January. // z.m. au

Chapter 54

Honest | The Neighbourhood

I was never one to ignore people, and not that I was ignoring Zayn at all (well not on purpose anyway), but I was so caught up with thinking that this was how everything turned out. I couldn't stop thinking about my little run in with Dahlia; were they really going to move in together? Not that it mattered necessarily to me because it didn't. The past was the past and I can't help that it happened that way. I guess I was just angry because of what Zayn said to me.

Was I really the first person to share certain things with Zayn or was it beyond that? To me it seemed like I was under the impression that Zayn had lied to me in a way. Whether he meant to or not, that was s different story, but if he was really going to move in with Dahlia when they were together, was there anything else he was keeping from me as well? Was I really the first person he's felt this way about? Because it seemed to me like I wasn't and that he had definitely felt this way before. And if Dahlia's claims were correct like she stated, was his relationship with me all that different? I mean obviously it was to a certain extent seeing as I hadn't pushed Zayn aside like his ex had, but if he could love his ex enough to move in with her, wasn't that something he has already done before, something that he claimed he hadn't?

I was so confused. And maybe that was why I was sad after all. I didn't care that Zayn had plans to move in with Dahlia, because I had nothing to do with that relationship. I was never a part of it so I cold never fully understand. But what got me was how Zayn made me feel so special, and then it only led to me finding out that someone else was being treated the same way I was.

I didn't want to be mad at all, but I couldn't help that I was. Maybe I was over exaggerating, or maybe I wasn't. Every person had their own way of dealing with things, everyone looks at things in certain ways, and this happened to be how I was handling it.

In a way, and I hated thinking this, I felt used. No, I knew Zayn would never intentionally hurt me or purposely try to make me feel like less than I was, but I felt like I was a part of some cycle. Who knows? Maybe Zayn had done the things he's done with me before. Maybe I wasn't one of a kind to him. He said I was different, we were different, but now I wasn't even sure if that was true. Come to think of it, I wasn't sure of anything anymore.

Even though I was sitting next to Zayn right now, I almost completely forgot he was here in the first place. I was so lost in my own mind that I hadn't realized my surroundings until Zayn's voice was filling the quiet room.

"Are you okay?" He asked me, keeping his voice small. He reached over to place a hand on my bare knee, rubbing my skin gently.

"Yeah," I let out a puff of air. As much as I dreaded to conversation that was bound to come, I knew it would happen anyway. When that was exactly, I wasn't completely sure. "I'm just thinking."

Zayn nodded as if he understood. Which he didn't, I knew that for a fact. "About what?" He asked curiously, his thumb creating circles against my skin.

Would it be dumb of me to let him in on what was going on inside my head, or would it be even dumber if I let my thoughts eat away at my mind if I kept it all in? Usually I was a pusher; I made myself do things I had to even if I was contemplating not doing so, but this time I had no strength whatsoever to do so. I wasn't even in the mood, but I couldn't let it get away. I felt like it would all come back to bite me in the ass anyway, so why not get it over with now?

I sighed loud enough for the both of us to hear before I sat up straight, removing myself from where I was curled up into Zayn. I bit my lip nervously. I didn't know how to start -- I had no clue what to do or say. But I guess that didn't matter much to me because I ended up blurting out what I was going to say despite my uncertainty.