my morning started just as interesting as the last one.
"Wheres hoseok?" I asked jin after having the feeling i hadn't seen him in days.
"apparently still at the studio", he had a frown on his face. it didn't suit him. he turned away from me as he placed a dry bowl on the counter. "which reminds me" he turned back around with a bag and a pleading look in his eyes.
"you haven't been out in a while, have you?" he smiled. he was being sweet, but it was a hidden dig.
"take this to hoseok" he held the bag out towards me.
"okay" i didnt question him, i just did as he said.
"Thank you jisung" he smiled back, thankful. "make sure he eats it. fight him if you have to."
-
I decided to walk as it wasn't far. maybe 20 minutes. the fans were crowding around the entrance, so i didn't take my time when trying to get in, i didn't want to be crushed.
I wondered the building for the dance studio finally finding it. As I walked in the first thing I noticed how loud the music was.
"Hoseok?" I called out trying to yell over the music. Hoseok must of seen me in the mirror. "Oh hello" he said. it wasn't as sweet as usual. he has large bags under his eyes, and his hair stood on end.
"Jin made you some food" i yelled, gesturing to the bag in my hand. he didn't seem to hear me, but understood what the bag held.
"Alright." he shrugged, turning away acting as if i wasn't there. i groaned. hes being petty about something.
"you think you should take a break?" i stood in front of him, so he couldn't really look away. his face remained unchanged. in the light, his face shone with sweat. his eyes were red as if he had been rubbing them over, maybe crying.
"hyung." i whispered, not liking seeing im in such a mess. "You need to eat" i smiled, but it felt more forced this time. i tried to get him to look me in the eye. "jin made it."
"later" exhaustion was so poorly covered up in his voice. he must of thought i was stupid, or something close to it.
"you've been here hours" my voice trailed away. i suddenly resented jin. why couldn't he send someone else? i clearly don't know how to get him to listen.
"I know what you're doing and ill eat later" he snapped. and he suddenly turned and looked me in the eye. it was actually a bit jarring, having him stare at me with a facial expression i didnt recognise.
"what am i doing?" i questioned , not sure by what he meant.
"When i get this perfect, ill eat." he ignored my question and forced the bag into my chest, almost knocking me over. at his words i couldnt help but laugh, a mistake despite my awkward tone.
"you'll never get perfection like that" i said a grin slid onto my face. "i doesnt work like that. no matter how much you push the universe wont let you. don't punish yourself because you cant achieve the impossible"
"oh your clever." his voice dripped with sarcasm. he leaned down as if was talking to a child.
"how noble of you jisung" now had now taken his attention away from the music that was still blaring, but now it seemed it was muffled. hoseoks voice only got clearer. only because he was shouting. "
"all im saying is that you need to take a break" i was only repeating what i had been told. however getting worked up over things that really don't matter is my specialty.
"i know how good you can be."
"you've only been here a week i dont know what you could know about me" he turned away, but i could still see his face in the mirror.
"A month actually" i frowned, i felt anxiety claw at my chest, it was becoming more and more consuming. suffercating. i glared at his eyes through the mirror.
he ignored this and turned the music off. and now the silence.
"i think you should take a bit of time." it was easier to say in the mirror.
"can you do me a favour and shut up?" hoseok yelled. kicking the mirror in frustration.
"stop pretending to care" he finally yelled.
"dont fucking yell at me, god, youre so ungrateful" i spat, finally loosing my lid
" i won't care then" I snapped. i dropped the food down, and kicked it into a corner. "starve, live in misery, die. ill get lost. leave little jung hoseok to his self destruction."
He was silent. his eyes followed my hands as they ran through my hair. he swallowed.
i stopped and let the silence fill up his ears before i spoke again, this time more softly.
"I know that's not you whos talking. i thought you were nicer than that"
He looked a little shocked, but still opened his mouth "Oh you know do you, oh come on what do you know? tell me, seeing you've been here a month what do you know?" "if you're so smart, tell me?"
I closed my eyes, my body was shaking. "then are you this horrible to everyone? i pitty the members for living with you for this long" i spat.
"You're not going to reach them standards like this. not by being such a cunt about things"
Hoseok was silent. I had finally shut him up. done the world a favour.
The memorise of him shouting were still almost burnt into my head. I wiped my eyes, just incase i cried without my knowledge.
Finally someone i had felt safe with and i had ruined it already. I hate myself. cant have anything nice.
You can't make everyone happy.
I walked back to the dorms our argument still crammed into my head. It was giving me a headache. it took so much space in my brain, i dont think it would ever be possible to think of anything else again.
i took the lift. i hope ill get stuck so i don't have to return.
"What's up with you?" Jungkook asked as I quickly ran past. I snickered. "Don't talk to me" i said trying my best to ignore him and not to cry. i dont want to break the world record on the amount of arguments i have in a day.
i switched my light off and flung myself on my bed. i hope my ribs break one day.
my head is so loud. it was like a constant rushing in my ears. the sound a train makes when i rushes past you. i must have thought of everything under the sun. my heart felt like it would never calm down.
it was like someone was flicking through the channels on the tv, i constantly heard snipits of my argument. over and over. or like someone was playing five songs at once.
The rattle of the door caught my attention. a draft. It continued. Jungkook must have opened a window again. It only got louder.
I cursed again. "That kid" i muttered to myself putting my chair against it and putting my earphones in. I curled up.
the thought of hoseok made me sick. the thought of him only made me angry. i think if i seen him again id hit him. under all the anger was the sadness m which always lasts longer. i sniffled. dont you dare cry.
Everything is being played at full speed. I just want someone i can talk to without fear of rejection
I hoped hoseok would of been that person.
I just wanted the members to respect me at least.
Pain in my head appeared again. Like it always does. so my night began.
The feeling that my head was splitting never felt old. agony.
Even without light, it felt like someone was hitting my head repeatedly. tears were now the least of my worries. the pain was becoming worse every minute.
Throbbing. sometimes i cant help but think i deserve it.
I scrambled around in my bag beside my bed to see i had anything to stop it. but the bottle was empty.
Rage, pain and disappointment all came together at that point , so i threw it across the room.
"fucking hell."
I decided it was time to face it and get more medicine.
i rolled over sitting up grabbing my sunglasses putting them on and leaving the room.
The walk to the pharmacy was far. To far. I hated every step. i forgot my earphones so i had to walk in silence. who wanted me to suffer today. im being dramatic i know.
I had spotted many cats along the way and petted all of them, not wanting any of them to feel left out,
i found the pharmacy, i squinted the entire time i was there, the lights hurting my head
I grabbed a bottle off the shelf, hoping it was the right one as i couldnt see what i was buying.
I sat outside in a dark corner in an alleyway, hoping to ruin someone's night by scaring the shit out of them.
I took 2 tablets and drank them with sprite. I continued to sit and eat some of what i brought. I rested my head against the wall.
In the corner of my eye, i noticed a figure skating up the ally way. They had there hood up and looked like a drug dealer.
If he offers drugs say no politely. but if he offers again ill say yes, i fold easy.
I tried to be as small as possible, tucking my legs in. But this person is unfortunate and tripped with their skateboard, sending them flying.
"Shit" they yelled in English.
It was comical and i just had to laugh, they looked like a turtle.
"You just gonna stand there and laugh??" They yelled still on their back.
"Oh sorry" i said still laughing holding out my hand.
"Thanks" he smiled. His knees were bleeding.
"damn look at your knees" i said looking down at the cuts.
"I mean i get it you flew" i laughed to myself
"You're so rude" the stranger whined.
"I'm sorry, but it was funny, look ill help you with the cuts. You're lucky i went shopping. I softly grabbed their arm in the darkness steering the around to sit on the curb.
"I can't really see, can u use your phone light please" i said going through my bag. I brought a first aid kit because i cut myself a lot on my hands and knees doing anything. The person put on their phone light shining on his bloody knees.
I cleaned them up as delicately as i could, but he kept squirming around like an idiot whenever the alcohol touched him.
"Thank you" he said. "What's your name?" He whispered to me in the dark shining a light on my face. bright idea.
"ouch dickhead-" i said the light hurting my eyes.
"Sorry!" They panicked.
"Why are u wearing sunglasses in the dark?" He questioned.
"personal question" I pulled a face and avoided their eyecontact, cleaning the lenses as something to do.
"You look familiar" he stared at me in what little light we shared. it was lucky it was so dark that he couldnt see my face going red with shame as he stared at me so intently.
"Oh! You're jisung that new dude in BTS?" He said shocked. i snickered, wiping my eyes to make sure all last few hours of crying were not evident.
"Yeah im the new dude, you look familiar too" i said staring at him. He looked like someone i know, or have seen recently.
"I mean I just debuted in a group to-" he started, but i choked back tears and interrupted him-
"You're youngk- from day6!" my hand flew to my mouth in surprise. the fact that i had tripped up the bassist of day6 made me proud but also more guilty
"Yeah! Do you listen to us?" He looked more excited than i did, his mouth broke into smile that showed his teeth. his eyes somehow looked more beautiful in the lack of light.
"Yes! I love your music! Youre so good, your voice- its so powerful- also bass- !" I rambled, afraid that if i spoke to slow he would leave at any moment.
"Thanks- From what I've seen you're not to bad yourself" he said bashfully, trying to hide himself in his coat.
"Do you speak English?" i had heard him in interviews speak some English, so i was excited by the prospect of another English speaker. He nodded the same excitement, his hair flopping about his head.
"Wow really!"
"So I take it you do to?" He questioned. i nodded. in the space of our five minutes, we had gotten so close our noses were almost touching. we must share the same habit. instead of making it awkward, like i usually do, younghyun took my cheeks and squished them. "youre so cool" he cackled.
We sat for what felt like an hour, maybe more, conversing. he went on about his bass and how he had been practising for years. and how happy he was to debut. i couldnt but feel a little bit envious as playing instruments that were like that looked so fun, but my hands never cooperated.
"I must be getting going" he said. "Here" he grapped my hand and pulled a pen out from his pocket. he started neatly writing down his number, his tongue stuck out in concentration. "youres really cool. im glad i memorised my number." he grinned again.
that damn smile that in years to come i would adore.
that youngk smile.
-
I opened the door, i knew it would be no good sleeping, I just knew.
I went back to my room and did the same thing as I did before. I wanted to write some songs as i felt in the mood, the noise in my head had mostly stopped their hourly replay. i figured i should do some work. get it over and done with. i moved the chair back infront of the door and jumped on my bed.
silence.
(a/n: im editing this and i forgot this mf used to wear sunglasses )