A New Day (Book 2)

Chapter 17

Warning, this chapter contains mentions of suicide and negative thoughts. If you are struggling call 988 or please contact me. Your not alone!

Y/n pov

I hand Korbin the gun and put it up to my forehead. "Do it, kill me. DO IT!" I scream. I'm done! I want to be done, I deserve to die. The voices, the dreams, the cry's of my victims, it's all to much. "What are you waiting for. Kill me, please," I say loud enough that only Korbin can hear. BANG!

I can feel my body make a hard contact with the floor. I open my eyes to see that Bucky saved me. I get up from under Bucky's arm and hold myself up on my hands and knees. "no," I breth out. "No,no,No,NO," I cry. "It was supposed to end!" I cry. I don't deserve to live, I've killed people, my on family. I'll kill my teammates, I'll kill everyone, I don't want to kill anymore. I want to be done.

I can feel Bucky take me in his arms. "I was supposed to die," I sob quietly. "Shhh, it's ok," Bucky soothe. I just shake my head. I don't want this, I want to die. Why am I alive when all those innocent people are six feet under?

"I need to be put down! Let me die! I don't deserve to live! I WANT TO DIE!" I confess. Bucky plays with my hair and holds me tight. "No, you don't want that Doll." Bucky ensures me. "It'll be ok, it'll be ok," I tell her. I grab onto Bucky's shirt and nestle my head into him, crying into his shoulder. I smell in his sent, the smell of sandalwood and herbaceous. "I don't want this," I tell him. "I want to die. I deserve to die."

"No you don't. You don't deserve to die. Your going to be ok. We are going to get through this. Together," he tells me. Bucky holds me in his arms, rocking me back and forth, soothing me, calming me down. I just want this to be over. I want to go home, with the people I love. I eventually end up crying myself to sleep in Bucky's arms.

I end up waking up, I can tell that I'm in a bed but I'm completely out of it. "Bucky?" I let out. I look down to my hands to see that my arms and legs are tied down. "Can we take the straps off?" I ask. Having a feeling that they'll say no. Bucky looks at Shuri, then to me. "I wish I could doll, but I can't."

I nod, knowing that it's probably for the best. "We can at least undo the feet," Bucky says with a smile. I nod and give him a little half grin. He undoes my feet and then walks up next to me. I can feel his gaze on me, but I can't look at him. "this is you," he whispers. This peaks my attention. But I don't ask. I don't even know who I am.

"Y/n, how are you feeling?" Shuri asks. I don't answer, and instead just stair down at my legs. "We found a way to help you get back to your old self. We need to get rid of your trigger words. Along with, the Red Soldier. Part of her may still be there, but you will be in control and she won't have a voice," Shuri tells me.

"Ok." I just want this to stop. I want to go back to when it was simple, when I didn't have to worry about being set off. "Can we have a minute?" Bucky asks. I look up, but don't the guts to look him the face. Peter and Shuri leave, and Bucky walks over to me. He sits on the bed and grabs my hand.

"Y/n, can you look at me?" He asks, his voice so sweet and calming. I look up but won't meet his gaze. "What are you think about doll?" He asks. I stay silent for a minute. I sigh, "I'm sorry. I just, I want this to be over. I can't keep pushing her out, I can't be pushing HIM out. I can't, my programing is still in tack. I'm sorry, I just wanted it to stop."

I feel so much dread and shame. I never should have done that. Bucky lifts up my chin with his finger so my eye's meet his ocean blue ones. "You know how I know that this is you? You wanna know how I know that that wasn't you?" He takes a minute, searching my eyes. "You never look me in the eyes, you never did. Not unless I made you. But back there," he say referring to the incident. "You looked me in the eyes. And the real Y/n, the real Y/n is a fighter. Not a quitter. That's what you tought me when I first came to that forsaken place."

"I'm ready to be myself again," I tell him with a smile. We take a minute, sharing each others presence and enjoying each others company. Where would I be with out him? What would I be? I owe James everything. He is my rock, and I'm his.

"When I was a kid," I start. "I always dreamed of finding someone. My Mother would tell me story's of how her and my Father met. I can't fully remember, but I know that he alway's put his family and wife before his own needs. They had true love. How corny but, I alway's wanted that... Even when I was in Hydra, I wanted to find love. Until you came along I never felt love. Sure I had my brother but when he got out, it was.. just me. So when you came and showed me love, something inside of me changed."

"Your the only one that hasn't given up on me, and your the only person who hasn't left me. So, thank you for that," I tell him. I now dare to look him in the eyes and, he kisses me. It's passionate and sweet. He cups my face and I put my hand on the back of his head, feeling his hair in between my finger tips. We pull away, both needing air. We put our foreheads together and sit in silence, yet our body language speaking more then words ever could. I want to be with this man, now and forever. We both sit there, foreheads together, smiling, and enjoying each others presence.