I groan and rub my eyes as I saw it was seven o'clock in the morning. I never thought I fell asleep after staying up all night.
When I move my chair sideways, my antidepressant pill bottle falls down rolling against the table. I pick it up and put it in a drawer. I shake the cursor on my laptop. The dark screen turns into a Facebook page.
Since receiving a brief reply from Felicia Jones, I decided to read all the histories of her social media links. Unmitigated, I followed a number of people who were seen in the vortex of friendship with her.
I studied her life.
My efforts to get rid of Oliver from my head were not entirely successful. Every now and then he appeared in my head. I get rid of him by making myself busy whether with school assignments, studying the task from Yvonne Philips, or the most time-consuming is stalking Felicia Jones.
I haven't heard anything from A.D or big boss for several days since the night at the hotel, or since someone ran me off the road.
Could that be a good sign? It's too early to draw speculation.
Before I drag myself to take a shower, I reach for my phone and make a call to someone.
It takes at least fifth ring before the heavy voice answered. It looks like he just woke up, like me. "Hello?"
"Would you mind to pick me up to school, please?"
###
Seth filled the empty space in the parking lot. The jeep roars smoothly occasionally. I rarely see him driving a jeep to school. He always drives silver BMW. But I chose not to ask about it.
"Well—" I start off while he turning off the ignition. "Thanks for your ride."
He looks at me flatly. "I gotta admit the call from you way too early was kinda bothered me. But thanks to you I didn't get late for school." He stares at me for a moment. "You look messed up lately."
My cheeks heated and I avoid his eye contact. I didn't expect him to notice me in so much detail.
"Shit happens." I reluctantly say softly.
"Yeah. I can see that." He says. I almost forgot that he knew more or less about the thing I went through. He even knew my relationship with Oliver was in turmoil.
"Gracey and Trevor aren't in the closer neighborhood. Besides, I'm not in a good mood as a third party in Trevor's car if I asked them to carpooling."
"No one wants to." His eyes then fix on the students passing around the parking lot. "I think you need a diversion and take a beat. That would help."
I narrow my eyes and look at him humorously. "Since when did you start giving me an advice?"
He just shrugs his shoulders, trying to play it cool.
My mind drift to another place. "Umm ... Seth?"
"What?"
"Have you ever skipped school?"
He watches me for a moment. "You know what I was like when I was in middle school."
Right. Stupid question.
"I forgot. But, what made you do it?"
He shrugs again. "Bored. Had fun, acted cool in front peers"
"Just like that?"
"More or less. But that was my rocky periods. Early puberty wasn't like walking in the park."
I consider a little more about my decision.
"Where are you going to skip?" He had guessed.
"There is something I have to make sure and I keep thinking about it."
"Then, you find a key to your gloom."
"Huh?"
"Maybe that's your problem. You think too much without executions."
At that moment I feel like I was slapped hard. "Shit, I have to get used to this friendship." I mutter, looking away.
"The word of friendship you refer to in this situation is a bit strange to me. But I like it."
I turn my head to him. He's slightly look nervous. "I mean, you started being nice." He says quickly.
"Saying is bleeding, Seth. But I should be the one who said that to you." I buckle off the seat belt and checking on the clock in the car. Only ten minutes left before the first period begins.
I have to leave before I change my mind.
"Care to explain where you're heading to?"
My hand is hanging on the car door. "This is a personal thing. Family stuff."
He nods. "Please don't say you want me to cover you up in English class."
"Wasn't gonna." I say, rolling my eyes. "But if you're generous enough, I'm sure you will." I blinked my eyes with a huge grin.
And that way, he shifted. Like being embarrassed or... I don't know what to call it. His hand grips the steering wheel.
"What's wrong?" I ask in surprised.
"Nothing."
"Right. Whatever." I roll my eyes. "Thanks again. Adios."
As I climb out of the jeep, my heart's beating fast thinking of the risk I would do today. But I have to do it very soon. Otherwise it keeps dwelling on me.
Seth was right. I think too much.
When I straighten up and lift my gaze, Oliver is standing on his feet near the entrance. Seeing him there, my stomach feels twisted. My heart sank. He's transfixed there, staring at me in disbelief. There are cuts on his lips and temples. But what became my concern is the anxious on his face. A sense of worry arises. He must have seen me getting out of Seth's car.
We broke up. I keep reminding myself.
I step away from the school area. I can't allow anything to take over my decision today.
###
The bus station isn't as dense as the last time I visited — which was about a year ago. I take a look at my cellphone to remind myself again why I was willing to do this for any consequence.
Rosette Café Philadelphia, ten o'clock sharps.
The sound of the car horn startled me. I almost drop my cellphone. I step away from where I was standing when a car pulls over.
"Caleb? What the hell are you doing here?" I say if I was had seen a ghost.
He walks over to me. That grin signaled that I would not get away with this easily. "I'm gonna asking you the same thing. Aren't you supposed to be at school at this hour?"
"I'm skipping." I say, a little embarrassed.
"I see." His eyes keep looking at me funnily. "Mind to share your thoughts about going somewhere?"
I wave my hands in the air. "I don't intend to run away. There is something I have to do in Philadelphia."
He crosses his arms across his chest. "Do your sister knows about this?"
"I'm a big girl, Caleb. I can take care of myself. I have my own life to deal with." I say, putting my hands on my hips.
"Right, well. I know a little bit about it."
I don't really know which part he knows.
"Look, I don't have much time for this. If you want to tell my sister, whatever. But nothing's gonna stop me."
He tilts his head, still with the antics he considered. "I don't plan to do that. But seeing you have to sneak out silently out of school like you have to go far up the bus, I think this is more important than the risk to get scolded by your sister."
"So true." I sigh. "Would you please keep it a secret for a while, at least?"
"I would. But on condition, I'll take you there." demanding me.
"Uhh, no thanks. I am fine. This is none of your business. Sorry if that's sound rather rude."
"Therefore, I have to make sure that your business going to the way it should be." He says adamantly.
"And why would you do that?"
"Because I care about you, little sister."
My eyebrows rise. I can't help but smiling. "So, you and Hanna— Are you guys get back together again?"
His shoulders slump. "I have no idea. But that has nothing to do with your sister. I do it for you."
Caleb is a lovely big brother. I know he still loves my sister wholeheartedly. I can see it through his eyes.
His good attitude that always takes care of me reminds me of memories many years ago where shits began to aim at navel. When my sister was jailed on false charges, Caleb took good care of me. Even though I knew Hanna wished him to do that. He picked me up at school, invited me to eating out, helped me do homework, scolded the boys who bothered me at school.
God is presenting him as the brother I always wanted.
"Fine. But when you get there, don't try to set me up and stay chill."
"Deal. Well, what are you going to do?"
It takes a good few moments for me to give an answer. "I would like to meet my biological mother."
###
Caleb bought me a cup of hot chocolate. I told him not to sit down in the same table with me. He knew about another mother who turned out to give birth to me and a few things I did at Ravenswood. Hanna must have told him everything. This made me wonder about their current relationship. I knew Caleb and Spencer had broken up. But I still can't predict something that happened between the three of them. If I can guess it seriously, I'm sure it's because Caleb and Hanna still love each other.
The clanging of the bell above the door makes me turn my head automatically forward. At that moment, the air around me bone-chilling cold. The echo of the visitors just disappeared. My mouth hanging open half an inch.
That's her. Felicia Jones, in a flesh and she looks a hell like me.
Caleb, in any way is as shock as me to see the woman walking with her flat expression. She looks younger than the photos on her Facebook page. Her hair is stretched over her shoulder. There are only a few wrinkles around her eyes. She is tall. Wearing a plain blue blouse and skinny jeans.
She takes a sit down right in front of me without a smile. Maybe she's typical of a woman with a Resting bitch face. I heard a lot about that.
"H-hi .." I force myself to speak even though I stammered nervously. "I'm Chloe."
"I know." She says straightforwardly.
I swallow hard. "Do you want to order coffee first?" Again, I sound nervous.
She turns her face slightly to throw a cynical laugh. "No. I won't linger. So, what do you want?"
She doesn't show any feelings other than a flat face and a curt tone of speech.
"Okay." I twist my fingers underneath the table. Drive away the increasingly turbulent feeling of nervousness. "I mean, I want to see you because I want to ask you a lot of things."
She looks at me for a moment. Her eyes narrow. "What is that?"
"Some time ago, I met Marianna. She was—"
"Yeah, I know about Marianna." She cut me off.
"She said something about my mother. Oh, I lived with her in Ravenswood for more than a year and— "
"I know." Once again, the sharp tone cut me off.
Is she being serious? She accepted my offer to meet up and was willing to be found, but is this the way to treat me?
With full of anxiety I dare to look into her eyes. "You knew about me living with Marianna?"
She leans back and folds her arms across her chest. It was a sign that she didn't want to linger with me. "I know it all, Chloe. Your father arranged it."
"Does that mean you have been watching me all this time?"
She tilts her head with a meaningful grin. "Not really. Marianna keeps telling me."
We pause for a few moments. I am confused over this situation
She breaks the silence. "Tom deliberately placed you in Marianna's house because he wanted to try to make me to see you."
I hardly believe what I just heard. "What do you mean?"
"I know you eager to know everything. That's the reason you want to see me, and of course it's not hard to guess. So I will try to be generous now." Her words are very cold and heartless.
"Yeah ..." my voice sounds choked and I cursed myself for that.
"You want to know from the beginning? Fine." She says. She glances next to her. I think she realized Caleb's existence who was watching us. "I gave birth to you."
The words that came out were like a hard slap for me. Plus, she said it without any feelings or anything like.
"That's ... that's ..." nothing came up on my mind.
"Shut up and just listen. It all started at the bar on the city border. That's where I met your father when he was on a business trip. Well, I'm not interested in telling in-depth details about the one night story. But that just happened. At that time, I worked as a barman to accompanied lonely men, and your father—" She smiles slyly. "He was the most seductive and brave."
It feels like there are thousands of nails piercing my heart. I can't stand the way she described it near Caleb.
"He looks bored and messy. I knew he was married, he even showed me a picture of a little girl as I thought she was your sister. That blonde girl."
"Yeah, Hanna." I mutter.
"And that's when everything happened. I didn't really care about the situation of his house. He looked like a family man but he was so persistent. We had a long relationship, but two months later he just disappeared." She explains." And that's when I found out that I had you. A closure fact."
My mouth is half open. She said it as if she were telling me that her feet were exposed to dog poop.
I glance at Caleb who's frowning so hard.
"My world collapsed instantly. My chance to try college failed. I was twenty-two. I worked at a bar to save up. But the boss fired me when he found me pregnant."
"My mother kept on scolding my carelessness. No one could pay rent for the apartment. We were stranded on the street for weeks. Maybe almost months. And how troublesome it was as a pregnant woman. The shelter wasn't kind enough to provide a decent place for me because I was a drug addict. Someone even kicked my stomach."
Oh my God... how heartbreaking. It cuts my heart. It feels sore. Despite her cynicism, I am very sympathetic to what happened when she was pregnant with me.
"Believe it or not, I kept trying to get rid of you subtly."
Wait a minute. What?
"What?" I say softly, try not to get teary.
"My mother tried to sell me. Even when I was five months pregnant. I was forced to serve the man who cares for me. You know, in a state of pregnancy, not all men bother to accept you."
I look away for a moment to exhale. Then she keeps going again.
"As another side job, I helped my mother sell drugs. In one week we could find a decent place to stay, but my birth was in trouble." Her face tightened. "When I went to the doctor, they sentenced me to STD."
My throat chokes. My eyes widened in surprise.
"Oh my—" The room feels spinning around. This is a lot to take.
"But I can assure you that Tom Marin is your biological father. As I recall again, it was with him I did it recklessly." She laughs sarcastically.
My mouth is dry, either because of her reaction or because of this terrible fact. Caleb looks angry in his place. He seems to want to break in between our privacy but I give him a signal to hold back.
"W-what happened after that?"
"I tried to get rid of you by gulping down tranquilizing pills. But that means I'm going to dead too. The first experiment failed. The pregnancy was too big to request an abortion procedure. When it comes to social service, everything can be chaotic. I decided to look for your father's whereabouts. When I found him happy without feeling guilty at all for his wife and only daughter, I was furious."
Yes. I know it. I want to curse my father even more.
"He was surprised to find me meeting him in baby bump. When I told him that I had his child, he didn't believe me at all. You know, he told me to get an abortion as much as possible. He even intends to finance it."
My hands tremble. I look down to calm myself down, but I couldn't, and once again I signaled Caleb to stay in his place.
"And you didn't do it?" I ask in faded voice.
"It's not fair to me with the risk of death that would happen to me. I've suffered too much from being pregnant. And that's when I made an agreement with your father. We kept it private about these unwanted pregnancies stuff until it was time to give birth. The social worker thought I wasn't worth it taking care of you and I wanted to thank her."
"And that—" I brace myself to continue. "What made my father intend to take me?"
"It turns out that behind that jerk natural habit on him, he's not that bad. Actually, I threatened to tell his wife about our situation. Of course he asked me not to do it. He was willing to pay me. When I asked if I should hand you over to the government, he wanted to do a DNA test—and there, you are his child. Then he took you. Well, even though you were three months old until he wanted to do it."
My feelings are getting more and more destroyed. It seems I want the earth to bury me.
"Within the months were full of trials. I was very depresse, I tried to drown you. But it turned out my mother was liking you. She saved you every time I went crazy. She was the one who changed the diaper and fed you. But she knew, in the end you wouldn't be able to grow up with us."
I shut my eyes tightly. "H-how is she?"
"My mother?"
She even doesn't want to address her mother as my grandmother.
"Yeah..." I straighten up. "H-how is she doing now?"
"She died a year ago."
I quickly wipe my eyelids. "And you live all alone now?"
She smiles sideways. "Is it important?
I am not quite sure.
"What happened after my father took me?"
"Your father was back and he was forced to take you because the social worker knew that you are his biological daughter, and also because I told them."
So my father was forced to do it?
"And the rest, you can ask him directly. After he took you, I tried to live as normal as possible. Even though it was already destroyed because I had been pregnant and gave birth."
My hands are clench as the anger show the seeds. "Have you never seen me once?"
We stare at each other for a moment. "No. I want to keep on my life without being reminded of my darkest days."
"So, I'm your darkest time?"
She doesn't need to answer it.
"Story time's over. I give you more time than you expect. I should get going."
"Have you ever regretted it?" I jump on my feet, almost trying to stop her from leaving.
Her forehead wrinkles. But she still doesn't want to linger any longer. "What kind of regret?"
"Tried to keep me?"
Felicia turns her face to exhale. She looks at me straight with her flat facial. "That's my biggest regret. I should have known that I needed to get an abortion the first time it was positive alarms."
Her words stuck right into my heart. Like a sword that is unable to pull back like she blew me to pieces.
My birth mother hates me.
"That's enough!" Caleb marches down toward us. He looks furious toward Felicia. "You're even worse than what it sounds. Never talk to her again, you damn woman!"
Felicia doesn't look surprised. She looks at us back and forth. "Oh, like mother like daughter? Do you like an older guy?"
Caleb steps closer. "I am her soon to be brother-in-law. Technically, I'm her brother. Meaning, you made me give you an ultimatum. You know, you're gonna regret it. You will never know how amazing this child you are born with. How she is the lights of hope for everyone. I am pity you."
Felicia laughs sarcastically as if she just heard a practical joke . "Touching." She takes a glance at me. "I hope there's no need for more business between us."
And after that she just left, while I was glued to every painful reality.
"Hey, are you okay?" Caleb squats down on my level. He rubs my shoulders softly. "I know you're hurting. But please remember that there is something more important than her past."
I just keep trying not to cry.
"You know, the mother who raised you loved you very much. Likewise with Hanna and even your father. Who cares if that crazy woman doesn't values you?"
I keep my head down. I don't want to talk about this at all. He clearly doesn't know how wreck I am. He's not in my shoes.
"Can you take me home?" I ask him in a small voice.
"Of course. Come on." He helps me up. We walk out with his arms guide me. He opens the door for me and I climb in and sit drooping limply.
I really hope that this is all just a dream.