Fools

Part 57

cate's pov;

I woke up the next morning, I looked at my phone, the time was 12. This is the latest I've ever slept in and I didn't even get up to eat last night, I feel like I haven't eaten in days but at the same time I just have no urge to eat. I quickly stretched, fixed my hair again and walked out to the living room. Caspar was watching tv, I went and sat next to him.

"Hey." He said, he looked at me with the straightest face ever.
"Hi." I said softly, I nestled up close to him.
"You didn't come to eat last night." He put his arm around me.
"I know, I wasn't hungry."
"Cate, I haven't seen you eat in days." He said with a sigh, I didn't say anything back, I didn't know how to reply to that. "Is everything okay?" I nodded. "
"I do eat Casp. When I'm out, I eat."
"Okay. Well when am I going to meet the friends you've been hanging out with?" I shrugged. "Okay."
"I'm sorry. They just aren't the bring around types, I just go to them." I told him, he sighed again.
"Alright. I just worry okay? You're going all secretive on me and I don't understand why. Are you still seeing Joe? How's school?"
"Casp please," I said softly. "No more questions. Let me just lay here with you."I heard him sigh again.

I hated the feeling of knowing I'm disappointing him, but in the end I just feel happier with myself. I've been lost for a while since everything with Lilah, Joe, Sydney, just everything. And trust me, I know drugs are never the answer and I'm probably hanging out with the wrong crowd but I've never felt so alive. I actually have motivation to get myself together and out of bed, to the wrong thing? Yes but it's more than I've done before. I have been more secretive with Caspar and it really hurts to be that way, but he'd send me away or something if he knew what I was doing. It'd hurt him more to even find out I was on drugs in the slightest so I'm hoping he doesn't find out in anyway. With Joe, it's different. He doesn't know a thing and won't ever find out since he's at his rehab center. It's wrong of me to hookup with people while we're technically together, Johnny isn't the first one I've hooked up with since I met Kira either. You would think that doing so, it'd make me feel guilty or sick but it honestly doesn't. I get more joy out of doing that then entertaining Joe, but I need him around to pick me up when I need it and I still do care for him and love him, don't get me wrong. But this is my chance to live a little, so I'm taking it without regards to anyone else and it's probably going to be my down fall. I sound like a user already, I'm showing all the signs but I just can't back away, not yet.

the night before, lilah's pov;

"Okay, you can open in just a second." Ashton said to me, he has his hands covering my eyes as we walked up some steps. He said he had one more surprise for me. He motioned my hand to open a door, it was silent after that. "Alright, ready?" I nodded, he uncovered my eyes.
"Surprise!!" Everyone shouted, I instantly had a giant smile.
"Ah oh my goodness! You guys are all so sweet." I turned around and gave Ashton a kiss with a hug. "You're the best Ash." I whispered. The party was at Ethan's frat house, they went all out with the decorations, I looked over into the living room and there was a pink and white frosted cake with strawberries and cherries on it, it was adorable. Over in the lounge room, there was a table that already had some gifts on it. Of course I didn't know everyone at the party, just Ethan's friends, Ashton's friends and then Sydney, a couple of people are just extras I guess but that's okay, as Ashton says, the more the merrier. I turned back around to see Sydney holding her arms out for a hug.
"Happy birthday again sweetheart." She said as she pulled me in.
"Ugh, I love you, thank you. You wanna go grab a drink?" I asked her, she smirked at me.
"Oh, you know I do." I kissed Ashton really quick on the cheek before walking towards the kitchen with Sydney, Ashton had already walked off with Drake and Ethan. "This is pretty amazing isn't it?" She asked, I smiled through my drink.
"It really is. You guys went above and beyond for my birthday seriously, and I couldn't thank you enough."
"It's no problem Ly, we appreciate you being in our lives and you only turn 24 once." She said, we both laughed.
"Right right, I guess I could count it as a milestone." I laughed again. "But I appreciate you guys in my life too, I have great friends to count on." She smiled. "Ashton asked me to be his girlfriend earlier." I told her, she took a sip of her drink and there was a pause before she responded.
"Well that's great Ly, I'm happy for you." She said, I faintly smiled.
"Listen Syd, about earlier,"
"It's fine Ly, don't worry about it." She cut me off. "I'll catch up with you in a bit, I'm gonna see if Ethan wants to play some beer pong. We'll do some shots later?" I nodded, she smiled then walked away. I hated the fact that Sydney was avoiding us talking about what happened. She's been weird ever since Ashton came to the festival, she just won't tell me exactly why. There's no way Syd has feelings for me if that's the case, she even admitted she wouldn't date a girl so I don't see any of those being an issue. I would just love to spend my birthday completely with my best friend, but if she can't be around me after what happened then I guess I have to be okay with it without actually being okay with it.

I was taking some sips of my drink, swaying to the music, still in the kitchen where Sydney left me. I looked around and gazed at everyone having fun, this is the part where I get inside my head and start putting myself down. That everyone should be having fun without me. I just need to suck it the fuck up, honestly. It's not just some regular party, it's my birthday party. I filled my cup back up to the brim, it was almost gone anyways and then I poured & took myself 2 quick shots before walking from the kitchen.

I walked over to the stereo in the living room and turned it up louder, everyone cheered. I downed some of my drink before joining the crowd of people dancing. Dancing by yourself really fills a void, it just makes me feel better when I can feel myself having fun. I was taking sips while dancing, trying to finish this one now. I felt someone grab my waist, my eyes were closed so I didn't see. I opened them and saw Ashton behind me.

"Hey you, enjoying your party?" He asked, I turned and wrapped my arms around his neck, he pulled me closer.
"I am, thank you." I smiled. "Have you seen Sydney?"
"She's upstairs with Ethan."
"Oh."
"You guys okay?" I shrugged. "I guess so, just feels like she's been avoiding me since earlier."
"I'm sure it's fine. They'll come back down in a little I'm sure." He told me, I nodded and smiled faintly. We were swaying together to the music, I felt butterflies in my stomach but knots at the same time. I can't explain how I'm feeling right now and I'm honestly scared to fully realize the reason I'm feeling this way. "You alright?" He asked, snapping me out of my daze.
"Oh, yeah, I just, I'm sorry Ash. I'm gonna go get some air and then I'll be back, okay?" He nodded and let go of me slowly. I flashed him a smile before giving him a kiss on the cheek and walking away.

I left the house and just started walking down the sidewalk, there was a little bench a couple feet away, so I sat down. I feel so selfish right now, Ashton went to all this trouble for the party and I'm not even there to appreciate it. Would selfish even be the right word? Trust me, I love the fact that he did this for me, and that everyone came out to celebrate with us. But I can't help but wonder if things for Sydney and I took a bad turn by doing what we did, and I can't lose her. She's my absolute best friend, she just gets me. The whole thing with Cate brought us closer and I couldn't be more thankful, I just hope our actions didn't deteriorate our friendship or whatever the hell it is. One thing I do know though, is I'm definitely not letting what happened with Cate and I to happen with Sydney. 

I was twittiling with my fingers, looking around a bit when I heard footsteps approaching. I looked over and saw Sydney coming towards me, why does this feel like straight out of a movie right now?? 

"Hey. Ashton told me I'd find you out here somewhere. You alright?" She asked then sat down next to me.
"Well here I am. But, yeah. I'm fine." I told her, she sighed and scooted closer to me, I got a chill. 
"Listen Ly. I'm sorry if it felt like I was avoiding you back there."
"It kind of did yeah." I said, I looked at her and laughed, she scoffed then smiled.
"Yes I know. But anyways. It's just- I just- I don't know how I feel okay? I told you I wouldn't ever date a girl, let alone it even be my best friend. But I can't help but think that maybe I have some sort of feelings towards you? I just- I want us to be okay. Not weird, but okay. You have Ashton, I have Ethan, we should just be appreciative of what we have and leave us alone. Not you, but me."
"Syd, just because you think you have feelings for me doesn't mean you're unappreciative of Ethan and what you guys have."
"I know, but just it feels unfair. Because I couldn't imagine what I'd feel like if I found out or just never knew that he was hooking up with someone and then potentially caught feelings."
"But we aren't hooking up, we did one time. It wouldn't happen again and if he finds out, I'm sure he'd know that, that it was a mistake." I told her.
"You think it was a mistake?" She turned to me and asked.
"No, I didn't mean it like that." She nodded. "I don't know what I feel either," I started. "This whole time through the party I've just been thinking of you, wondering where you are and why you aren't with me.." She smiled faintly. "Just this, us, it wouldn't be a good idea. Cate and I ruined our entire friendship because we decided to take it to the next level."
"Yeah I guess I agree." She said.
"I don't know what to say." It got quiet for a second after that. 
"Just what do you do when you want someone so bad, that you know you can't have?" She asked, I turned and we locked eyes for a moment.
"I don't know Syd, I really don't know."

---