A/N: sorry this one's kinda sad or whatever (it ends happy don't worry) but IT BE LIKE THAT SOMETIMES :')
Newt's spirit was truly beginning to dampen. Not strictly because they had been through so much just to get here at the Right Arm. It was because he was coming to realize how small he really was. How little he actually mattered. The second in command thought he meant at least something to those around him. In the Glade, he looked after everyone and had close relationships. Or, so he thought? Tonight, he was really coming to see that he cared a lot more about those around him than they did about him. His friends were the centre of his universe but he wasn't part of theirs.
Also gnawing at the stem of his mind was the fact that he'd never be anyones first choice. Coming out the Glade, he thought he was going to be able to find someone to be with and take his mind off of the world falling apart. Though, that never seemed to happen. Newt knew he could at least hold a conversation and even though he hadn't seen his reflection recently, he was sure it wasn't because he looked like a crank. He was kind and smart, always putting others before himself while asking nothing in return. There had to be someone out there who was at least interested in him. In all the people they'd met recently? There had to be someone. Anyone.
He didn't want to base his self-worth off of desirability, but he was really beginning to question if he really was unwanted.
The more people they met since leaving the Glade, the less they seemed to care about him. It was like with every passing face that didn't care to remember his name, he shrunk. He really was just another person in this war floating through space with a head full of hopes and dreams likely never to come to be. Left and right he saw people, even his friends, pairing up. They were falling in love and all they saw was each other. Newt was invisible. Sure, all of this made him think quite harshly of himself for being bigheaded, self-centred and demanding of someones attention. But, he was truly wondering if it was wrong of him for want someone.
Was it wrong for him to just want someone to care about and have care back? Was it a crime or injustice to want someone in his corner? Someone he could trust with his fears and insecurities? He honestly wasn't sure. But, all he knew right now, was that there was no one out there who wanted him.
All of this thinking wasn't broken until he saw a familiar face walking through the camp below the cliff he sat on. Y/N was trying to keep up with Mary as she quickly strode through the camp.
Ever since they'd spent some real time together in the Glade a couple months after she showed up, Newt had Y/N storming his thoughts. Every night, all he could think about was her. He wondered what she thought of him and if at any point in the future something could happen between them. He questioned if he ever even crossed her mind in the same way she did his. It ate him from the inside out. And, despite his strong feelings, he refused to say anything. His ego always protected itself by telling him not to out of the fear of rejection. He had this reoccurring thought that he wasn't good enough and that she could see it. Though wholly untrue, he believed it.
Y/N was swallowed whole by the exact same thoughts as Newt. She questioned her own worth. She ridiculed herself for her flaws and deemed them the reason no one would want her either. In the same way, she saw Newt as far too good for herself and found it easier to just settle into the idea that he would always just be her friend. It was a painful thought to fall asleep with each night, to have your world centred around someone who probably didn't think twice about you in a month.
Tonight, Newt sat with his arms extended out over his knees, lips pursed and brows furrowed. It took everything inside of himself to just hold back the emotions swelling inside. He never, ever thought he could break down like this over something so seemingly ridiculous. Never back in the Glade would he have believed it if someone told him his second greatest mental break would be over just wanting someone to love him. Of everything wrong with the world and all the injuries to possibly sustain, his tears were saved for the hollow feeling of being unwanted.
"Wallowing, huh?" Y/N huffed as she found Newt sitting up on that cliff, staring down at their friends around the fire. "Seems like a good night for it, mind if I join?"
The blonde swiped at his face out of panicked instinct. He'd just made it painfully obvious he was crying but figured if he didn't say anything, Y/N wouldn't either. Besides, she already knew he was in a low mood. It wasn't like she was here to judge him. That's why he liked Y/N. She never made a big deal out of her own or others despair, but if they needed someone to talk to about it, she was there. She wasn't afraid to ask when people weren't okay but also knew when it was better to not ask because the answer was already obvious. Y/N was highly in touch with her own and others emotions, but because she rarely acted on that empathy, people saw her as despondent and avoidant. Newt knew she was the opposite. She was always confronting things head on inside her own mind.
"Wallowing? More like grappling with thoughts." He sighed and nodded in response for her silent request to sit beside him. "What's got you so drawn out at sea?"
Y/N stifled a laugh as she sat down. "Oh, y'know, the normal young adult crises."
"Tell me about it." He responded, throwing a rock into the abyss below.
Y/N looked to her friend and then back to the fire surrounded by people. "Newt, what are we doing?"
The boy was flooded with confusion. "Doing what?"
"Sitting up here, feeling like shit." She said. "Why are we up here when we could be down there with our friends?"
Newt shrugged. He knew but didn't want to say. Though, he was going to anyways. "They're all wanted by someone. They have people who need them. I mean, even look at Aris. He's got people who need him. I don't. It doesn't make a difference if I'm there or not."
Y/N tilt her head. "You're worried no one is ever going to love you. That you'll never be someone's first choice?"
Shocked, he looked to Y/N wide-eyed. She'd hit the nail on the head. Not like he was making it hard for her to guess or anything, though. "You say that like you're feeling the exact same thing."
Y/N laughed a little. "Maybe because I am." She admitted.
"No," Newt shook his head in disgust. "You're not even allowed to think that, alright? You know how many people were giving you eyes back at Jorge's place? You could find someone in two seconds."
Y/N rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well, do you know how many people were also eyeing you there?"
Newt narrowed his eyes. He found that hard to believe so he decided to dodge the comment. "Are you saying you were watching me? Hmm?" He leaned closer and Y/N broke in laughter.
"Well, you just admitted to watching me too!" She pushed him back and shook her head.
Newt was very quickly reminded why he'd fallen so hard for her and why those feelings never left. Y/N was his best friend. That was all he wanted in a partner. Someone who understood and laughed with him all while being able to bare some of his secrets. Y/N was, and always had been, that.
"I've been watching for a lot longer than that," He admitted. It wasn't even hard to say because he knew she was already aware.
"Yeah, I know." Y/N looked down. "I've been thinking about you for a lot longer than that too."
Newt's head perked up. "You seem so relaxed saying that."
Y/N lifted her lips lightly into a weak, sad smile. "I've been wondering for a while now...wondering if the reason we're both so miserable thinking no one wants us is because we already have someone wants us. That's why we can't find anyone. We already have them."
His pulse slowed. The blood in his veins thickened. She was speaking the truth his subconscious knew. The reason he couldn't find anyone was because he already had. He was only thinking no one wanted him because his heart was already set on someone.
"Each other?" He whispered.
Y/N found his eyes. She put her hand on his and looked down. "Yeah."
Grabbing her hand back immediately, leaving no time for her to question or regret the action she'd taken, he laughed a little. "We're kinda stubborn, huh? We've been mopping for weeks now and all we had to do was be honest."
"Whatever, that's enough heart to heart garbage for a few months," Y/N fake gagged and pulled Newt up to stand with her. "Let's go explore this place while we still have it!"
To where? Who knew. But Newt would happily follow for a walk full of laughter and climbing about on the rocks. Again, this was all he wanted. A best friend. He did have someone who had him at the centre of their universe. It felt like home. He didn't have a real home, but he did have one in her.