"I–" I began but stopped, not even sure if I was even going to say anything.
Braxton looked at me encouragingly but he must have sensed something was wrong as he frowned at me next.
This was the moment I had waited for for days and yet I dreaded it the most now. My breaths came out in short gasps, amplified by the mic in my hands for every ear in the place to hear me panic.
Two painfully slow minutes passed. The crowd began to mumble among themselves, no doubt cracking jokes at my expense. My hands shook, my grip on the mic slipping.
"Julia?" Braxton asked concernedly. He must hate me for embarrassing him like this.
Suddenly there was an ear piercing pop and everyone including me flinched.
Park Geun stood grinning at the back, a mic pressed over a balloon which he had just popped. "Haha, got you all!" He laughed. "I love popping balloons!" He exclaimed and proceeded to pop many more.
Everyone covered their ears as the loud pop after pop assaulted their sensory organ.
"Geun!" Darius yelled. "Stop that shit."
"Make me!" He said, clearly having no intention of stopping anytime soon.
"Oh, I'll do that alright," Darius groaned, lunging at him without success as Geun took off.
He reached the system and the music started once again as he yelled, "Yeah! Let's party!"
Everyone seemingly had forgotten about me as people started dancing with me still standing frozen on the stage.
Geun caught my eye as he stopped running momentarily from Darius. "You okay?" He mouthed. I nodded. Then his face disappeared into the crowd.
Braxton rushed to me, taking the mic from my trembling hands and discarding it somewhere. Then he proceeded to take both my cold hands in his warm ones.
"Are you okay?" He asked, leaning in to ask.
I swallowed hard, rendered unable to form sentences.
"Come on," he said, tugging me into a secluded corner and off the stage.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked you to sing. God, what was I thinking? I didn't consider if you were comfortable singing in front of a crowd. I really am sorry for putting you in that position, Julia." He spoke soothingly, somehow making the situation better as he rubbed his hands up and down my arms which had gone cold.
I wanted to scream at him that it wasn't the case. I didn't have stage fright, at least not when it came to singing. I just didn't know what to sing after the songs I was most confident in singing were brutally robbed off of me.
"I just panicked. It's not your fault. Please don't apologize," I said quietly.
He didn't look convinced but before he could question me any further, someone called to him. Further pushing me into the dark corner so that no could see me, he told them he'd be there in a minute before turning back to me. "If this is a little overwhelming, you can go back to your room. I assure you no one with disturb. We'll talk about this later, okay?"
I nodded, wanting nothing but to escape tonight.
He gave me a small smile and raised his hand to caress the side of my head but then quickly retracted his hand as if he didn't mean to do that. My mind was too occupied to mull over his actions.
"I'll see you later. This party will be over in an hour or so."
I nodded again, just wanting to be left alone.
He left to attend to his friends and I made my way to my room, locking it behind me. Jade might be mad at me for abandoning her but her problems seemed far too small compared to mine.
I had a chance today to showcase my talent and I could've sung any song in the world but Ajax's unexpected actions really took a hit at my self confidence in singing. It felt like he hadn't just robbed me of my songs but also my voice.
I knew this was not good. I shouldn't have depended so much on those songs. I should've had a back up song prepared. I shouldn't have disappointed and humiliated Braxton like that on his birthday.
I didn't get to personally wish him or even give him his present. I felt bad and utterly useless, as if I had used him.
Left alone with my thoughts, they began to wander back to when people used to walk all over me and I kept quiet all the time. How I allowed them to bully me and treat me like trash. I had allowed that to happen again.
I had promised to respect myself from the moment I ran away! How could've I expected there to be better people around? I couldn't afford to make such mistakes. I needed to keep my guard up at all times, even around Braxton who I had started to trust. He hadn't done anything wrong by me but people are unpredictable. I didn't think I could trust anyone anymore.
But I had to stick to my promise to myself. I wasn't going to let anyone else walk over me again. Ajax had managed to do that tonight and I wasn't going to let him go without paying for what he did. However I understood I was in no position to get back at him.
No one would believe me if I told them he plagiarized my work. I was sure he was going to get signed up tomorrow, something that should be for me. There was only one way for him now and that was the way to success. I failed to see what obstacles he would encounter on his way up. It was all going to be smooth sailing for him.
That was why I must wait. I didn't have the resources or anything that can ensure his fall. Besides, the more successful he became the more harder it would be for him to stomach losing when I will finally come to teach him a lesson. The more he'll rise, the harsher the fall.
Taking deep breaths, I calmed myself. I couldn't do anything right now. I had to go on as if nothing happened, watch Ajax get everything I had dreamed of and witness him getting a following with lots of people liking his work which was obvious because of the strong agency that would back him.
Before I realized I was standing in the bathroom, a hand on the medicine cabinet. I didn't know why I had walked there or why I was about to open it but I did nonetheless.
The moment I opened the cabinet it became clear. My mind subconsciously had led me to a blade in there. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly. I used to cut myself only when I was bullied. I didn't want to hurt myself unnecessarily so I had come up with a way to relieve my emotional and mental pain by turning it into physical pain by cutting every time there was an unpleasant encounter with Maira and her gang of four or Dan or...Hunter, only when I encountered them.
But tonight was nothing different. I had been bullied by Ajax. He gave me a similar pain like my past bullies. To relieve it, I had to cut myself.
I really didn't want to do this to myself. I was doing so good for the past months. If I cut myself, all this effort I had put into healing myself physically, mentally and emotionally would be for nothing. But I couldn't help it, couldn't help myself.
I clutched it tightly in my hand, the sharp steel instantly sinking into my skin and I relished in the familiar pain. I brought the blade to my arm and traced a previous scar, the length running shorter than I last remembered it to be which was surprising because the scars should forever be embedded into my skin. It took me a few moments to find a patch of skin which wasn't already scarred.
I hesitated a moment but then remembered that I needed to do it for every time that I was upset because of other people. With that final push, I pierced it into my skin almost eagerly and gasped out at the sharp stings of pain but then relaxed as I instantly became accustomed to that degree of pain. I remember to have experienced worse.
When it was over, I let out a breath and ran the blade under water, riding it of the blood which coated its every surface. I was tempted to make another cut but taking a look at my current cut, I forced myself to put away the blade. My freshly made cut ran almost five centimeters long, going deep at a few points. Blood was pouring out of the cut. I took out some toilet paper and dabbed it over the wound causing it to soak up the red in no time at all.
I slid down to the bathroom floor, resting my head on the tiled wall behind me. My eyes closed of their own accord, my only focus being my songs.
I slipped in and out of consciousness until there was a knock on my door.
"Julia?" Braxton asked concernedly.
My eyes flew open to hear him so close. He was in my room.
"Yes?" I croaked out.
"You didn't answer your door so I had to let myself in your room. You okay in there?"
"Yes." I answered, a little disoriented and lightheaded.
I looked down and to my horror there was a small puddle of blood on the floor around my hand. Blood was still flowing out of my cut.
"Can I come in to check on you?" He asked, further panicking me.
"No! I–I'm taking a shower," I said and turned the shower on to prove my point. "And I forgot to take new clothes to change into. Can you wait outside my room for a few minutes. I'll be fine soon."
"Oh, okay. I'll wait outside. Take your time."
I heard his footsteps retreat and I sighed in relief. It would've been a disaster if he had seen this. I could've been kicked out. No one would want to house an emotionally unstable person with mental issues.
Cleaning up the floor until it was as spotless as before, I tightly tied a cloth over my wound which was still leaking blood. I just hoped it wouldn't soak through at least until I was done talking to Braxton.
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