Blood Within Myself//Gerard Way

Maybe he was just fourteen (16)

"I want what's best for you and I think this is best for you." He looked at me. "Even if it breaks my fucking heart. I love you, and you deserve the world." He said and looked at me. Love me but break up with me? Make it make sense Gerard. I felt my heart break, and I bursted into tears. Suddenly I was 14 years old again, curled up in my bedroom after Gerard and his friends found some reason to be mean to me, and I couldn't tell my mom, because Gerard was her best friends son. And I couldn't tell my brother because he made it out to be like I had a crush on Gerard. I can still feel that moment. My best friend, in the whole world, finding a reason to hate me? My best friend my whole life finding a reason to not love me anymore? Suddenly for a moment, I was that young girl, laying in bed crying, after feeling mass rejection. Maybe this is the right thing? Maybe I've just become so damaged that when someone tries to give me the right thing.. this is how I respond? Why is it when the story fully ends.. we finally begin to feel all of it? This is officially it.

FLASHBACK, 14 YEARS OLD:
"Sorry Eleanor, we just can't talk. You just.. don't interest me anymore." Gerard shrugged and looked at the girl. Barely understanding what his own words were attempting to state. "What?" Eleanor, formally known by Gerard as "Ellie" looked at him. "We can't be friends, my friends don't like you." The boy looked directly at her, his friends not far from him. "But, we have been friends since we were babies." The young girl looked at him, after knowing someone for so long, you would think you would never outgrow each other. Maybe, if you believe in this shit, people grow and outgrow each other. But to Ellie, well.. that's bullshit. "Quit asking Questions Eleanor. I just don't wanna talk, or hang out, or anything anymore okay?" Gerard made no sense out of what he was saying, but couldn't take it back, and couldn't take back the mean comments his friends had made. It was probably better off for her. His friends were typical assholes. "Oh, got it." Eleanor looked down at her feet as the boy walked away. She watched his black and white tennis shoes take several steps ahead. She went home, after countless hours thinking about it at school, went to her room, and locked the door. No use in telling anyone, no one in her house would get it. "Eleanor honey, come get dinner!" The teenagers mom called. "I ate already." Eleanor called in response. "When?" Her mom asked, her mom worked, wasn't home, easy to fool anyway. "Earlier." She responded shortly, wanting to sleep, or stop the thinking process somehow. As she cried in her room, she thought about the endless reasons he might stop talking to her. If people want you in their life, they will prioritize you.. right? That's how it works. She wanted to tell him that his absence won't break her, is that to poetic for a 14 year old boy to understand?
Maybe he wasn't evil, maybe he was just 14,

FLASHBACK OVER:
"Please don't cry, no please listen." Gerard placed his hands on my shoulders. "Don't touch me please." I cried more. "Eleanor, look at me." He said to me. Last time he called me Eleanor he didn't want me anymore. "Eleanor?" I looked up at him. "Eleanor, Ellie, El's." He whispered. "I don't get it." I crossed my arms. "I know, I don't expect you to get it. I just want you to complete your dreams Ellie. And if that means you go to California, and you do that, while I stay in New York, I want that. I want that for you." He said, his voice serious. "But I don't want that!" I raised my voice slightly. "Yes you do! You know you do!" He responded. I did want that, but who cares. I also want him. My dreams can go on stand by for him. "Don't let me hold you back Ellie." He looked at me, honestly the most sincere he's ever looked. "So you are just gonna act like nothing happened?" I said and sighed. "No that's far from it. We can, you know, stay friends." He ran his hands through his hair. "I don't want to just be your friend." I said sadly. "I don't want that either. But I also won't let you waste away. Please." He pulled me into a hug. "Got it." I sighed, and pulled away, turning the other way to leave the room. "Please don't do this Els. Don't make this end badly." He said with a pleading tone. "How else would this end?" I asked him. "I love you." Tears were forming in his eyes now. "I love you too." I gave a sad smile and walked the other way.

Gerard left and I immediately called my brother, I told him everything while uncontrollably crying. "Ellie you deserve to have someone who wants to support your dreams while being by your side. Find someone who wants to stay and be involved with your dreams." Was my brothers advice. Bullshit advice. I told my mom, and she apologized, but semi agreed with my brother. I also told.. Donna. Donna felt heart broken. I felt terrible. Mikey was sad too, but he said he would be fine if I still talked to him, and I promised I would. I decided since I'm leaving for Cali soon that I need to hang out with Frank, Jamia, and Ray one last time. Broke the news to Ray there. They all apologized and felt terrible. Frank felt bad because he felt like it was his fault. I explained that he didn't do anything, and I'm sorry how I acted.
I then started packing to leave. I hope I have a decent roommate in college. Maybe someone cool, who likes what I like. Someone who isn't like Amber. I felt bad leaving Mikey behind, but I know he will be fine. I'm gonna call him everyday, and mail him things. I know he will enjoy that.