'Oh no! I'm going to be late for the States Annual Meeting!' Oregon sprinted down the hall while brushing her hair.
This situation could've been prevented if she charged her phone last night. If she did, the alarm set for this morning would've gone off. Instead, she woke up to the sun shining on her face, her blurry eyes reading 8:33 a.m. on the digital clock atop the nightstand. She only had enough time to get dressed in business attire. Staying in her hotel room any longer meant a greater risk of getting scolded by D.C. in front of the entire room. That would be embarrassing!
"Hopefully, I'm not too late," she panted as she pushed open the doors, hit by a bright white light that made her close her eyes for a few seconds.
"Hey! You! You're late!" yelled a posh female voice.
She immediately bowed her head, saying, "Sorry! I forgot to charge my phone."
"No excuses! Stupid commoner, you should be ashamed for wasting everyone's time!"
"Commoner?" Oregon looked up at a young woman whose eyes matched the color of money with a shade of snobbery. "Who are you?" She wasn't familiar with her, yet she resembled a certain character from New England.
She scoffed, "Don't try to fake amnesia. You're still in trouble for being late."
"But—"
"Give the poor girl a break. No need to bark at her for being a tad late," said a high-pitched female voice with an Italian accent.
Once again, Oregon was caught in confusion, questioning another newcomer's identity. The young woman striding toward them looked like she stepped out of a nightclub after being filmed for an MTV series. No kidding. She wore a shimmering strapless dress that didn't fit today's formal occasion. She smelled like a hangover mixed with a morning cigarette and a bunch of sweet smells—a nauseous blend of perfume, hair spray, and tanning spray. Oregon had to back away a couple of feet to gulp in some fresh air. If she didn't, she would've suffocated to death.
"You!" The posh woman poked the newcomer's busty chest. "Not only are you late, but you also dared to show up looking like a whore! Do you even have a shred of decency?"
"Fuck off, bitch!" The busty woman slapped her hand away. "Be grateful I showed up. Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered dealing with your clam-chowing cunt."
She gasped, "Take that back!"
"Why should I?"
The women exchanged glares.
"Hey! Do I have to break up another fight?" A bubblegum-chewing tomboy wearing an unbuttoned Yankees jersey stepped between them, wielding a baseball bat that rested on her shoulder. "You fucking bitches are wasting my time with your pointless bickering. If I miss the Yankees game, I'm gonna break both your kneecaps."
The busty woman snickered, "Go ahead, Yorkie. Break a leg. I like to see you try."
"Okay! You asked for it!" The Yankee tomboy swung her bat at the busty woman but missed.
"Ha! Strike one!"
"Shut up, skank!"
"Quit it, you two!" The posh woman pulled out a wand from her suit jacket. "Any more buffoonery, I'll turn you into turkeys!" Her warnings did nothing to diminish the violence.
"Massachusetts...? New Jersey...? New York...?" Oregon watched helplessly, unsure how to feel about the situation she stumbled upon. "WHAT IS GOING ON?!"
☆☆☆☆☆
"Do you like jazz?" asked a woman resembling Illinois as she started playing her saxophone.
Before Oregon could answer, an arm suddenly wrapped around her shoulders. She looked up at a country girl whose charming smile resembled a certain Tennessean. She was too shocked to ask if she was the female version of that state.
"Howdy, cutie! Ya like country? Wanna help me write a song about my complicated love life?" She started strumming her classical guitar.
"U-Um, no thanks...!" Oregon pushed her away and stumbled backward, unintentionally bumping into another unfamiliar woman.
"Hey! You! Tell me who's better. Me or Michigan?"
"Uh..."
"Wrong! It's me, Ohio!" she laughed. "Michigan wishes they're me!"
"Okay..." she mumbled. "Seriously, what's going on?"
Nearby, a female Washington with long dark hair rolled her eyes at all the states that surrounded her. "I'm surrounded by idiots," she grumbled before putting on a pair of headphones, listening to grunge music while smoking weed to soothe her head.
"Hey," a seductive voice made Oregon turn around, confronting a tall woman with silver eyes, "I can make your dreams come true if you give me a hundred bucks." She smirked.
"Wh-Wh-What?!" Her face turned rosy red.
"Stop that, Nevada!" An uptight girl with blonde hair in a beehive hairdo confronted them. "Have you any shame?"
"Huh? Why would I be ashamed? There's nothing wrong—" The rest of Nevada's statement was censored by the Saints of the LDS Church which nevertheless appalled the conservative girl.
"By the Book of Mormon, I command you cease your debauchery!"
"And if I refuse?" She stepped toward her, forcing her against a wall.
"I..." She gritted her teeth. "I won't submit to your lustful trickery!"
"Oh?" She held her chin, gleefully watching the Mormon girl tremble. "Come on, Utah. Don't you wanna—" Once again, the censors prevented the audience from learning the sexual act she was suggesting.
Despite quivering like a leaf, Utah stubbornly maintained her dignity with reddened cheeks, "H-Ha! As if I let you do such perverted things!"
"But if you ladies do decide to do the deed," a short girl in a white beach dress interrupted the tension with a question, "can I watch?" She prepared a camera in hand.
"Sure, Rhody. You're always a perve for these kinds of things," Nevada gave her permission.
Utah gaped at both of them. "No way! And you're not filming this either! Also, we're not going to do those kinds of things because it's disgusting!"
"... Seriously, what's going on?" Oregon continued to silently sink further into the background of the ongoing chaos in the room.
"Honestly, I don't know," answered a female version of Idaho standing next to the disturbed Oregonian, eating a buttery baked potato without a care in the world. "I may have a vagina, but I still love potatoes."
~ Nyotalia! ~
Oregon groaned, "How on Earth did my friends turn into girls?"
"That is something I can explain to you." From the doors that led to this room, a holy man in white robes appeared from a pure bright light that nearly blinded her sight.
"God?" She stared dumbfounded. "The same one who made the Four Corners Gang switch bodies?"
"Yep! That's me!" He appeared to be proud of himself, much to her disappointment.
"What's going on? Why did my fellow states transform into girls?"
"Isn't this what you wished for?"
"Wish?"
"You wished for more girls." God spread his arms out with a happy harem of beautiful women behind him. "Therefore, I surrounded you with ladies to fill you with happiness."
She scowled. "Thanks. I hate it."
"Hate it?"
"I wished for more girls—I can relate to," she clarified in an irked tone. "These girls are horrible! They're violent! They're perverted! They're obnoxious! They're...not what I wished for!"
"Too bad." New Jersey appeared over her shoulder. "This is what you get, so get over it."
"No!"
"You must not turn away God's generosity." Utah and the female states pressed closer to her.
"No! Noooo!" She shook her head.
"One of us! One of us!"
"No! No! Uwaaaaaaaugh!"
Slap! Slap! Slap!
Screaming herself awake, Oregon sat up in her bed, sweat dripping down her forehead as she slowly recognized her surroundings. Looking to the side, there was her beaver, acting cute and cuddly. She felt the numbness on her cheek and breathed a sigh of relief, "Thank goodness. It's only a dream." She picked up her beaver and placed it on her lap, giving them a gentle hug. "Thanks for waking me up." She softly smiled.
The beaver grunted as though to ask, "What did you dream about?"
She giggled, "The dream I had was pretty scary. Some of the states turned into girls which didn't turn out as expected." She stroked her beaver's fur. "But that's okay. All that can be fixed in fanfiction."
~ Hetalia! ~
Hey, hey, daddy, give me some wine!
Hey, hey, mommy, hey, hey, mommy!
I cannot forget the taste of those
Potato croquettes I ate before!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Gosh, I'm Idaho!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Looking closely, that's the Earth!
Or maybe, that's the Earth?
I am the Gem State!
Ah, with just a brushstroke,
A wonderful world can be seen!
Let's make a toast to the Pulaski!
I'm Idaho!
☆☆☆☆☆
+ This episode was based on the fifth extra episode of Hetalia: The Beautiful World called "I Was Overwhelmed by Heroines." In that episode, Estonia dreamt of various nations as girls, much to his horror. It's an iconic episode, especially for fans of Nyotalia or genderbending in general.
- This episode was requested by a reader who suggested Oregon (or another state) react to gender-bent versions of states as though they were in Estonia's shoes. The only difficulty I had with this episode was deciding who to gender-bend. In Oregon's case, I decided to show female versions of states who were normally male. In case anyone was wondering, I had yet decided on Oregon's sexuality. But even with her sexuality set in stone, Oregon would probably choose animal companions over human companions. Of course, that's my opinion.
~
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