I stared into my fingers, not trying to talk or even think of her. The way I've felt about her has been suppressed for so long I don't even know how I feel about her anymore.
"Do you remember the age when your mom gave you up?" He asked
I sighed, "No, just know I was real young from what I was told."
"Do you know why, if not, what do you think the reason is?"
I shrugged, "I don't know, man, she was a dead beat ass bitch that ain't want no kids that's why."
He nodded, "Okay, you said kids, do you have any siblings?"
"A sister."
"Okay, and what is her name?"
"Mia."
"How is the relationship between the two of you?"
"It's alright, not talkin' right now."
He nodded, "I would love to touch more basis on Mia but I want to get back to your mom first, what age did you begin feeling the wrath of not having your mom? What age did you find out?"
I slouched down a bit on the couch, "I don't know, man, 6..7."
"And what was going on and how'd you figure it out? Tell me the story."
"Are you serious?" I asked
He stared at me with a blank facial expression, indicating he was serious.
I let out another annoyed huff, this nigga really wanna be all in my business.
"What if I don't remember?"
"It's a very significant factor in your life, you do remember, you've just pushed the memory so far back in your subconscious because it hurts so you try not to remember. Where were you?" He asked
"Where was I?"
"Yes, where were you?" He asked
"Basketball practice, that's all I remember."
"Do you play or like basketball now?"
I shook my head, "No, football."
He nodded, "Okay. Tell me the story about how you became interested in basketball and I'll try a technique from there."
I shrugged, "When I was younger I always said I wanted to play basketball 'cause I'd always see older kids on the court at the park and it..inspired me I guess..." I said
"Alright, now close your eyes for me."
"What? Hell naw, you might poison me."
He chuckled, "I'm not here to harm you, Chris, it's just a technique to help you recall the story."
I sighed, "Okay." I said, slowly closing my eyes and peeking them open periodically as he wrote on his notepad, making sure he wasn't tryna poison me or some shit.
"Now, where were you when you first begin to feel the hurt and emotions of your mother being gone?"
I sighed while my eyes remained closed, "At a basketball game."
"Whose game was it?"
"Mine, me and some kids." I said
"How'd you get onto the basketball team? Did she put you in it?"
"No, she allowed me to practice with the other younger kids after school."
"Now tell me about the game, how'd you feel about playing in it?" He asked
"I found out at the last minute but was excited. It wasn't suppose to be a game but it was just a lil' game the coach put together for us kids to make us feel like we were included. I wanted my grandma to come but she wasn't able to,"
"Why was she not able to come?"
"She was workin', which I understood, she was the only one taking care of me and the bills."
"So what else happened that day?" He asked
"We started playin' the game and I was havin' hella fun and we won against the other team. I was excited!"
"And what happened when everyone won, what'd you do?" He asked
"I didn't do anything."
"You didn't do anything?" He asked
"No."
"Are you sure this is the day you found out?"
I nodded, "Yeah."
There was at least a minute of silence.
"You were so ecstatic from winning the game, you felt a feeling of so much warmth seeing all of those children hugging their parents because they just won and you wanted so badly to get that feeling, you glanced at the empty bleachers to only see no one there for you—not even your grandma. You understood why your grandma wasn't there but you were wondering why there wasn't even a replacement to watch you play..you get picked up and you go home, how do you feel now?" He explained
The memories seem to have started flooding in as if it happened yesterday.
"I'm...sad." I said
"And what happens from there?"
"When the school bus dropped me off, I stormed upstairs and went to go play my game. I had a habit of masking my hurt with distractions."
"When'd your grandma come home?"
"At 8 that night. She made dinner and asked me how was my game while she placed the food down for us. I was still mad so I didn't reply to her. She pulled a chair out to question why I was mad and I explained to her how I looked for her in the bleachers and she said, 'I told you, Maurice, I had to work.' And I said, "I know, grandma, I was just hoping you'd surprise me." I continued staring at my plate of food and she stared at me but I pretended not to see her..."
"Did she tell you at that moment?"
"No, she told me after dinner. I usually helped her wash the dishes after dinner before I went to take my bath so that's what I was doing. It was silent and my mind was still roaming, I asked her, "Grandma, why was no one else there for me?," she didn't understand what I meant so I asked her why was no one else there at the game for me even if she couldn't make it, and where was my mom? I understood at that time that she was my grandma, hence why I called her it but this was when I begin to question my mom's absence..."
"And what'd she say?"
"She had me stop doing the dishes and she sat me down and said to me, "Sometimes, children are brought into this world by someone that has no idea what to do with their life—let alone a child, sometimes the child is too much for them to handle so they allow someone else to take care of them, and that is what I'm here for." It didn't answer my question though, but instead of me asking again, I asked, "So that means she didn't want me?" And...and she didn't say anything," I felt my eyes begin to well up and my voice tone change but I tried to maintain my strength by continuing on,
I sighed, "She didn't say anything, she just gave me a sympathetic smile and rubbed my hand."
"What happened after that?"
"I ran upstairs and cried into my pillow, I cried for a very long time."
"How long were you sad about this?"
"Some weeks, It was just then that I started really feeling the void of not having her and accepting why. I never paid attention to why she was gone or where she was before then, I had no reason to. That night of my first game is what made me realize...." I explained
"Very good, Chris, you've answered both of my questions, I'm proud of you. You can now open your eyes."
I opened my eyes and felt the tears that were
welled up fall. I quickly wiped them while he wrote on the clipboard.
"Now answer this, how do you feel about your mom now? Do you know if she's alive or not?"
"She is, my sister talks to her and wanted me to meet her—"
He raised his eyebrows, "She did? Are you going to?"
I shook my head, "Hell naw, I refuse to."
"What is your reasoning?"
"You didn't want me then, you don't want me now."
"What if she has changed?"
I frowned, "I could careless about if she changed, she'll be no different than she was then. I don't have to see her 'cause she wanna be a mother now, I'm well over grown—she didn't come see me when I was a lil boy wanting a mama—fuck her! And I mean that in the most disrespectful way."
"I understand you're angry, Chris, but don't you think that you two possibly talking it out, with a therapist guiding the conversation so it doesn't spiral out of control, that your feelings will be properly dispersed and now you won't be going around harboring this unwanted anger?"
"No! I don't have shit to say to her, I'm not talkin' to her and I'm standing on it. I'll go around angry at the world for the rest of my life before I step foot in her face. All she gonna do is try to get close to me just to withdraw it and disappear! I can't take abandonment from her again. Stop tryna be a peacemaker, I don't give a fuck about that lady, she can die for all I care—and my pops too if he not already dead." I yelled
He opened his mouth to speak, "Y—"
"Man..." I got up and grabbed my jacket and stormed out.
At this point fuck everybody.
••••
That weekend
Taylor
Cheyenne was all ready for Chris to come pick her up for the weekend, he was a good 10 minutes away. Her bag was packed and she lye here, asleep in her car seat.
I straightened up the mess I made throughout the course of a few hours while I waited on his knock at my door.
No sooner than later I was hearing it. I opened the door, this time with no knots in my stomach like the last few times.
"Wassup?" He said
"Hey." I replied
"She just fell asleep so she should be asleep for some hours." I said
He nodded, "Good, anything else I need to know?" He asked as he picked up her car seat
I shrugged, "I'm sure you know everything needed to know by now. Drive safe!" I said
"Alright, I'll let you know when I get home."
I nodded, "Okay."
I watched as he buckled her car seat down and placed everything else in his trunk.
He waved goodbye before getting in his car and driving off.
I smiled to myself as I closed the door. It feels good to not be arguing every time he pops up. Well it's good while it's lasting—cause I know it won't last long.
I finished straightening up my mess and went upstairs to shower.
When I got out I got dressed in some house clothes and sat down to catch up on some shows, I'm such a TV head.
Kirk: I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow..dress to impress, it's a movie
8:01 PM
Of course 😊
8:02 PM
I'm kind of excited myself, I rarely go out. Before my pregnancy, during it and now—I'm just a home and work body, just the thought of going out feels good.
I sat my phone back down and finished engaging in the show I had playing.
By the end of the night I was on my second glass of wine and asleep on the couch.
Ria ✍🏽