AQSA*
The toughest of times have passed or so I thought. Was I right? I hope so. Going through what I went through 2 weeks ago was heartbreaking and I am still not over both tragedies but I am still trying to get over it.
Sayeed is out of the hospital, they are all back home healthy Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. I was so grateful for that. Allah kept them safe. He healed them and I have been gifted the time to be with them for longer Alhamdulillah. A gift I have not been given with my Baby but Alhamdulillah still.
Youssef has finally gone back to training and he'll be in a match this week. After not playing for 3 weeks. We have just been going through a lot. The hardest days were over and now we are trying to go back to our normal routine.
Now he was training so hard. I couldn't even differentiate if he was avoiding me or he was trying to keep up with work. He left in the morning, I left in the morning too. I came back before him. He came back home after ishaa prayer , we would eat, sometimes we didn't. After a day of training all day he would be worn out completely and would just go to bed.
So when he comes back today I can't help but ask.
'Is your manager making you work overtime?' I don't even know if that's a thing but I ask regardless. He has been doing this for almost a week.
He frowns. 'Why?'
'You are hardly home.'
I only see him in the morning before I leave for work and during the night.
' oh.. I've been going to the mosque and then I'd just pass time and chill with the guys. Sayeed too.'
'Oh.'
So he's hanging out with the boys.
Sayeed. That was another story. I feel like we are not like we used to be before all of this. What was the matter? Was he mad at me?? Does he think I was selfish not to help them when they were rushed in? Was he conscious at that moment ? Did he hear Bushra calling me and I did not help?
A lot was going on in my mind right now. Your body heals faster from trauma than your mind and heart does and as much as I've been trying to deal with it, it really wasn't easy.
I've been trying to call him and we wouldn't talk more than a minute. The two times I visited it was Nasrah who was the one entertaining me. He would either excuse himself to go rest or would sit through the conversation and remain casual.
Did he talk to Nasrah about it? But Nasrah was fine. She would call me herself. We were okay. Me and Sayeed were not. He would not stay with me but he would chill with Youssef.
As these thoughts were unfolding in my mind it was taking all of me not to start crying. I open my mouth to speak but I hesitate. I try again.
'Is Sayeed okay?' I ask.
'He's fine.' Youssef replies.
But I don't mean that. Is he okay okay? But I don't ask. I cover myself up and close my eyes as silent tears roll down my eyes.
Goodnight babe.' Youssef says and then it's silence.
I wake up with puffy eyes. I look a mess I've been looking a mess but I have to go out for work and I have to look normal. I get ready for work and leave for work.
Umm Youssef calls me and invites me for lunch. I really wanted to decline but I couldn't. She would know that I was avoiding her and maybe I needed the company. I drive to a diner near the hospital and find her waiting for me inside. I walk to the table that she's sat on. After greetings we give our orders.
Our food is finally brought and I'm having burger and fries while maman has Chicken Salad. We were laughing at something Maman said when a couple walks in to the diner and they look at me awkwardly. I was unsure of the reason. Was it my hijab? Race? Before I finished, the guy spoke in a scouse accent.
'Aren't you that shit-man lazy Defender's wife??'
What?
'Oh my God, it's her!' The lady said.
They take their phones out wanting to record me. I remove the money immediately and place it on the table as me and Maman rush out the diner. Alhamdulillah our table was just by the door. They were still speaking crap.
What was that? My heart was beating so fast. I was shocked.
Can I catch a break? God. I cry.
We get into my car and maman asks me, 'are you okay?'
'I'm really not.' I break down crying.
'You can talk to me.' Truth is I didn't speak to anyone about what I was going through. I know I can talk to her. Usually I'd talk to Youssef but he's a man and as much as he's good to me sometimes I wanted to talk to a woman. My family was going through a lot.
Nasrah had her whole family in the hospital including herself. Asiyah I really can't burden. Ruqqayya and Saffiyya are young. Fatmah is far. My mother? I really can't talk to her.
I keep crying. Maman rubs my back.
'What's going on.'
' I feel guilty for not helping my brother and his family when they were rushed in the ER.'I drop that one first.
'Aqsa!'
God forbid if they didn't survive , it would kill me. The pain of losing any one of them would mess me up and the guilt would end me.
'Its not your fault. Even if you could help them you had to disclose they were family and you wouldn't be allowed to. It's okay to be vulnerable. It wasn't your duty to help them!'
'I don't know maman.' I cry.
'They are fine now right? You shouldn't burden yourself with that guilt it's too heavy and you don't deserve it.' She tells me.
' and then losing the baby.' I tell her.
' I am so sorry.'
'I can't help but think that it's my fault. I understand it's Allah's plan , I really do , but I can't help but think that what if it's a punishment for being negligent? For being ungrateful?'
I feel like I didn't take care of myself and that was on me. I didn't tie my camel.
She looks at me sadly.
'Aqsa, early miscarriages happen, it's common and it's not your fault. It happens to healthy young women, you are a doctor you know it and it's not their fault either. It's not your fault.' She assures me.
I guess I just needed the assurance.
What if Youssef was also blaming me that's why he was always out?
' I feel alone.' I'm not sure if I should tell her about Youssef. It's her child I don't want to cause problems between all of us.
'I am so sorry my child. I feel your pain. I know it. I've been through it.' She tells me.
'I've had a miscarriage and it drains your heart and mind. You should be positive. Allah will give you more. He always does. If you are feeling depressed you should go to therapy don't hesitate.'
I nod. I didn't think I needed it. It was going to get better I just need some time.
'Alhamdulillah.' I reply.
'Do you always go through that?' She says referring to the incident that just happened.
'No. It's the first time. They are upset because Youssef hasn't been playing for no reason at all.' I blow my nose.
'Oh. Little do they know.'
'Do you talk to Youssef? Does he know about all of this?'
I shook my head.
'You should talk to him. It must be affecting your relationship. Loss impacts relationships and you don't want it to create a wall between you two.' She says looking at me.
I think it has already.
'Did Youssef talk to you?' She was so close to Youssef. If Youssef was to talk to anyone it would be her or Papa.
'A little.' She says.
'Does he blame me?' I ask.
'No!' She says immediately surprised. 'Aqsa he does not. He just came in sad after it happened. He got emotional, he didn't want to burden you with more, but he would never blame you.'
I nod.
'You need to talk.' She repeats.
I agree. I didn't talk to him because I was afraid. I didn't ask him questions because I was afraid of the answers.
'May Allah make it easy for you. I know he will. He will bless you. Take care of yourself and I am here for you, You don't have to go through it alone.'
I nod.
'Thank you maman.'
She hugs me.
'Are you okay with going back to work?'
'Yeah I'm fine.'
We talk for a little while and then I drive back to the hospital. I feel much better now. I was going to talk to Youssef tonight in sha Allah. He has a match tomorrow so he'll be home early today.
***
I get home and I find Youssef home. Sitting. I get nervous. I say salaam, he replies. I walk in to our room to go remove my abaya and hijab then prepare something nice for me and Youssef to eat. I was nervous about the conversation but I also wanted it to turn out good so I was going to prepare the mood.
I walk out of our room and before anything he is standing infront of me.
'What did you tell maman?' He attacks me.
What? What did maman tell him? Why would she tell him when she told me to talk to him myself?
He sounded cold and mad.
I'm shocked and I can feel a lump form on my throat tears threatening to fall.
'What do you mean?' I ask not able to say anything more. I hope my voice wasn't obviously weak.
'You talked to maman, what did you tell her?'
Why was he attacking me?
'Stuff. About me. Why are you attacking me? I didn't say anything bad. What did she say?'
I'm now in tears.
'Attacking you?' He retorts.
'What did she say?' I repeat almost shouting at him.
'Nothing.'
Was he serious? Was he dismissing this conversation or she really didn't say anything?
'Huh?'
'I went there today and she kicked me out telling me to come home and talk to you. She was not happy.'
Oh. I breath. I didn't even realize I was holding it in. That was so like her. She might have kicked him out literally. She didn't entertain conflicts not even in the slightest of ways so she definitely wanted me and Youssef to talk about it immediately.
'Oh.'
'What's going on? Why did you talk to maman instead of me.' He asks.
I walk to a couch and sit.
'Because you are never here Youssef. You are always out these days.'
'That's not necessarily true.'
I eye him with my red tear stained eyes. He knows what I mean he just doesn't want to accept it.
'Fine. I'm not at my best and I was avoiding you because I didn't want to burden you with it.'
'Well because of that I've been thinking that you blame me for losing the baby. I was irresponsible.'
'Aqsa! I would never blame you for that.'
'Well, you avoiding me gave me that impression. Sayeed is also avoiding me? Does he hate me?'
'Why would he?' He asks curiously.
'Because I didn't help them at the ER.'
'Aqsa, you should talk to him.'
'I try to and he avoids me.'
'He does?' Youssef asks surprised.
'Yes. Do you know something?'
'No. He just asks me how you are doing but I just thought it's routine.'
'Oh.'
'You should go and talk to him. He would never blame you for anything and you know that.'
'I really don't know what to think these days.'
Youssef moves closer to me and holds me.
'Baby no one hates you. We love you. I love you. I've not been happy myself and I didn't think it was right to add that on your plate, you had a lot on it.'
I nod.
He hugs me as I cry my heart out hugging him. His arms feel like coming home again. I feel loved and secured. I feel home.
'You can talk to me Youssef. We are better together.'
He nods.
He was hurting. I could see the tears and the pain in his eyes.
'It's losing the baby Ofcourse, it's having you hospitalized twice, it's my job and the public scrutiny and criticism. It's not been easy.'
'I understand.' I tell him holding him.
'You?' He asks me to open up.
'Well apart from thinking you and Sayeed blame me, my body is better but I've been sad and I think it's been because of that and of course the baby. I think about it a lot it leads to self-doubts. I have episodes of crying out of nowhere. I feel depressed.'
I say it and I feel lighter. Youssef kisses my forehead.
'Allah will bless us Aqsa. He will bless us with a baby, with babies. He will. Even if in his own infinite wisdom that he doesn't, it does not make you less. 'Āisha did not have children but does that make her less? She is the mother of every believer SubhAnallah. So we pray and Allah will bless us with what's best for us, okay?' He says wiping my tears and looking into my eyes.
'Yes.'
How could I think this man was capable of hating me? Of not understanding me? I hold him tighter. He wipes my new tears off. We sit like that for so long until I am almost falling asleep on the couch next to him.
'Youssef.' I figure he is asleep already. He had to go for 'ishaa prayer and I had to cook and prepare dinner for us. He has to have a good meal today before tomorrow.
'Youssef wake up.' I pinch his nose and he sits up immediately.
'Did we just fall asleep on the couch?'
We laugh.
'We did. It's almost 'ishaa go to the masjid, you don't want to be late.'
'Ohh okay.' He stands up then pulls me up too. Both of us go to the bathroom, me to wash my face so I can start the cooking and him to take a quick shower before leaving for the mosque.
I decide to make dinner special. I rush before he comes back.
Maybe I should make something simple. So when everything is cooking I rush to make the table with candles. I know he has to sleep early but we've both been so sad and unhappy we need to lighten things up. So I set a candle light dinner. I wish I had roses, I don't have any at the moment. I'm running out of time. I take the preserved eternal roses we have in our bedroom which were just for decor. They will do for the time being.
I burn some bukhoor. Place the food on the table. Wallah I have no time remaining. I am sweating and I haven't even dressed up. He'll be back in less than 20 minutes. Alhamdulillah the masjid wasn't so close but I'm sure they were done.
I rush to the bathroom to take a very quick shower. I perfume myself. I wear red lipstick and some eyeliner and mascara. Youssef will be here any moment right now. I'm not done. I open the wadrobe looking for a dress that won't need ironing to slide into and I hear the door opened. I still wasn't in my dress I had just spotted the white dress I wanted to wear.
Youssef was wearing a wide smile.
'Oops....'
'You caught me!' I surrender.
He laughs.
I take the dress and slide it in.
I move towards him and turn so he can zip it up.
'What's the event?' He asks as he lift my hair to zip my dress up.
'I'm having date night with my husband.' I joke.
'What a lucky man.' He says with a smile as he turns me around.
I smile.
'You look beautiful and I can't believe you did all of this in less than an hour.' He says looking into my eyes with his bright green eyes.
I smile again.
He hugs me. I feel so tiny.
'I love you.'
'I love you.' I reply. Buried in his large torso. I was definitely staining his white thobe with make up right now.
'You know what's happening to your thobe right?'
'Right now I don't mind.'
We walk to go have our dinner but we are happy. It's no longer gloomy in here. We are making jokes. We are laughing. We are talking. We are hopeful and most importantly we are strong together.
After dinner, both of us are just so tired. We keep the things away. Blow off the candles and go to our room ready to just sleep.
I go to remove my make up. I brush my teeth and get ready for bed.
We go to sleep smiling at each other. No longer strangers that we were a day ago.
***
I call Sayeed after work before driving home. Youssef was out already because he was playing today.
'Asalaam alaikum habibi.'
'Waalaikum Asalaam Aqsa, how are you?'
'Alhamdulillah, you?'
'Alhamdulillah.' He replies.
'Are you home?'
'Yeah I am I want to go out though.'
'Oh where to?' I ask.
'Youssef's match.'
'What? Are you completely fine? Head injury and the noise? Isn't it a lot?' It is a lot. I know.
'It's fine. I'm better.'
'So can we talk before you go? I'll be in the parking lot in a minute?'
'Umm..' he wanted to avoid me. He was looking for an excuse. Which the Sayeed I've always known would never.
'Yallah I'm coming.' I say not waiting for his reply. Whatever it was, it was going to end today.
I drive to his place quickly, I don't want to delay him for his match. After a few minutes I was there and I called him to come down.
'Why don't you just come upstairs?' He asks.
Well upstairs we would not have privacy and I need it. Upstairs he would throw in Nasrah and then we wouldn't address anything.
'Just come I'm in a hurry and so are you. I won't leave if I come upstairs, you know that.'
He chuckles nervously. I notice it.
'Okay.'
Shortly I see his tall figure make his way to my car. He greets me with a smile. I open the car for him so he can enter. I offer him a lemon mojito. He loves them.
He sits next to me.
'How are you?' I ask him
'Alhamdulillah.'
'How are the kids?'
We talk for a little bit and he's really not himself. Sayeed would look at me in the face. He'd be all over my face. He'd joke with me. He was doing none of those. He was just on his seat looking infront. Would be logical if there was a better view than the grey wall.
'Sayeed you don't think I've noticed?'
'What?' He acts clueless.
'That you are avoiding me? Avoiding my eyes? Did I do something? Are you angry at me?'
I say lightly but I was so nervous because what if I did and it wasn't easily forgiven?
He takes a minute.
I would be shattered if I hurt him. I loved him so much. He knew it. He was a piece of my mother. I saw her in his eyes and hurt and anger in those very eyes would end me.
Tears threaten to fall as the car is so silent. The air is tense.
'Sayeed I am so sorry—— I would never do that intentionally— I— w'
He cuts me short.
'Aqsa it's me. I'm ashamed.'
Why? Why would he be?
'Why?'
'I was careless. I almost killed my whole family and your love for me put you in the hospital, it caused you to lose your baby.. how can I look at you?' A tear leaves his eyes.
Now I realize. He was normal towards me when he first woke up. It must have been after he found out that he started to pull back.
'SubhAnallah habibi. It's not your fault. Nothing is. You didn't almost kill your family. Someone else did. My baby? That was the will of Allah. I would never wish to love you any less. I would never change that.' I tell him in tears.
He's silent but the big man had tears in his eyes.
'Please don't ever blame yourself. Your distance is something that I don't need.'
He had always been my friend and protector. He was always always by my side and I would never want him to change.
He nods.
'I love you.' I tell him placing my hand on his shoulder.
He smiles.
He pulls me into a hug. Oh how I missed his love and protective hold.
'We are good, yeah?'
'We are.' He says with a smile.
'Lunch tomorrow?'
I propose.
'Definitely.' He says with no hesitation in his voice.
'In sha Allah, now go, you don't want to be late.'
'In sha Allah bye. May Allah protect you.'
'May Allah protect you.' I reply.
He takes his drink and gets out of the car. I see him walk back to the building and he turns back to look at me. He smiles and waves. I feel so much better. I wave back and he disappears into the building.
I have my brother and husband back. No more guilt. No more fear. No more shame. No more blames.
Alhamdulillah. Just love.