Juice was sitting at the bar, staring into a glass of whisky. Twice, he already shoved away a pushy Croweater. As he noticed another movement from his periphery, he was about to snap again; until he saw that it was Chibs who sat down on the barstool and asked the prospect for a drink.
"Everythin' all right, Juicy-boy? Got trouble in paradise?"
Huffing, Juice took a sip. The liquor burned pleasantly in his throat. Right now, he would call his life anything but a paradise, even though he was in a relationship that felt real for the first time in his life. Maybe that was the problem. Whenever he was with Raine, his sorrows drifted to the background. All that mattered at these moments were Raine and him. But now it had been a few days since he had seen his boyfriend, he felt lonely. A chasm had opened up between him and his brothers. Perhaps, it had already started when he was keeping his relationship from them, but things had definitely become worse since the truth came out. Taking Raine to the clubhouse hadn't made things better either. Nobody talked about it, but he felt their distrust every day. They rather hung out with someone else. Or had it always been that way?
His eyes briefly met Chibs'. What could he say? That he no longer felt at home around here? That he'd felt more like 'one of the guys' when he was only a prospect?
"Raine and I are fine," he answered eventually. He stared at his glass again. Could he be honest or not? Chibs had been his sponsor. He had always been a good listener; he had even kept his secret about Raine. "Everything feels just... different since we came out."
Sighing, Chibs ran a hand across his face. "You knew that beforehand, kid."
"I know. But that doesn't make things easier."
Chibs stayed silent. Right when Juice wanted to get up because the silence was suffocating him, the man started to speak again: "He's a good guy. I know you have the feeling that the floor beneath your feet can collapse any moment. If he gives ye the stability ye need, you gotta go for it. I'd love to have ye around in the club, but I also know ye find it hard to deal with the stress tha comes with this life. If he gives ye peace in yer head, if he can give ye a life that suits ye better than this, I'll support ye. And I know most of us will, even if they fail to say it out loud."
A small smile crossed Juice's lips. He wasn't sure any of his other brothers shared Chibs' opinion, but Chibs' view was more important to him than anyone else's. "Thanks man."
. . .
The day after his conversation with Chibs, Raine sent him a text, asking him if he was at home tonight. Juice answered immediately. Actually, he'd promised Mouse to go with her to the gym, but she didn't want to hear any excuses.
"You two have to cherish your moments together. Especially as long as your clubs devour most of your time." She gave him a wink.
Juice smiled. Even though their clubs demanded a lot of their time, he didn't plan to wait to spend more time with Raine until they'd left their clubs. He'd secretly looked at some engagement rings and he'd searched for affordable houses between Charming and Oakland. There would be many days in which one of them would be away from home, but they would still share a place and they would be able to spend much more time than the few hours they managed to see each other now.
When the doorbell rang, Juice jumped up. His heart still skipped a beat at the prospect to see Raine and he had to keep himself from running to the door, knowing Mouse would laugh at him if he did so.
"Hey!" he said with a warm smile as he opened the door.
The smile died away as he caught Raine's glance. His heart froze. Something was wrong; it was written all over his face. Raine refused to look him in the eye and his shoulders were slumped. Juice pursed his lips so he wouldn't ask questions and held the door open. Without looking at him, Raine stepped inside. He didn't even make a move to take off his jacket.
Hesitating, Juice laid a hand on his lower back as he stepped closer. "Are you okay?"
"No." Raine's voice was trembling. "I — I gotta tell you something."
Juice took a deep breath. Stay calm. Stay calm. "Okay," he murmured.
He didn't dare to take Raine's hand. Nervously he glanced at Mouse, who lowered her crochet with a worried look on her face. She studied them for a moment before she stood up quietly and slipped into her bedroom so Raine and he could talk at the table or on the couch. He chose the sofa, even though Raine hadn't touched him at all. He wondered if he was stuck in his own little world or if his distance had something to do with him.
"You want something to drink?" Juice suggested as Raine sat down next to him.
"No, thanks."
He sounded hoarse as if he hadn't drunk in hours. Anxiously, Juice waited until he started to talk.
"I don't know how to tell you this," Raine started eventually. He bent his head. His fingers were shaking. Juice wanted to take his hands in his, but Raine pulled away.
A crack shot through his heart. "What's — what's going on?"
Had Raine come to break up with him? Did he no longer love him? Suddenly, it felt like the walls were closing in. His breathing blared in his ears. Raine didn't try to calm him down; he didn't even seem to notice.
"I slept with someone else."
With a bang, the walls crashed against him. The pain was merciless.
"W-what?" he heard himself stammer.
He stared in disbelief at his boyfriend. How was that possible? Why would he do that? Was it — was it because they hadn't done it yet? But it had been Raine who suggested to wait. If he — if he had known Raine wanted to have sex so badly that he would go to someone else, then...
"Esai wanted to hang out yesterday. We played some hoops and in the end, he convinced me to go to the clubhouse. I had some beers — well, more than some. I don't remember anything, but I — I woke up next to a girl." A tear slipped down his cheek. Excruciatingly slowly. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't — I don't understand how I could have done this."
Juice wasn't able to utter a single word. All he heard was a noise in his head. He could barely breathe, no matter how many gulps of air he sucked in.
It was a lie. Raine would never... He would never...
He bent forward, holding his head in his hands, his fingernails pressing deep in his scalp.
Suddenly, everything collapsed. The life he'd wanted to exchange for the club life, it was all gone. Through a blur of tears, he looked at Raine, or at least that was what he was trying.
He couldn't see a damn thing.
Was it — was it over now?
A slipup could happen. But Raine and him — he'd thought it was something special, something unique. It never crossed his mind to jump into bed with someone else.
"Do you want me to go?" Raine asked quietly. "I — I don't know what more I can say. I barely realize it myself. I... I just woke up next to her and... I'm so sorry, Juice."
"Why didn't you tell me you couldn't live without sex any longer?" asked Juice and he wiped his eyes. "If I knew that... that you..."
"It's not like that," Raine answered in a defeated voice. "I was so drunk that I had no idea what I was doing. And I know it's not an excuse — but it's not like I couldn't keep it in my pants any longer. Since I fell in love with you, I never cared about anyone else."
"Yeah, I can see that," Juice answered bitterly.
Raine bent his head. There were a few spots on his jeans, coming from his tears.
What should he do now? Forgive him? He didn't want to lose Raine, but he neither wanted to be with someone who cheated on him. He had wanted to give up everything for Raine. And Raine... Raine couldn't even be faithful.
"I'm sorry," Raine said once more. "I — I think I should go."
Juice shrugged. All of this was so unexpected. He didn't know what to think, what to feel. He wanted to hide under the blankets like a little child, pretending this had never happened.
He had no idea if Raine said anything else; he didn't notice him leaving until the door fell shut. Only then, the tears leaked down his cheeks, although he couldn't fully comprehend that he had really lost Raine.
He didn't move when two arms slipped around him.
"What happened, baby?"
At the sound of Skye's calm voice, he melted into her embrace. His shoulders started to shake. "He — he cheated on me, Mouse," he whispered. "So — so it's over."
His voice was shaking. His whole body was shaking.
"Oh baby..." She tightened her arms around him. "How is that possible?"
"I don't know," he sobbed. "I don't know anything anymore. Everything... Everything just falls apart."
___
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