Aspen
There was no light, not a speck of sunlight that passed through the thick curtains. Shifting, I winced at the pain between my legs. The soreness of last night or this morning, I couldn't quite make out how long ago we stopped. I only knew that Chris had let me rest when my moans were half rasped out.
God
I could feel the roughness of my throat, the heaviness my tongue felt. Tired, I was tired.
Vivid images filtered my mind, the way his hands had held me. Hips pushing me deep into the mattress over and over, lips closing around my skin but never my lips.
There was no kissed in fucking, that's what I realized. Then again there had been zero kisses between Chris and I since that drunken night. God I could still feel the burning of his lips, yearning for them. I had wanted this but I also wanted more, especially now. Chips of my heart were falling, yet I still held onto most of it. Convincing myself that I was still in control, that my heart was still mine.
Opening my eyes, I tried to make the outline of my surroundings. My hand moving across the space, trying to make out Chris's body. To touch it again, to have him close to me again. Yet my brows furrowed as I felt nothing but sheets, not a body near me. If it weren't for the pain between my legs, I could have wagered it was all a dream, a nice pleasant dream.
Sitting up right, I grasped the sheets that covered my body. It was instinct to do that, to cover myself even knowing that Chris had seen every part.
Turning, I reached for the lamp that I knew rested on the bed side table. My fingers flickering it on, squinting at the sudden brightness it brought to Chris's room.
Looking around, I leaned over to see if Chris was in the bathroom or closet, disappointment flickering as he was nowhere in sight. Still I called out for him, "Chris?"
Dead silence. Not even the running of water or light footstep. Hurt replaced that disappointment, my hands gripping the sheets tighter. There was no use fighting my own mind, knowing well that Chris had left. But I could fight those disturbing thoughts that crossed my mind. Did he regret last night?
It couldn't be, one time isn't enough. He had whispered roughly, his hips moving against mine. One time wasn't enough but why wasn't he here? I wanted him here, I needed him here. My heart ached not knowing where he was, or with who.
He couldn't have regretted last night, right? But why wasn't he here, next to me? Had I done something wrong? Was that normal? To leave?
I knew what we had was not normal, that this was far from affection. But deep down I had thought that it would have changed, that I could have him because lying would be a sin. I wanted Chris, all of him.
It was a sin to want him, to crave him. A sin because he was married to my mother, because he was old, because he... all those thoughts surrounded my head as I rose from the bed. The sheets flowed around me as I walked to my room, pushing the doors open until I reached my shower. The warm water cascading over me, relevaning some aching. Face twisting at the specks of blood that ran down my legs, the dried up blood.
Each raise was hell, my legs stiff and sore. Every movement was slow, my hands loose on my side as I just stood under the water. Washing away what I hoped wasn't a regretful night.
Drying as best as I could, I slipped on sweats and a tank top. My bare shoulders shivering as I stepped out into the cold kitchen. The very empty kitchen, the knot in my stomach sinking. Tears threatening to spill, where was he?
Had I done wrong? Had I been so infused in greed and lust that I failed to think with my head. That I had let my heart lead me, to plummet me into the spiraling, chaotic thinking of whether I was... my thoughts were interpreted by the opening and closing of the front door.
I stood still near the counter, my eyes trained on the entryway. Fingers pressing down on the cold marble, waiting. A surge of hope blasted through me, seeing Chris walk in with a grim expression.
Grey eyes snapped to me, flaring and settling on me. Assessing me slowly, darkening but glimmering. "You're awake," he confessed, his words a surprise.
I nodded, trying to hide the pain. "You were gone," I noted, my voice cracking.
His face twisted, lips turning down. "I'm sorry," he said, words laced with sincerity. That knot in my stomach loosening a bit, knowing that he hadn't left me because he regretted it. I could see it in his eyes, the burn that he didn't regret it.
"Last night- this morning. It was great. You were amazing." A second and those words sank into me, fluttering and soaring. Yet I knew there was more, the bag that had dangled from his fingers now resting on the counter. "I went out to get you this," Chris said tightly, my eyes raising at what lay inside.
Fingers slowly pulled out a box, my eyes snapping to the letters that were written on it. That didn't so much look like a gift but rather something else.
"Take it," Chris said, almost demanding. The box slid across to me skidding inches away from me. Why would I want a box? Especially one that small.
"What is it?" I asked, grazing the box with my fingers. Skimming over the words, one step, emergency contraceptive.
"A pill," he said simply. I looked up to see him looking down, almost ashamed. But why?
"For?" I didn't understand. One I was healthy. Two I hated pills, for some reason I could barely swallow them. Only could get them down if I chewed on them, but then the taste filled my mouth and made me gag.
I had spent years avoiding getting sick just so I wouldn't have to take pills, but now Chris was almost demanding me to take it.
"So you won't get pregnant." I pulled away from the box, as if it was burning me. The words he had said before dying and running away from me.
"I'm not taking that," I dead panned.
"You will."
"No," I said more loudly in case he couldn't hear me correctly before.
"Why?" Chris voice rose, grey eyes snapping at me, storming an anger.
Why? Why wouldn't I take that pill. There were several reasons I could shoot at him, many of which involved my own beliefs. As hard as one tried, you could never take away the religious belief that had tied itself to me.
"Because life is life. And if somehow life managed to make its way into me. I wouldn't want to stop it." I wouldn't. From early on I was told that it didn't matter the circumstances, if life bloomed inside of you. You needed to keep it and I agreed with it.
"You can't get pregnant," he snapped at me.
I couldn't? Why not? I wanted to ask. Did he know something I didn't? It was my body, my choice. Still I asked the most stupidest question I could. "Why?"
"Because you- because you can't-" he gestured to me- "How would you answer to people? Getting pregnant at 18? And from me? Huh? Your supposed guardian? My reputation will go down the drain if anyone finds out I fucked my dead wife's daughter. And mostly I will lose any sort of credibility I have. So take it," he pushed out.
All air left my lungs, those words. Amazing. Lies. Not nothing but distant words, words that just didn't mean anything. How could he be so vain? So prideful, so full of sins.
Reputation? Credibility? All he said was about him. His words were about him only, not about me. He wasn't thinking about me, nor what I felt. Then again I doubted he even cared how I felt, how I had fallen and now I was drowning.
Last night I was feeling high, and now I was scraping hell's floor. Anger and bitterness piled up in me, "No. You should have thought of that before you slept with me. And before you start. I know I was the one that started. But you knew I was a virgin. You knew, you are the adult here. You were supposed to take care."
I was wrong saying that, I knew I was also the adult here. That I was the one who asked for this, that wanted it. But Chris was older, he was supposed to know. He was supposed to tell me, to show me. And if he hadn't been in me for most of the night, we probably wouldn't be talking about this. I knew one time was slim, but he was in me more than one time.
Chris looked down, fingers gripping his hair. "Aspen you will take this," he said more forcefully. I flinched at the tone, goosebumps spreading across my skin.
"I will not," I yelled at him. In a flash Chris was standing mere inches from me, his hand holding my wrist. "Take it because if you get pregnant I will not take care of it."
It. A kid was a living person, not a mere object. A kid was sacred even if he was not wished upon. So many thoughts revolve around my head, swarming and gathering. My stomach coiling at his words, I was wrong. He felt nothing, not one ounce of remorse or sympathy. Cruel words told to me.
"Fine-" I ripped my hand from his hold, looking at him straight in the eyes- "We're done here. I'm pretty sure you covered everything."
Pushing past him, I climbed the stairs. The tears threatening to spill, my throat tight as I held onto them. So stupid, so reckless and naive. To think I could have made him fall, to think that this could be more. Foolish to think that Chris loved me, that this was not just lust but more.
Grabbing my phone I called Lilith, begging her to pick me up. To come as soon as possible, her voice was calm as she said she would be there in ten minutes tops. Grabbing my bag, I shoved clothes inside. Dotting on a hoodie as I closed the door behind me, my steps quick as I made my way down the stairs.
Reaching the landing, I saw Chris leaning against the couch. His head snapping up to see me stalking across the foyer, fingers pulling the door open. "Where are you going?" he called out, his footsteps behind me.
I stopped midway across the yard, seeing no car. Turning around I looked once over at him, at someone I had fallen for. "I'm going to let you think about what you just said."
He needed to think. He couldn't have meant his words. Didn't everyone want a kid?
Chris
Every relationship I had throughout my years had ended on good notes, had ended with mutual respect. We had an agreement, I had rules I didn't break.
Even when I married Esther, I respected her. I didn't sleep with her, after all our marriage was purely for convenience and because she asked me to take care of her daughter. Fuck if she knew what I was doing with her daughter, how I was treating her.
I wasn't that opposed to the idea of children, but now? Maybe in a few years, after marriage. I knew it would be a conflict to who I married, to deal with the lack of presence. To bring a child into a world where I could only spare a few hours? That wasn't one I wanted, nor wanted to give.
Aspen getting pregnant was- it couldn't be. She was an adult, but she was also half my age. She was also my ward, she was not supposed to ask me to do anything. I wasn't supposed to cave, to fall- to do anything. All the sort of credibility I had would be tarnished if she did get pregnant, if someone found out I slept with her.
I knew we both were to blame. Her for wanting this. And me for seeking more of it. For wanting her more than once. But damn she had felt so good, so warm and soft.
I knew she was a virgin. I knew she was naive about the world. I should have made her take the pill weeks ago because I knew at some point I would fuck her and when I did I had thought I would have stopped. But I couldn't stop, I didn't want to stop.
I didn't regret sleeping with her. Only not being careful. Not protecting myself. But I was her first, I was the only one.
Stupid.
I knew she was religious, I knew she had certain beliefs. Yet I ignored it all, I ignored her feeling. I fucked up. Looking down at the box, shame filled me, reminding me of what I said. Of what I did. Gripping it in my hands I threw it across the room.
So fucking stupid. How could I have told her that? How could I have done that to her knowing that she was pure as hell? Knowing that- fuck.
It had been a shame to have bought this. And now it just lay on the floor.
Favorite colour? Mine is dark blue, but not navy. A deep shade of blue that almost goes to be black.