Perspective

Part 3

I just got home from a therapist appointment. I do have to say that i like it. I had tried it a while back as i mentioned before, but like i don't its growing on me. Plus it helps me get a bit of validation that i needed for some of my childhood things. I had the weirdest thing happen with my uber today and that fucking sucked. Like it pin pointed me being at a completely different location when i was coming home and it was weird like a whole 10 minutes from my actual location. Like Huh? I had to add a stop that way she could come to the right location. She was cool about it which was relieving. Some uber or Lyft drivers are legit so rude for no reason its weird. Like you have to be in a small confined space with these people and you have a attitude. When i realize about those kind of people i just stay quiet and don't say anything. 

Anyways, in therapy i brought up the fact that i am writing to her and she liked that idea. A few things got brought up. One of them being the fact that my childhood home was in a sense violent. Well not even in a sense, it was in fact violent. I know there's a lot of people that have no problem with whooping your child, but in my house growing up my mom used paddles. Like when i say it was a paddle i mean it was big. About a 3 foot long, about 2.5 inches wide and a depth of at least 1/2 in. She also had a to go one. Like, she kept it in the car. That was the smaller version but still obviously it was going to be big enough to b a painful piece of wood. 

Now don't get me wrong i love my mom. But i don't really like the kind of person that my mom is. She is very negative about a lot of things, she's extremely stubborn, and as i talked about with my therapist today, my mom definitely influenced the violent ways that i was growing up. 

I was so like physically and phytologically mean. Like even Emma herself says there's a possibility that i bullied her into being my friend. Which would not surprise me because of how i was as a young kid. I got suspended various times throughout school. But i noticed that after middle school is when i started to change for the better. i didn't get suspended at all in high school. But if you know anything, you know that young children are influenced by the surroundings that they are in. So it makes a lot of sense thinking about it how the fact that growing up i got my ass beat with a paddle and then the older i got she got rid of the paddles. Actually i remember she wanted to keep the paddles for, and i quote, "sentimental value". That's sick. Like honestly i can't believe some of the things that that women says. She always told me "think before you speak", but girl needs to take her advice sometimes. She just says anything. It could be offensive in many ways to people, but she says stuff anyways. It truly baffles me. And she wonders why me and my sister are the way that we are in some aspects. I told my therapist about this too, but she actually broke the paddle on my sisters ass and she still used it after the fact. She didn't give a single fuck that it could have legit given us splinters but a part of me honestly feels like she enjoyed disciplining us. Of course she has it in her mind that she would feel bad about it, but it just seemed as if she had control over something and the fact that that control made us afraid of her to an extent, that made her feel powerful. Mom has trauma of her own, but the thing with her is that she would never admit that she needs help. And even if she did get any help it would take her a long time to come to terms with her the things she might have done to us because of the way her brain works. You know i don't think she even acknowledged some of the things she did with us. Like the abuse. It's honestly entirely possible that she blacked out during the events. But then again, she knew what she was doing when she used the paddle. Like if we where on the road, and she got pissed enough with us she would pull over wherever we share at and she would whoop us with the to go paddle. Jesus man. It's almost like even after all the things she has done to us growing up, its a miracle we made it this far. But i think my sister got the bitter end of the stick sometimes so i do tend to give her more chances then she deserves because i know she also stabs me in the back often. When it comes to my sister...i don't know the last time i said "i love you " to her. I do say it to mom because right now me and mom are good. Like i don't have current problems with her. But that's because I'm an adult now and i don't have to deal with her on a regular basis. Actually i think my mom kicking me out at 18 was a shitty situation, but at the same time it was one of the best things to happen  to me.
Now after the age of 18 my sister moved out and then moved back with me and mom more then once. The first time she left, mom kicked her out over not doing the dishes. Legit. And i was younger, and when we where younger me and my siter where much closer. I actually missed her so much i slept in her bed every night. I couldn't believe she was gone. Now that I'm older and wiser, it does make me so sad that me and her aren't close like we were at some time. But she has done so many things and said so much fucked up shit that its hard for me to want to even be around her. She herself is super negative as well. Those two are the biggest headache of my life sometimes. But, it had inspired me to be a better person because i don't want to be like them. I strive for my own individuality. And io honor the fact that i am a good person and io work on being one every day. Those two don't really concern themselves with it most of the time. They wallow in their own negative vibes, and i choose not to be around it. Now it does make me feel bad for my nieces. Rwby and Alyxondra. And yes, that is how her name is spelled. I legit just had to add both of their names to my dictionary that's wild.  Casey said it hard to do with a anime i guess. I've not been into anime super hard so i wouldn't know, but that's definitely how you spell it. 

Those poor girls don't really have a good life. Alyx had been in the foster system, she was there for a while actually. Matter of fact the CPS system was in our lives for her for like 3+ years. And it started because my sister was into heavy drugs at one time, and my niece got fed a Xanny when she was like 2.5 years old and almost died. That started the beginning of some shit for that poor baby. But if i am being honest my sister should have never had kids. And the thing about that is i firmly believe some people just simply should not have kids. She is one of them...and she has 2 kids. Actually things where bad. We found out she was pregnant when Alyx was living with my mom, and then when Casey gave birth to Rwby, she actually did not get to take her home from the hospital. My sister was supposed to do the most simple of things to get Alyx back, and she never did many of the things. But then they said that if her house wasn't clean by the time she had Rwby, she wouldn't be taking her home...and she didn't. There's just so many things that happened with my sister that its hard to forgive her. She has put these poor babies in so many shitty circumstances its just wrong and sad. Actually i just found out some more information about some shit my sister was saying and i don't even understand why she said it or what was the reason. So when i was at my family get together, my uncle told me something super fucked up. And it was something super recent my sister was saying. Now when my niece got taken by cps, my uncle and his family took Alyx for a while. And it was actually hard for them because they do always have a lot going on. He has 4 girls himself so that's already a lot. But My sister recently started accusing him of touching my niece when she was with them! Like touching inappropriately. Like i don't understand why she started saying that at all like it was random and super accusatory. And for what. They didn't even have custody of Alyx for a full month. They couldn't keep her for too long because there was just too much to keep her. And it was nice that they took her in. i was relieved. But my sister was supposed to get a few things together before she could get my niece back at that time but she just didn't do them so then she went to foster homes. More then one. There was visitations involved that she legit missed pr called and said she couldn't come for whatever reason. Ugh there's so many things with her. 

I have to wrap this up for now because i have to go to work and best believe I'll be back. Because this is very therapeutic for me at this point. Plus mi sure other people can relate to a certain extent to certain things I've talked about. I will leave off on this note.