TRIGGER WARNING: I know that there have been some underlying themes throughout, but this chapter directly talks about eating disorders!!
I wake in the late morning before Harry who lays beside me, no evidence of him being up soon. He's on his stomach, both arms wrapped tightly around the pillow that sits under his head, his mouth agape. I rub my hand over the bare skin of his back and when he doesn't even flinch I decide to go ahead and check my phone instead of waiting for him to wake up before starting my day.
When I turn the device on I'm immediately flooded with notifications, and while it was expected I still feel my stomach clench, unsure of what it's going to be this time. The first text I click on is one from my publicist: are we okay with this or do we need to squash rumors?
I go ahead and click on the link which leads me to an article on People.com. I'm immediately met with a photo of Harry and I, our lips locked. It's actually kind of sweet, and I decide to save the picture before scrolling down to the actual content.
Harry Styles and Lilian O'Brien Back On? Couple Photographed in a Steamy Kiss at Famous Singer's Birthday Party
You heard it here first folks, it looks like Harry Styles is officially off the market! And to none other than ex-girlfriend Lilian O'Brien.
Both stars who are notorious for keeping their dating lives private shocked the world when they went public back in 2020, only to break up a short seven months later. Harry starred beside the Oscar winning actress in their award winning film "The Hating Game" where the two claim they found their spark.
Although many were in love with the gorgeous couple, the timing of their split led many to speculate that it was all a hoax in order to promote their film. So was it real or are they just getting ready for a possible second film?
One of our insiders came forward to put the theories to rest, "There is no second film and their relationship was very real," they tell us, "Lilian and Harry were very much in love, and I don't think they ever fell out of that. I have never seen two people more perfect for eachother, and I hope everyone can be happy for them if they have decided to rekindle."
There you have it, apparently Harry only has eyes for her. Sorry girls...
Another source tells us that Lilian herself put on the birthday bash. No wonder he was rewarding her with a kiss like that, she did give us the best celebrity event we've seen yet this year.
Now that you all know where I stand, let's see what the people of Twitter have to say:
@TPWKHan: IS THIS REAL?!?!?!? Please say sike my heart can't take it
@IMPAYNE: You mean Harry is dating a girl that's not me? All Payne no Liam
@1DComeBack: Am I the only one that's happy they're back together?! I liked them and it's good to see Harry with someone who's humble and age appropriate
@G0ldenG1rl: If you squint hard enough it could be Louis
I click out of the article and text back: It's all good. Let people talk. I used to hate seeing myself in articles, but to be honest I find it more amusing than anything now. Most of the time they're so far from the truth, but occasionally they hit the nail on the head and it amazes me how much strangers on the internet can gather.
I respond to a few more texts and emails before I double check that Harry is still alive. He hasn't even flinched in the past half hour, and based on the lack of reaction after I poke him it doesn't look like he'll be moving for another hour. He grunts slightly and squeezes the pillow tighter, so I decide to just let him be and head out to get breakfast.
When I walk back into the house, bagels and black coffee in tow, the space is still dead silent. Once I start pulling food out of the plastic bag I hear heavy footsteps coming down the stairs. I softly smile to myself, knowing the sound of food is probably what coaxed him out of bed finally. Harry walks into the kitchen a moment later, gray sweatpants hanging low on his hips, no shirt, and his hair a wreck. Instead of coming towards me or the food, he throws himself across the couch in the connected living room, groaning loudly.
"Good morning sunshine!" I say way too enthusiastically, more because I know it'll annoy him. He groans again, picking up a pillow and placing it over his head. I snicker while I grab his coffee and bring it over to where he lays. He accepts it gratefully, finally sitting up.
"I can't believe I drank that much," Harry mutters, taking a long swig from his to-go cup, "I remember dancing to ABBA and the next thing I know I'm in bed with you fast asleep beside me. I haven't had a night like that in a long time... I don't think my old man body is built for this anymore."
I wonder if that means he doesn't remember us sitting on the bathroom floor, him telling me about the future he sees for us. I bring the food over to the living room and sit on the opposite end of the couch, hoping I can find out. To be honest I'm not sure if I want him to remember or not. While I'm touched that he's so optimistic about us, it still scares me to put so much hope and faith into something that could possibly not work out.
"Do you really not remember anything else in between?" I test.
"Not really, no." Harry shoves a large bite into his mouth, and after a second of chewing he looks up at me, eyes wide, "Why? I didn't say anything rude to you, did I? Sometimes I can get a little sarcastic and people take it the wrong way, but I didn't mean it."
I chuckle at the fearful look, finding it endearing that he's that worried he could have said something to upset me. "No, you were great. I was just wondering. I'm glad you had fun though... You did have fun, right?"
Harry nods his head, flushing his food down with another sip of coffee, "Oh yeah. I haven't been able to let go like that in a long while. It felt good... Thank you. It really means a lot that you would do all of that for me."
I'm not sure why, but him saying thanks makes me blush every time. I guess I didn't really expect acknowledgment for it, I just did it because I wanted to. I nod my head shyly, going back to my breakfast. I can feel Harry's eyes on me, but I choose to ignore it, feeling like his gaze is crushing me. Even after all this time I find him intimidating on occasion.
"Well, Lily Jean," He clears his throat, "Clear your schedule because I am way too hungover to do anything today, which means you're stuck here with me."
Harry doesn't have a TV in his room and because he insisted that he wanted to be in bed, we ended up dragging one of the guest bed mattresses into the large living room. Harry closed all of the blinds, making the house as dark as it could be while we curled under the covers, flipping through movie options.
Neither of us are much in the mood to watch something that requires a lot of attention or emotional investment, so we settle on a Disney marathon, watching movies from our childhood. As the intro to Princess and the Frog begins, I cuddle closer to Harry and let my eyes close, hit with a sudden wave of exhaustion. The past week was tiring between work and party planning, so it feels heavenly to just have a day of nothing.
I don't remember falling asleep, but when I open my eyes a different movie is playing and Harry is talking quietly on the phone. I can feel his words vibrating through his chest underneath my ear while he runs his fingers through the ends of my hair absentmindedly. When he notices that I'm awake he tells whoever it is that he needs to go and hangs up.
"Who was that?" I yawn.
"Publicist. Looks like my birthday is big news," he explains.
"Oh yeah, mine texted me this morning. I woke up with links to like fifteen different articles," I roll my eyes. I only read the one, but it's safe to assume that the others were the exact same. That wasn't our first public outing, but we got lucky the first few by not getting photographed. I guess our time ran out though.
"Does it.... Does it bother you that people know about us? I can call her back and we can try to shut this down if you want. Take things slower before it becomes so public."
"No," I say honestly, "I think it would be kind of hard to hide it now anyways, the fact that it was me who threw the party is common knowledge now. Besides, I like that I don't have to hide this... but I don't love how involved people can try to be. I think I'll miss being able to go out and just mind our business without people trying to get details."
Harry nods his head in agreement, twirling my hair. I begin to turn my attention to the movie when Harry brings me back to the conversation I thought was over. "I guess in one of the articles they were talking about all the people I've allegedly dated and um... obviously it doesn't matter to me because I think you're perfect, but does that still bother you? When they compare you to those girls?"
It used to drive me absolutely insane, something that brought out of the worst of my insecurities. It was a constant reminder that I wasn't built like a model, that maybe I wasn't the type of girl Harry would usually like, but it's also something I haven't thought of in a long time.
"I don't think it does bother me," I say, thinking about it thoroughly, "It's something I started working on right before we broke up and I still am sometimes... Being okay with myself I mean. And now I've kind of come to terms with the fact that this is who I am and nothing else matters because I'm finally happy with who I am."
For a long time I let the way people talk about me online and in tabloids determine my self worth. It was like I could never be good enough; I was too big apparently but then when I lost the weight I was too skinny. When I decided to stop being so critical I put on a few pounds which were definitely needed and the media had a field day with it. The sad thing is, I'm still on the skinner side, yet me holding more muscle and having a healthy BMI is what constitutes as body positive in this industry.
"I hated it at first, but now I find comfort in knowing that I look like a normal person," I continue on, realizing these things for the first time as I say them, "People only really hate their bodies because society tells them to and I don't want to contribute to that culture, you know? I hate the idea that a young girl could look at me and think she needs to starve herself in order to look like me."
Harry presses a kiss on my forehead, down to my nose, and finally on my lips. "See, that's what I meant when I said you were someone I felt like my fans could look up to. I love that you don't care what these people have to say, that you're so much more focused on the greater picture of it all. You have no idea how much good you're doing."
I shrug my shoulders as heat floods my cheeks. "Yeah well... it's just a small thing, it's not that big of a deal."
"Don't discredit yourself like that," Harry gently guides my chin so I'm looking at him, "Small things can make a huge difference. Why do you think I wave pride and BLM flags at my concerts? People want to feel accepted and valid, and people like us have the opportunity to help that happen. I know Gemma used to struggle with comparing herself to celebrities when she was younger, and she could have really used a role model like you."
"I'm hardly a role model," I chuckle, but even to my own ears the sound is sad. While I know that I'm doing better now, there was a long while that I wish girls didn't look up to me.
"Yes you are, love. I don't get why you're so reluctant to accept that."
I want to redirect the conversation, but the truth is I want Harry to know everything about me, and that includes this part too. "Can I tell you something? But you have to promise not to think differently of me," I squeak.
"I don't think anything could make me think differently of you," Harry says, wrapping his arms around me to hold me closer to his chest. The gesture does make me feel better, but I still cast my eyes downwards as I work up the courage to tell him.
I think back to the mornings of shoots where I skipped breakfast in order to make sure I'd fit in the clothes, the way the air conditioning on set bothered me but nobody else. The hours of working with a trainer and still feeling like I needed to go on a run before bed. I can already feel tears threatening my eyes, but I push them down, not wanting to be a blubbering mess, "The reason I was so much thinner when you met me was mostly because I was trying to meet the standard, yes, but the way I was doing it was so bad, and I don't want girls to idolize me for the first four or five years of my career. I wasn't eating, Harry."
I take a deep breath, continuing on, "I just became so critical of myself that I was never happy with how I looked so I ate less and less, and overworked my body because I thought that was the only way I would be accepted or be successful... And the worst part is that it worked. So I started cutting calories even more until it started manifesting in other ways. When we were filming my hair was always weighted down with extensions because my hair was thinning. I'm better now, really, but I'm not a role model for that."
It's not until I finish speaking that I realize a few tears have escaped, and I quickly brush them away. Harry remains silent for a long moment while I gain the courage to finally look up at him. His mouth is set in a straight line, his eyes glossy. "Harry?" I say quietly.
"I'm sorry it's just... I can't believe I didn't notice. I should have noticed. I should have said something." His voice is stronger than I expected, and it's clear that he's having some sort of internal battle. Like somehow he's mad at himself for this.
"Harry it's not your fault," I say firmly, "You didn't know any better. When you met me that was my normal. I don't think there's a way you could have known."
Harry nods his head slowly, and I hope that he's actually accepting that. "Why didn't you talk to me about it earlier? And when did you get better?" He asks.
"I didn't like to talk about it at all, and I still don't. It's not exactly glamorous... And I know now that it's not the truth but in a way I worried that you wouldn't love me if you knew. But eventually I just got so exhausted living like that and I realized that I wasn't myself anymore, so I started handling it on my own and then when I went back to Arizona for a few months I received treatment. Training for Marvel helped a lot too. Instead of me needing to lose weight like I thought I would, my nutritionist wanted me eating three times the amount I normally would so I could put on muscle. I still struggle from time to time but I feel really good now."
"I'm so proud of you, Lil. I'm sorry you went through that alone for so long," Harry says sincerely.
"It's okay... I think it was something that I did have to do alone. I needed to make a change for me. I've actually been thinking about doing an expose about it but I'm just not sure... I worry that my fans won't look at me the same if they know I'm not as strong as I pretend to be."
"I think that's why you need to do it," Harry concludes, "I think a lot of people would benefit from knowing you have the same struggles they have... That things aren't as glamorous as they seem. Even if it helps one person, doesn't that make it worth it?"
I nod my head in agreement, and my heart warms at his words, knowing the truth they hold. Sometimes I hate that I'm held on a pedestal because I'm not perfect and I don't always know what's right, but I am given a platform which means I get to choose what I do with it. And I want to be outspoken about issues, I want people to know that there are influential people just like them. "We're not the annoying and oblivious celebrities, right? Like I know my normal is not everyone else's normal but I still worry I come across as an ignorant rich person sometimes."
Harry chuckles and shakes his head, "Well I can't speak for myself, but I know you're not."
"You're not stupid and ignorant I don't think. You seem pretty cool to me," I tell him, tracing the swallow on his chest.
"Let's make a deal then. If you ever start acting like a stereotypical rude celebrity then I'll call you out, and if it ever gets to my head then you'll call me out," Harry proposes.
"Well I'd say it's a deal but you already let it get to your head," I tease, messing up his already disheveled hair.
"What do you mean it already got to my head! You just said I was fine!" He feigns hurt, but he's still smiling which tells me he's not actually offended. I hate being serious for too long, and Harry's ability to make it light is one of my favorite qualities of his. It's like a breath of fresh air.
"You are a little bit of a narcissist, don't lie to yourself."
Harry's smile grows, "Yeah I am a little bit of a narcissist... but you totally have a God complex too."
"No I do not! I just read a tweet today that described me as being humble, thank you very much."
"So you're telling me that if you went somewhere and nobody recognized you, you would be okay with it?" Harry challenges.
"You literally just described the ideal situation."
"Touche... but do we have a deal?"
"Yes, you have a deal," I shake his hand firmly, like we're actually making a business transaction.
"And one more deal," Harry announces, "When we have kids they have to be humble. They will not be narcissists like their father."
I shake his hand again, my stomach caught in my throat. Harry goes back to watching the movie like nothing ever happened, but my mind is still reeling. That bastard definitely remembered.
________________
A/N: Okay I know that this chapter wasn't the most exciting, but I really wanted to address the inner workings of Lil's brain so you can kind of understand who she is a little bit better. Obviously the story has progressed past this point but when her and Harry first met she was way more uptight and guarded and a lot of this was why. But now she loves herself which I personally think is a big step in having a successful relationship...