Perspective

Part 11

I wasn't sure how to start it today. But i guess ill go with that i had a good day to be honest. Like i wasn't actually supposed to work. I was supposed to be off today. But i had a feeling i was going to have to work. You see Ashley has been honestly trying to get fired like she has intentionally not doing things or like calling into work and stuff. She wants to sue apparently. Even though she's legit went out of way to make it obvious she is planning on this. I don't know she's not wise at all for the most part from what I've learned from her. Anyways, she called into to work yesterday and she needed someone to cover her shift because of a supposed last minute appointment with immigration  and then today she apparently was at a car shop like an hour away from where we work. Like that's crazy because she just straight up has used the same type of excuses to call in and get someone to cover her shift because she is pushing to get fired to sue the company. Even though there's more then just the fact of attendance that's against her. I don't know but she sucks honestly. She's also one of those people that are just negative and rude for no reason all the time because they themselves have miserable life so they want to make everyone's shitty. 

But the day itself was chill i mean i did the work i was supposed to and i scrapped that whole store by myself and i did it really well. But when i first got there Vanessa told me some good news. Basically she talked to our DM and they confirmed i will be finally be going through the promotion process. And i kind of knew i was like I've talked about before but i was just waiting for it. I mean i deserve it and once I'm able to get it all down, like focusing on being manager i think its going to be good. I know I'm going to have a issue with some of the associates and getting him to actually get shit done properly. But I just need to really get into it. I mean i know what needs to be done at this point and i kind of slowly have been making the managers show me things and let me do stuff that they do on a regular basis. Or i will ask other managers what they like to do in certain parts of the day. But if I'm right ill be doing more morning shifts. that means 6am shifts. Which I'm okay with because i kind of like it. It is different from what I'm used to and i like how it makes me feel important like a grown up. I like the feeling of being a grown up and being seen that way. So many people have tried to make me feel like a kid or a child because i have such a goofy personality. And honestly i don't think i could and i won't change how i am in certain aspects. I have learned how to not speak a certain way at certain times and how to react to situations better than some others might. I don't know im nervous but i'm ready for it. It's been a long time in the making. And i care enough to actually take lead in everything. I got this. 

So we have a few regular people that come into the store. And there is this lady, i think she's told me her name like once. But i really like her. I know she herself has been through a lot of stuff. we call her the Pinot lady. She always wants one or two bottles of that Pinot Grigio that we sell. But she herself is in favor of me and Abe being together. I love that a person who doesn't even know me or him personally see's that its entirely possible that him and I would be a amazing couple. That's actually what she said. Today she came in, a bit on buzz from her pre-drink before her Pinot, but she had a convo with me about Abe. She tells me, "You know, don't let him forget about you, you need to make sure he stays in your life. Or you in his. And if he gives a dry response you respond that way too. " She has once said that we would make cute babies. Which, i don't think she's wrong. But she did get me thinking about him again. Ugh Abe. Damn it Abe. I really don't know what this man has done to me. Get's me goin he does. I want to learn about him more and to learn any possible thing i can about him because i honestly do believe there's a possibility that I've learned to love him. But I know that whomever it is i will be with will want the same things of me so i also know i can't just beg for that from someone. It's one of those things i really want you know. 

 It is crazier that i didn't like him at first. I brought that up today with Emma. I got see my Emma today. She picked me up from work and we hung out for a short bit before she had to go home. She gets up early as hell every day too to work so she really should go to bed early but she stayed for quite a bit. I got her back into Riverdale. I don't know if anyone has seen it or not but multiple people have told me that they loose interest in the show after a while. I don't know why because i been hooked for some time and I'm mid season 4, i guess if i do loose interest you'll hear about it but i love this show its great. Anyways Emma picked me up from work today and brought me home and it made us both a little sentimental. Because honestly there was a time where she would get me from work and we would either smoke on the way back to my house, or get a slushy and come back to my house and hotbox in the car or whatever. I miss my girl. That's my lil bestie. There has been many nights where me and her just spend it together chilling just living life. I love her to pieces. We are one of those people who like feel straight comfortable with each other simply because we've been through so much together. There was actually a time when Tone and her would almost argue over who I love more. I could never actually choose between the two of them. I mean we have different relationships too. Like we don't but we do. With Emma she's my wifey and Tone he's my androgynous best friend. I don't want to really pick one or the other either. they both have a huge part in my heart. Today i was just sitting with her as we watched the show and it made me a bit sad because we don't get to see each other as much as we like and we just enjoy each other company for sure. Even like eating wise, we will eat whatever regardless of how we might feel about it. I don't know if that makes sense or not to other people but its a big deal in a sense to some people being able to eat and enjoy yourself around another person. That's me and her for each other for sure. Wifey. 

Me and her have so many stories. We agreed that there was a portion of time that we both kind of went through a drinking heavily and smoking heavily phase. Like to a certain point we mutually agreed that we smoked so much that it honestly felt normal to us to be that baked. And as we where talking about that i remember that feeling. It's actually crazy because i was smoking a lot for a while. Like i would buy a zip at a time. And sometimes the zip i bought could be gone in just a few days. that's crazy. A lot of the time it was just me chilling with a fatty or like my one hitter in public. I will admit i was going into work baked, smoked on break at work either just by myself or Emma would swing by and smoke with me or i would come home from work and continue to get baked. Like a portion of my life there was just me high 24/7. It was either that or it was i was running or massive quantities of caffeine. Either way i wasn't sober. It's crazy. Me and here are two peas in a pod. Not to mention I'm the tall one and she's the small one, and what better pair of besties if there isn't a significant height difference.  

You know I'm glad that i don't do that to myself anymore. Fill my head with that cloud. I'm so glad that I'm able to live life without being fuzzy all the time. Like i was so stressed on the fact that i didn't want to live here or be alive anymore i had to find a way to block it. And i even had a part of time where i would drink with the full intention of blacking out. Because i knew that i would have fun for a short time and then black out and let my body take itself to the next day. I thought it'd be easier for me because that's some less time i had to experience life. And then of course id wake up the next day not ever really remember what happened or how i got to wherever it was i was at. Actually there was multiple times where i woke up and realized something of mine was missing. I'm not going to lie, i do regret that part of my life. Like it was just so fucked up. Like i would tell people that i "didn't know how to stop" so I'd just drink till i blacked out. But that's not so true. I knew when i felt drunk but i was simply okay with blacking out. I honestly wanted it. After i turned 21 i took full advantage of that and drank a lot. Like Liquor and alcohol was water and i was a fish. I really thinks its entirely possible i have a addictive personality. And I've always said in didn't want that and i try to not to get that way about stuff but like i know it's legit a genetic component. Matter of fact i know that SUD(substance use disorder) is a very real thing and i fear i have it. But as of these days I'm choosing to not let that part of me be consumed by the negative versions of which it can occur.  And my birth father, Rick, i know has been into drugs heavily and alcohol. And clearly my mother has addictive issues towards control. And i know that multiple people in my mothers side have been alcoholics. But i I have personally seen people change for the good and i have done that myself. My Aunt tina, she is my papaws sister so basically she's my great aunt. She was a drunk for a long time. I don't know if she used drugs or not i haven't heard any of those stories. But now, she changed herself. She's a nurse and she has a amazing relationship with her children and her grandchildren. And i for one don't want to ever have fix it let alone to even have a negative relationship with my children or grandchildren. I believe that the future is such a gift for me. Not only is it because i have worked for the positive life that io have, but i simply intend the best manifestation positive life as i can because i have the purest intent for it. I don't want people to get harmed in any way, i just want to be able to live life to the fullest and the happiest way possible with everyone that is in my life. And i can't wait to be able to have my personal family and see it all blossom from pure love and pure exoneration that i have done the best in the best way possible and i didn't let the negative overcome me. 

Let's see where this takes us.