one in a life time love. Maybe not today or tomorrow like you'd want, but it will happen. I can't wait for mine, but i can because i know it will so be worth the wait. I don't know what you as a individual would call it, but i think its along the lines of soul mates. And it can be complicated and messy honestly, but its worth it. 

Love is the souls recognition of its counterpoint in another. And yes that's a Wedding Crashers Quote and no truer words have ever been scripted.