Rain Check?

~52~

What the hell am I doing?

  The words that constantly swim through my mind without ceasing. The words that have been playing over and over since agreeing to be Chris' date for the Golden Globes. The words that became much louder on the plane ride out to LA as well.

  Chris and Scott had come out earlier than I'd been able to get away from the school. So a long quiet flight alone leaves a lot of time for panic and questions of doubt. 

  Maybe I could fake a migraine? Fake cramps? I could fake nausea but that technically wouldn't be fake considering the amount of gymnastics the butterflies in my guts are performing. 

  This all screams disaster waiting to happen according to my mother. Who by the way, I'd manage to piss off again right before leaving. 

  I'd originally had plans to attend a play with both my mother and Conor at a local theater in downtown Boston. But, when Chris asked me to come out to LA for something as big as The Golden Globes, how could I say no? 

  'Sorry, got plans to see The Vagina Monologues with the family so I can't be your plus one to one of the biggest nights in Hollywood,' just didn't make sense when I said the words out loud. 

  But in my mother's eyes, I had basically spit on her grave and walked away giving her the finger. "Coming between you and your family again."

  Conor just rolled her eyes at dinner that night, and bit her tongue. I however told her I'd make it up to her with lunch the following weekend. The night ended soon after with her famous words.

  "What would your father say?"

  I hate those words. 

  I want to scream at the top of my lungs that he's not here to say anything but if he was he'd want me to pursue whatever this possibility is with Chris and he would set you in your place real quick. 

  And then I'd call her 'Mother' because she hates the way I say it, telling me I make it sound like a curse word.

  Well...

  Grabbing my carry on from the overhead compartment when we land, I attempt to push all of the unsettled resentment down deep. I think about the message I received from Chris last night. He sent me a photo from the back porch of his home in California, sun setting in a glorious manner, telling me he couldn't wait to experience it with me.

  My heart skips at the thought of such a picturesque moment with him. What some may think of as a once in a lifetime moment, has the possibility of becoming a regular occurrence for me.  

  Walking off the plane I think further about how this back and forth across the country may also become a normal thing in my life. One week away from Chris was difficult enough, or maybe it only felt that way because of that dumb interview. 

  But, will it all lead to just becoming a bigger disappointment to my mother, constantly canceling plans to follow a man? 

  Oh how I wish my father were still alive.

  Not only because of how much I miss him, how upsetting it is when I think about all the things he won't be a part of. No, it's more so the fact that my mother wouldn't be this shell of a person constantly throwing things back in my face. 

  We weren't like this before he passed. If anything someone might look at our family unit and think things were perfect, outside of feeling pity towards Conor's situation with Liam. 

  And it was, but apparently perfection died along with my father.

  Mom had completely flipped a switch since practically marrying me off to Chris on Christmas Day, making me wonder if maybe she's bipolar at this point. Maybe that's something I should mention in confidence to Conor when I get back to the East Coast in a few days.