Redemption of Royals (Royal #1: Book 3) | ✔

47

was feeling a bit down, cheer me up now that I've made your day (the arrogance in this istg 💀)

-• into the deep end of no return •-

cw: scenes involving oral sex

Taranya

Rudra sleeps so peacefully post an orgasm bliss, it's so endearing. He still sleeps seated, thinking I don't notice since he cuddles me every night like it's a ritual. But I know once I'm fast asleep, he goes back to his usual sleeping methods.

It's going to be hard, making him drop his high walls and let the normalcy creep back in. He has a misconception that expressing yourself automatically translates into being completely defenseless and vulnerable. And while I'm happy he doesn't wear that facade around me, I hate that he thinks the world is out to hurt him at the very first chance it gets.

Detachment for one is prevalent in his attitude. But I understand where he's coming from. He was deprived of love and affection at a very young age and it has made him believe emotions are mere tools depraved people use to extort the weaker. It breaks my heart, because I know if this man was provided with a normal childhood, he'd have grown up to become the most amazing man I know. Because despite not having it, he still turned out to become the most amazing man I know.

It reminds me of our Seoul trip. Back at the hotel when he tipped the butler, the old man said something along the lines of, "You'll grow up to become a kind and generous gentleman."

And my goodness, did he predict right.

I'm so scared of falling in love with this man, because I know he'll always love me more than I'll ever love him and the realisation leaves me reconsidering my worth in this relationship. He might have said countless lies, betrayed me more than once, but I also know he loves me like no other man will ever come close to the thought of, let alone the reality of its intensity. And he's a changed man now. He's constantly moulding himself to fit into my life. I'm afraid any future dent in the relationship will be from my side, and I'll be the reason if it ever falls apart.

It's the same as when you stand at the bank of the river, bare toes hovering over the surface, and you hesitate because of the cold instead of the depths.

Love? He's doing it better than me, and I can never compare it to the way he expresses it, constantly, devotedly, as if whatever he's feeling isn't just an emotion, but a sense of fulfillment that needs to be worshipped.

I'm not looking for a winner or a loser in our relationship. No, I'm insecure because if he chooses to walk out one day, I'll simply let him, assuming I fail on my end to keep him happy. Because I know he did his best, fuck, he's doing his best, and I'm still so indecisive regarding my feelings, unable to figure out whether what I'm feeling is really love or not. I know he said I can take my time, that he's willing to wait, but you know something about waiting? The power to walk out is often- always in the hands of the person doing the waiting. They can simply think it's time to stop, and you would be left banging your head on the wall because like the muddlehead you are, failed to figure out your shit in time. Ninety nine percent chances are you'll regret making them wait so long that they finally grow tired of your bullshit and decide you aren't worth it.

I drop my head on the headboard and stare at the ceiling lights blankly. I can't fathom how he sleeps with lights on. I can't even rest if the room isn't doused in darkness.

Grabbing my phone from the nightstand, I turn off all the lights and step outside on the balcony. I wonder if Janet is still awake. I check the time difference and facetime her. It's still ten pm in England. She answers on the third ring.