The street was empty. thankfully. none of the street lights did their job either. the place was heaven. my headache remained only dull but it prevented any thoughts of earlier from exiting my head, like some prison.
I was confident in my self. I knew I was right. I knew that I wasn't who they said i was. but proving that was becoming harder and harder. But then mention of my father was like some sick joke, it made me physically nauseated, so much so i threw up in a nearby drain.
i tried desperately not to think about it, but my heart kept beating. It pounded against my chest. a constant reminder that I'm alive. i hate it.
i drew my jacket closer around myself. the sun was far below the houses, the sky was now a dark red. maybe I could stay out here and slowly freeze to death, a much better option that going home. i looked at my phone, a sad feeling in my stomach. the last time I had checked it , no calls. no messages. it only made me stay out longer. but now, as I stared at the screen, it seemed an hour was all the members needed.
7 missed calls from Jin
12 missed calls from hoseok
5 missed calls from Jimin
5 messages from Jimin
Jimin
Jin-hyung wants you to come home
Jisung.
Please
I'm sorry
I think yoongi was just mad
you mean mental?
I was worrying them to much. Its not worth being out here i slowly walked back. my legs didn't seem to want to leave the alleyway I had settled in.
-
I was crouched beside the door at the door, my head resting in my hands. i felt like was gonna throw up again. i pressed the palms of my hands into my eyes. desperately trying to think of some last-minute explanations and apologies. The stars looked like colourful lights appeared as i pressed harder. i cant cry now. I've held it in for this long i can go another hour.
the door suddenly opened and my heart dropped. it had finally stopped. i looked up, wanting to know who had disturbed my moment of concentration. my vision still swirled with colour but through the blur i could make out the broad shoulders and fluffy hair that was seokjin.
"Thank god" he whispered as he looked down at me. i awkwardly stared at my hands again. was he happy in seeing me?
i assume everyone would be on eggshells around me. either to angry or to upset. i expect to be ignored.
I'm terrified of jins reaction. i don't think i can even look him in the eye again. he must have almost felt lied to.
i sound so guilty even though i did nothing wrong. or did i?
"Jisung" he said his voice was unreadable. my eyes still remained unblinking on the ground in front of me, my hands balled into fists. I was terrified. i couldn't move. "jisung." he said again, this time he crouched down,
"Jin." i said simply, as if i wasn't purposefully ignoring his gaze. I wanted to hold it, i really did. But he could tell i was upset he could tell i was uncomfortable and i hate that. i hate that I'm showing emotion. a weakness again.
He didn't say anything, he took my arm, dragging me up and into the dorm. by the way he was dragging me i could tell he was angry.
"I'm sorry" I said over and over, i could feel my eyes start to burn as i kept preparing for it, for him to yell. my voice cracking. he only dragged me harder as we got further into the house. my head was pointed to the floor. i didn't want to make eye contact with anyone.
i didn't know who was in the living room or the kitchen and didn't want to know. i could feel a dull ache in my throat as i tried to stop myself from crying. his grasp tightened around my arm as we walked past someone. i didn't recognise their slippers.
finally we reached my room, what seemed to be the longest walk of my life. i expected him to throw my wrist away from him, as if he was disgusted. but he didnt
he moved his grasp to my hand. i finally looked up, only for a second. his eyes were soft and his gaze held sympathy. i looked back down at the floor. i don't deserve it. I don't NEED it.
Withing warning, I was being pulled into a hug. he was strong so if i wanted to escape i couldn't. stopping myself from crying was becoming increasingly more difficult the tighter he held onto me. my eyes soon broke.
"I'm sorry" i said again.
He pulled away to sit me down on my bed. I hated the loss of warmth. It was like if he wasn't close to me, the reassurance and love he was giving was halved.
He tried to hold my hands but i wasn't having it. I stared up at him, gently tugging him closer.
Jins pov ⋆
He seemed to hate being in my grasp so i was confused as to why he kept pulling me closer.
'im sorry' was all he kept repeating. Would someone innocent say that? Not like its a crime to need defend yourself.
However much jungkook thought it was.
What happened earlier was unfair.
When jisung had left everyone was silent ever staring at the door or yoongi.
They didn't give him a chance to speak.
I finally under stood what he was doing. He had been pulling me to sit down, his eyes pleading. So i sat next to him, my gaze remaining soft.
"Jisung, tell me what really happened?" I said quietly.
He hesitated. He was trying to catch his breath so he could form a sentence. Tears now covered his cheeks.
"Jungkook misunderstood. " jisung said, his hands shaking.
"I know." I said simply.
"I was on the phone to my brother and he's worried about money and I keep telling him not to. He was to upset." Jisung hiccuped into my chest.
"I-i thought about getting him a dog, to take his mind off things" he said whispered.
"Jisung, why is he worried about money?" I said confused, the thought had come into my head, and i was confused. Jisung is the eldest, why should a kid be worrying? And if what yoongi said was true...?
he didn't answer, he was to busy in trying to calm down, wiping his eyes and trying to look normal. a convenient way of avoiding the question. i won't deny that when he truly wants to he's amazing at avoiding questions. however i let him. he can tell me anytime.
"Why are you always nice to me?" Jisung was so quiet, i think he was wishing i didn't hear him. i frowned. everyone deserves respect.
He wasn't rude. he was cautious. when i first laid eyes upon him i actually felt a bit of pity. i could practically feel the glare some of the members were giving him. yet those glares werent personal. they didnt know him. he was a stranger. and the fact he was a stranger was a threat to them. i felt pity because i saw the pure terror in his eyes.
he wasnt a threat to me.
all the traits of a anxious nine-teen year old that had no ulterior motive. But from his perspective, he seemed to feel like he didn't deserve basic kindness.
"because you were pretty" i laughed, jokingly . telling him the full reason would only make him cry again. he let out a febal laugh, still wiping his eyes.
I looked around the room as we sat in comfortable silence. his cd shelf was neatly organised. it was a small collection but extremely well organised.
i dont want to hear yoongi say that music isnt his passion.
His room was strange. For a room that hadn't been lived in for very long it looked like he'd lived here longer than the rest of us. There was one family photo on his desk. It was of a smaller jisung, and what i presumed were his brothers. then two other faces who were definietly his parents. jisung clearly had taken after both of them. his eyes belonged to his father while his smile his mothers.
The whole time here, jisung had barely mentioned his parents. i even thought we would see them. His mother he mentioned once or twice/ but his father he never mentioned up until today.
Namjoon once asked him a question about his father, as it had popped in conversation. Jisung had ignored the question.
Clearly a sensitive topic, especially after today.
after a few minutes, i looked down at him and realised he was asleep. I smiled to myself as he let out a little sigh in his sleep, still feeling the effects from crying.
I lifted him before setting him down carefully on his bed. He rolled into a ball. I smiled again before turning off the light leaving the room.
I was still smiling in the living room. Taehyung was sitting on his phone on the sofa. I wanted to know if how the rest of the members felt about jisung, i didn't want him to be at square one.
I was just about to open my mouth before taehyung looked up, trying to act casual when he asked "hows jisung" he said it in such a way that i think that he had been waiting for hours. Which he had.
"He's...okay." I didn't know what to say. Was he okay? would he be?
"Are you sure?" He kept his eyes on mine, searching my gaze for lies.
I nodded before saying "I presume you don't believe yoongi at all?" i now searched him for any untruth.
Taehyungs eyes widened "no." he said it with such force id be an idiot not believe him. he then got up and walked to his room.
while i saw no lies, i felt like he was hiding something. from all the years ive known him i can see that theres something hes not telling me.
I sighed. I was relieved Jimin and taehyung seemed to not have been swayed. Namjoon and i had spoken to earlier, and he had told me he felt guilty for just standing there. i think we all did.
my only worry now was hoseok. i havent seen him since. he had not yet returned home. i had a horrible feeling that jisung was the reason why.
in the short while that they have known each other they went from not even knowing each others names to sharing almost every waking hour by each other side.
Hoseoks pov ⋆
i eventually had to force myself to walk back to the dorms. it was dark. the number of cars driving past was slowly diminishing. everyone else was going home. i guess i should too.
I really wanted to sleep but i had to keep walking the only thing driving me was to see if jisung was home. but then what? was i going to talk to him? was he going to even look me in the eye?
Why was he here? I mean i get it, no one does anyone for free. I just thought that there would be more to it than that. i thought jisung was less materialistic.
Do I expect to much? are my standards to high? my mind was constantly being plagued with questions that were becoming more and more unanswerable. my stomach twisted with every thought.
i took the long way home by accident. i was too preoccupied and wasn't paying attention to the direction i was heading. this direction had an unusual amount of stay cats. it made me feel quite unsafe. for some reason, they all glared at me, like i had committed a great wrong.
the set of the cats reminded me of jisung. there i am, thinking about him again.
Jungkook and yoongi didn't like him anyway, and jungkooks was probably jealous of him. that's what we all concluded. so why should we listen to them?
I opened the door to the dorms, sighing as i turned to close it. The time was about 6 and jungkook was sitting at the breakfast bar eating toast with chocolate spread.
Jungkook sat there very contented eating his toast, he seemed pleased with himself and extremely satisfied, and i knew it wasn't just about bread...
He got up to make another serving. I was now leaning on the door frame, watching him stare avidly at the toaster. it was like watching your sims going about their day. not a thought behind their eyes and no clue that they were being watched.
He sat down with a small grin on his face.
As he sank his bunny teeth into the toast he stopped and looked towards the entrance to the hallway. I looked over to, wondering what startled the boy in his tracks.
Jin was standing there, just like myself, leaning against a door frame. He stared at jungkook expectedly, eyebrow raised and awaiting an answer, not yet had he voiced a question, we all knew what he was asking.
"How many?" Jin asked looking at him knowingly. Jungkook gulped and swallowed his mouthful.
"three" he said quietly putting up two fingers.
"Lair!" I exclaimed from my corner. They both jumped as if they didn't know i was there when i was practically directly opposite them.
"You had at least 5 and that's since I've been here" i said pointing a finger at him. He stood there, his face smudged with chocolate.
Jin walked over to the bread basket and took out the bread. Only the 2 end slices remained. I could sense it coming, running off to my room thinking about sleep. jin had brought the bread yesterday.
As i speed walked over to my room i noticed jisungs room ajar. I peeped in and it was dim, but i could make out him sprawled out in a starfish.
I pushed open the door slipping inside. Upon closer inspection, his sleep didn't look very peaceful.
"Jiji" I whispered sitting down on his bed.
He didn't respond. I took his hand and wrapped it in mine. To my shock, he squeezed it.
"Jisung" i whispered slightly more concerned.
I put a hand on his forehead, he was boiling.
I had to wake him up, i didn't want to but the more he continued sleeping the more in pain he looked.
"Jisung" i shook him, softy. He opened his eyes wide.
He gasped and looked around the room.
"Hoseok?"" He whispered still clutching my hand.
He was acting so strange, did he normally sleep like this?
"Its okay" i stroked his hair. His eyes went wide when he realised it was me
"I'm sorry I'm really sorry" he put his head in his hands, tugging his hair.
"Hey hey," i swatted his hands away holding onto his face.
"What are you sorry for?" I whispered looking at his eyes.
"Today. I swear, its-" he rambled. I sighed. He was hung up about it.
"Jisung i don't care why you're here" i dropped my hands and looked around the room. It hurt. it hurt finding he wasn't how i envisioned him. that sounds so sick and twisted.
i hated myself for even thinking it. but it was true. what if i had been too quick to trust him. to trust that he was a good person.
"No. Hoseok, you-" he looked panicked. Maybe yoongi had a point.
I sighed getting up, turning my back to him. " i don't care jisung." i was so tired. he was just saying the same things over and again. begging for sympathy. it was sickening.
he stopped. the absence of his voice made me realise how quiet the room was. my thoughts were the only thing i could hear. it was so quiet, i thought he had left the room.
"get out" he said quietly. it was so faint i wondered if he had even said it at all. but when i turned around, i had no doubts. he was staring up at me, a look, something id liken to one of betrayal. but the more i stared back, the more i realised he was looking at me in utter disgust. like something inside him had snapped. his eyes were no longer shiny, they were unrecognisable.
when i hadn't moved he said it again, this time with more venom. "get out"
i couldn't move, i was staring at him like this was the first time i had ever seen him. he stood up, his hair fell forward, breaking our eye contact. "if you don't care, then fuck off"
"if you don't even want to LISTEN TO ME-" he now looked at me again, the eyes again, unrecognisable. "then i won't talk. why should i waste my breath on you? you wouldn't even believe me-" his voice was getting louder and louder.
"jisung-" was all i could choke out.
"don't jisung me." he spat. "i cant stand you."
I gulped. I realised one of the things he was mad about. Not listening. Guilt jabbed at my chest. I knew what it was like to not be listened to. to not even be taken seriously. he pushed past me , disappearing into the hallway.
I left his room. I gritted my teeth as i walked through the living room my eyes focusing on the door.
Then yoongi came into view. He was simply standing there.
He greeted me simply before going off to his room.
Kang jisung, who was always so quiet, had finally snapped. just like how jin said he would.
jisung who yoongi has once described as a coward. had just snapped. this wasn't the final straw, by the looks of him he had had that years ago.
that rage he had was always there and i suddenly realized how we had taken his quietness for granted.
Jisungs pov ⋆
I left hoseok in my room. I was going to give him a few seconds to leave, but something came over me, and i couldn't bear to be in my room anymore. I felt sick. completely angry. i could of strangled him. i found this funny, maybe that's how the guy in my last group felt.
I bent down to look at my plants. They had grown a bit and it was just a matter of picking bugs off and watering.
Why was no one letting me finish my sentence? What was wrong in letting me speak?
⋆
Hoseoks words carried over to dinner, that was awkward enough as yoongi was sitting across from me.
however many times i would ask jin to eat somewhere else, he told me it would be more awkward if i wasn't there.
Hoseok himself glanced at me a few times though out dinner but said nothing. Jin was in a very good mood and was talking to me and the most at the table.
The air still had tension in it however as Jimin was glaring daggers at yoongi and taehyung was ignoring jungkook, which i feared would turn sour, as jungkook craved taehyungs attention, not in a bad way but he loved taehyung dearly, so when jungkook kicked tae under the table, taehyung snapped at him. Jungkook huffed, taking a bite out of pizza. I quickly finished not wanting to get glared at by jungkook. I was running off to the kitchen to wash my plate.
I lay in my bed utterly exhausted, thinking about today made my head hurt.
a/n: this chapter is to damn long