"But Auntie Lil I don't want to go to sleep," Harper argues as I tuck her comforter around her. I offered to watch the kids so Kelly and Scott could go on a date, leaving me with bedtime duty.
"Harper you were falling asleep while I was reading the story, I think that means you're ready to sleep," I sit down on the bed next to her, running my fingers through her blonde hair. She doesn't argue anymore, but instead pouts her bottom lip. She rests her head against me and plays with my fingers on my other hand.
"What was your favorite part about today?" I ask her. Her and Scott do this as their nightly ritual, and Harper wouldn't let me walk out of this house alive if I didn't stick to routine.
"Going to the park," she says before elaborating, "Sarah was there and we got to play squirrels. What was your favorite?"
"Hanging out with you and your brother," I tell her, lightly tugging at her worn pajama top. She swats my hand away before protesting, "You say that was your favorite part everyday."
"Because it's always my favorite part," I lightly kiss the top of her head before standing and tightening the covers once more, "try to get some sleep, okay? You have a big day tomorrow." She nods her head once before watching me leave the room, softly closing the door behind me.
I grab the baby monitor and lay down on the couch, finally able to relax until Kelly and Scott come back. I flip through the channels when my phone begins ringing in my pocket. I let out a small groan before answering it as cheerily as possible.
"Hey Lil, it's Robbie. How ya doin' kiddo?" His voice is light, but I know he's not calling to catch up.
"I'm doing alright. What's up?"
"A few things. First of all, have you talked to Nina recently?" He asks, clearly back to business as usual.
"Yeah I talked to her this morning. Why?" I wouldn't have been able to escape the woman if I had tried. She's relentless.
"I ran into her earlier this week and she said she'd been trying to get ahold of you. You agreed to everything she said right? You can't go breaking your contract, hon," Robbie keeps his tone professional, but I can already imagine his stern look.
"Yeah I know, we're all good. She said things are fine right now but Harry and I still need to keep up appearances until a couple weeks after the release. It's more of a press tour problem and not a now problem, so I'll deal with that when we get there."
"Good, good. Glad that's under control. The other thing I'm calling about is this little break you're on. We need to make some decisions. You have three roles on the table and they're not going to wait much longer before they hand them off to someone else. You need to commit," I press my hand to my face, massaging my temples.
"Robbie, I told you that I'm home with my family right now. Work can wait," We've had this conversation too many times, and it feels like all we do is go in circles.
"Lilian, it's my job to make sure that you're successful and on top of your game. You've already taken the longest break you've had since I've known you. Some of these are too big of opportunities for you to pass up, I don't want you having any regrets later on. And I think you'll regret not doing this," his voice is no longer light. Instead he's trying to pressure me, clearly wanting an answer now.
"Robbie, I've already told you, I'm staying here until press tour. Every role you bring to me you say will be life changing and is something that I can't pass up. If this one doesn't work out then another one will come around. I think I'll have more regrets that I slaved away at work for my whole life instead of being here spending time with my family. I'm not having this conversation again."
Robbie sighs on the other end of the phone and I can hear his fingers clacking on the keyboard, "So you just want me to tell them all no?"
"Tell them that I'm unavailable right now but if they still need someone in two or three months to reach back out." Robbie agrees before hanging up, finally letting me enjoy the peace and quiet. I settle on some reruns of Friends, enjoying the mindless droning.
I'm halfway through the third episode when the hum of the garage opening snaps me back to reality. I sit up on the couch as Scott and Kelly walk into the house. I start to gather my stuff, sure that they're ready to go to bed.
"Stay a minute," Kelly tells me, stopping me in my tracks. Scotts waves hello and then disappears up the stairs, while Kelly heads for the kitchen. She comes back to the living room with two glasses of red wine, handing one to me where I sit on the beige couch. She settles down on the other end, tucking her feet up underneath her.
"Lil, we need to talk. I'm worried about you. You've been here for a month and you've refused to talk about anything," she tells me. She brings the red liquid to her mouth, waiting for my explanation.
"Because there's nothing to talk about. Harry and I ended things, now I'm here. It's fine," I swirl the wine around in my glass, watching it move instead of watching Kelly's face.
"If it was fine then you would be back at your own house, you'd be working and hanging out with your friends. I can tell you're upset, and it's okay to be sad, but you don't have to hide it. What even happened?" It's hard to even imagine exactly what I would be doing if I was still in LA. I guess it would be business as usual, early wake up calls and long days, but now it's hard to envision it without Harry.
"I don't even know what happened. Everything was great, really. Then at the wrap party he told me it was never going to have worked and said he wanted to end things. So that was that, I flew home right after instead of just staying in my house and moping."
"Have you talked to him since?" She asks curiously. Nobody has really pushed me to talk, but I know they've all been curious. I'm sure she's been dying to ask all of this for the past month.
"No... he's tried calling a few times. Well more than a few times, he called a lot at the beginning but now not so much. After I posted a picture with Anthony the day he was born he texted me asking that I tell Lucia and Jared he said congrats. But I haven't answered," I know that reopening lines of communication will only hurt. I don't know how to have a friendly relationship with him now. I don't want distance, but I think I need it.
"Lil I feel like you need some sort of closure. You need to talk to him, you can't hide out here forever."
"I'm not hiding out here," well, I kind of have been, "it's been nice being here. I get to watch Harper and Liam grow up, I get to do things I didn't before like take them trick-or-treating. I got to be here for Anthony's birth. I feel left out when I'm so far away, and now I'm not. Not everything is about him, but if we're going to make it about him... I don't want to talk to him."
"You know that we love having you here," Kelly reassures, her hand patting my leg, "but I also know that you love your job even when you hate it. And you love having a purpose and being around people. Hiding out at Mom and Dad's house can't last forever. And I know you don't want to talk to Harry but I feel like there has to be something you're missing, something you don't know. It might help if you talk to him and find out."
"Can I be honest with you?" Kelly nods her head enthusiastically, "I know you're trying to be helpful and I appreciate that, I really do, but I don't really want your take on this. You met Scott when you were fifteen and that was it. You've never been broken up with, and you've never had to date assholes. It's completely different."
Kelly looks deflated for a moment, clearing her throat, "then explain to me why you don't want to talk to him."
"I mean it's not that I don't... Like for example everytime Harper says something funny my first thought is always 'Harry would love that' and I want to text him. But... if someone wants to be with you then they'll find a way. There's no such thing as the right person, wrong time, they're just the wrong person in that case. If Harry was the right person then instead of breaking up with me because things were about to change, or whatever the reason was, he would have found a way to make it work. I was willing to put in that effort but he wasn't. I'm not going to beg someone to stay in my life who doesn't want to be there. That's not fair to me."
"I understand that, and I love that you're willing to stand up for yourself, but how do you know? He's been trying to contact you and you've been ignoring him. Seems to me like right now he's putting in the effort and you're not." I can feel tears beginning to sting my eyes, so I look back down at the glass in my hands. I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't miss him. God I miss him so fucking much. But I'm not ready to hear what he has to say, to put myself in the position to get hurt again.
"I'll talk to him when I'm ready. Right now I just want to enjoy my time here before I go back. It's not like I can avoid him forever," I promise Kelly. In just two months I'll be back in LA with him, doing interviews and going to premiers. And that whole time I'm expected to look like I'm hopelessly in love with him.
Kelly scoots closer to me on the couch, pulling me into a one armed hug. I let myself lean into it, resting my head on her thin shoulder. I'm transported back to middle school when I'd come home from a bad day at school after someone said something mean to me. Kelly was only three years older, but her being in high school made it feel like much more. She'd sit with me on our worn leather couch just like this, hyping me and then we'd go get slushies from Sonic. Those were always the times I felt grateful that I had an older sister.
"I just want you to be happy. You know that right?" She asks, her manicured hand running over my shoulder. I nod my head against her, feeling more and more like I could cry. I've tried so hard to convince myself that I'm happy being home, that this is where I'm supposed to be, but it doesn't change the fact that I don't entirely feel like myself right now. I just want to be happy.
"I know. And I love you," I tell her honestly.
"I love you too, bug. You're going to get through this."
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A/N: AHHHH okay kind of a filler chapter but I just want everyone to get a feel for Lil's headspace right now. Big things coming in the next few chapters I promise :)