I CAN SEE YOU; jesse swanson x fem!reader

[ 33. hotel room drama ]

| y/n's pov |

AFTER WE ALL got out of the van at our hotel, Flo was teaching Chloe how to ask for things in Spanish and I was walking with Beca.

"Okay, stick with me, 'cause I know so much Italian." Amy said to Emily as we walked.

"Okay." Emily nodded as Aubrey and Beca started petting a dog.

"Gelato. Margherita. Ravioli."

"Amy, we're in Spain." I reminded her and Beca chuckled.

"So, why was Jesse calling you?" Beca asked as we walked into the hotel lobby. "Isn't it like... super early in L.A. right now?"

"Yeah, it was like four when he called me." I replied, fiddling with the J necklace that still hung around my neck. "He said he woke up because of 'some weird dream.' Probably zombies again."

"Again?"

"Mhm. He gets them a lot." I told her. "I tried googling it one time. It just said stuff about anxiety and avoiding problems or whatever, which seems much more like a me thing. Jesse always seems so..."

"Weird?"

I gave her a look. "I don't know how to explain it. He's just... he always seems so calm and doesn't seem to have an issue with anything, so I have no clue what kind of problems he could be avoiding or whatever." I shrugged. "It's probably just bullshit anyway."

"Hey. Uh, girls?" Chloe called out. "We have separate rooms. We don't have to sleep on top of each other anymore."

Unlike any other time we had gone to a hotel.

"Or maybe you should talk to him." Beca suggested as we went to get our keys. "I mean, that can't be too hard, right? You've been together for six years, dude."

---

AFTER MAYBE 10 minutes, we all left our personal rooms to crowd in Aubrey's room.

"Okay, you guys, so we've never competed against bands that play actual instruments." Beca stated the obvious as we went through different snacks. "What's the plan?"

"I really think we should just stay true to ourselves, and it will all figure itself out." Emily answered.

"Emily? Please hear this in the best way possible." Amy spoke to her. "You're a very stupid person."

"You know what?" Chloe looked around. "Maybe it won't matter if we win it not, because they will like us so much that they will invite us to keep touring with them. And it won't matter if I get into vet school because we will be together as a family, supporting each other. And really, isn't that what it's all about?"

Okay, so she still hasn't moved on.

"Yes." Aubrey and Emily agreed.

"Yeah, except for all families break apart, and the only person you can ever truly rely on is yourself." Amy stated and the room went quiet. "Alright, time to drop a smash."

"What?" Aubrey looked at her. "No, no, no, no, no."

"I think it's a whole album."

"Oh, no, no."

Amy left and went to her own room.

I just sat quietly.

Maybe what she said was right. Jesse was my family, and lately things had been feeling like they're breaking apart.

And the more I thought about it, the more I realised it was my fault.

I had been pushing him away and avoiding talking to him about my feelings and things that were actually important.

"Y/N, are you okay?" Aubrey asked and I looked up at her. The other Bellas were all staring at me too.

"Um, I'm..." My words drifted off. "Maybe."

"Is it about Jesse?" Chloe asked before gasping. "Are you guys having problems?"

"No!" I denied before pausing. "Maybe a little."

"Spill." Chloe sat up properly and stared me in the eyes.

"It's really not that exciting—"

"Come on, tell us."

I sighed and looked around at the group of women.

"I think... I think I'm messing things up." I told them.

"How?" Aubrey asked. "By being here?"

"No. I'm just always so busy because of work, and now I'm doing this, it's like I'm barely home and I think he thinks I'm avoiding him." I covered my face with my hands. "And I think maybe I am, too."

The hotel room was dead silent.

"It's not that I don't love him, because I do. So much." I explained. "I love him so much and I'm terrified of losing him. But..."

"But?" Aubrey repeated.

"He wants kids and a family so bad, and I'm scared of that." I sighed. "It's not that I don't want it, because I do. I really do. That's the whole reason we bought an actual house last year."

"You guys bought a house?" Beca asked.

I nodded. "I'm just scared I'm going to mess something up, or, like, what if something goes wrong?"

"Can't you talk to him about that?" Chloe suggested, her voice soft. "I mean, he's Jesse. He'd understand. Right?"

I looked at her skeptically. I'm sure he would, but I was still worried.

"Y/N," Aubrey spoke and she grabbed my hand. "Jesse loves you. I could see it from the moment I first saw the two of you together. You shouldn't be scared to talk to him, okay?"

"I'm—" I nodded. "Okay, yeah, alright. I'm sorry for bringing the mood down, guys."

"Oh, don't worry about it." Chloe brushed it off and smiled. "Now, come on, let's celebrate. Our first show together in three years is tonight!"

"Whoo!" Cheers came from the others and I smiled.