I wrote this because I made so many of you cry. (And because I didn't feel as bad as I should have about how much I made you cry 🙈)
It's not going to be what you want. It's only mildly less depressing than the previous chapter.
Also I still didn't know what age I wanted Kennedy to be and whether this would be something she would remember so she's not in it.
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Donovan bolted upright, breathing hard. His heart rioted in his chest. His body trembled. Sweat clung to him. A dream. It was all a dream. As it always was. A dream. It wasn't real. Carter...It wasn't real.
Shaking, he buried his face in his hands, hating the way he craved each visit from her, even though he knew it would leave him hallow when she left. Each phantom touch blissful and torturous. Each kiss left him broken inside.
And that night. It'd been the worst of all. Her ghost told him stories that felt real. Told him what he wanted to hear, that she really had come back to him. It had all been fake. Her death. The funeral. The months of living without her. The empty bed. The lingering smell of her in the apartment. The way he'd see her out of the corner of his eye but when he turned around, she wasn't there.
Donovan shook with pain. Wanting it to all be real. Wanting to turn and see her lying beside him. Wanting to feel his heart beat again.
But he wasn't strong enough. He didn't have the courage to look over. If she wasn't there... If it was a dream as all the others had been he didn't think he would survive. His heart would fail him. The reality of having to go on day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute without her would crush him.
Through the blackness of his thoughts, he felt a gentle touch.
"Hey."
That voice. That voice that filled his memories. That voice that whispered in his ear at night. That voice that made his blood race. That voice that filled him with happiness.
Her voice.
Feeling like a man made out of splintering glass ready to shatter, Donovan turned his head.
In the dimness of the room, he saw a silhouette beside him. A silhouette he knew by heart.
"You're real," he croaked.
The silhouette reached out and brushed a tender hand over his face and in his hair.
"I'm real," she whispered.
Donovan shattered. Tears he thought he would never cry again spilled out as he buried his face in the soft crock of her neck. Strong, dependable arms pulled him against a body he knew better than his own. A loving voice whispered in his ear, though he barely heard the words. All he knew was the warmth of her, the solidity of her in his arms, the beat of her heart that struck against his.
A dream. It wasn't a dream. She was real. It wasn't a dream. It wasn't a dream.
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Daylight pooled on the floor, strands of it making its way across the bed. Donovan woke to the sound of a sigh. When he opened his eyes, he found a tangle of brown hair in his vision, pieces of it tickling his cheek. A head rested on his chest, a hot breath caressing his skin. A familiar form snuggled against his.
Carter stirred and wiggled, curling closer to him. Natural. The action was natural. It was foreign. It wasn't real. It was real. He never thought he would feel it again. She lay here. In his arms. Her breath changed. She was awake. He knew that. Knew the change in her breathing. It was real. She was real.
"Being dead was tiring," Carter murmured. "I'm not getting up."
Donovan didn't respond. Her voice. Her joke. Real. She was real.
At his silence, Carter tilted her head, blue eyes staring into his. That blue. Like dark denim. The sky at dusk.
She smiled. And Donovan felt his heart stutter. He thought he'd never see that smile again. Teasing. Taunting. Playful. Challenging. Infuriating. Loving. All in one smile.
"What?" she said. "You're not going to drag me out of bed and demand I wake up?"
No reply came and Carter's expression dimmed.
"I'm real," she said again.
Donovan said nothing. Instead, he traced his thumb over her forehead, down the bridge of her nose, across the plain of her cheek, down to the line of her jaw, outlined the shape of her lips. All familiar. All new. All her. All his.
"If you don't kiss me now," she said. "I'll punch you."
The comment was accented by a teasing grin, but Donovan didn't react.
She was the same.
He was not.
Carter wrapped one arm around his neck and kissed him. It stirred the blood in his veins. Jolted his heart. He knew this.
When she pulled away, he went with her, afraid to lose it all again. Afraid to feel his heart wither to nothing.
She laughed. "Don't worry, I'm not done with you yet, but if I don't get up now, I'll pee in our bed and that's not the homecoming I imagined."
As she tried to break from his hold, Donovan tensed. She couldn't go. He couldn't let her go. She would disappear. She would vanish before his eyes. He would wake up and it would all be a dream. He tightened his grip, so very afraid.
Carter sighed. "I wasn't joking about the peeing in the bed thing."
Still, Donovan couldn't let go. He would never let go again.
"Okay," she said. "You can walk me to the bathroom."
Unlatching one of his arms from around her, she laced her fingers with him. He trailed behind her, lost in the feel of her fingers. Had they always been that slender? Were there more calluses than before? The scar on the side of her hand was new. How'd she get it?
Before Donovan knew what was happening, Carter's hand slipped from his and the bathroom door closed in front of him. His heart stopped. He tried to breathe but his lungs seemed to stop working as well. He pressed his hands to the door. She was there. She had to still be there. She wouldn't leave him. But she'd already left him once.
When the door opened a moment later, he stood frozen. She stood there in one of his shirts and a pair of his sweatpants. She was there. She hadn't left him. She was there. Hadn't left.
"I know I promised more kisses, but I can't kiss you with that beard," she said.
When Donovan remained motionless, Carter took his hand, tugging him into the bathroom. Guiding him to the sink, she pulled out shaving cream, scissors, and a razor. The snip snip snip of the scissors filled Donovan's ears as Carter cut away the scraggly edges. She worked the cream in his beard all the while Donovan stared at her, as he held to a piece of her shirt with one hand. He couldn't let her go. He didn't want to wake up from this dream.
The razor rasped against his skin as Carter carefully cleaned away the beard he'd been too lost to even notice.
"I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself," Carter said softly. "If I find that there are pictures of you online with this beard."
She met his eyes, a glint of amusement there, but Donovan had no laughter in him. Sobering, she set the razor down and wiped his chin with a damp towel.
"I have to make jokes," she said. "I have to know we can find our way back."
Donovan felt the words echo in his chest. But he didn't know the way back. Just knew he couldn't let her go. Ever again.
He tugged on the shirt, drawing her closer. Always closer. He needed her to never leave his side. Never.
Carter planted her forehead on his chest, her hands resting on his sides.
"We can find our way back," she said. "We have to."
********
It was a dream and it was reality. It felt real. It felt fake. Donovan couldn't find which was true and so he trailed Carter, never letting her out of his sight. Listening to her chatter, her jokes, listening to make it real to him.
In the kitchen, the scent of coffee bloomed around them. As Carter pulled out two mugs, the apartment door opened and Link and Maddy walked in. Maddy gasped and covered her mouth. Link dropped a container he held, eyes-wide.
"Carter," Maddy breathed out, tears forming in her eyes.
"We brought breakfast," Link said in a stunned daze. "We make sure Donovan eats...'Cause you're dead."
"Thank you," Carter said.
"Carter..." Link whispered. "Carter!"
Link dashed across the apartment, barreling into Carter, Maddy right behind him. They crushed her between them, laughing and crying, words of relief, confusion, shock tumbling out. Donovan watched, an audience member in his own life. There was so much animation around him but he felt like a slab of stone.
When the trio broke up, Donovan stepped forward, grabbing hold of some part of Carter. He didn't care what, just needed to touch her. Feel that even with others there she couldn't slip away.
As breakfast was laid out on the table and more coffee poured, Carter filled the pair in on what had happened. Donovan sat beside her, hearing but not listening. He ate, but only at Carter's prompting. Too overwhelmed with happiness, Link and Maddy were blind to Donovan's state. It made him feel as he were the ghost in the apartment. If he were the ghost. Did that make it real?
Shadows shifted. Time moved on. Donovan drifted through it all like he wasn't there, tethered only to Carter. He didn't know when he'd taken a backseat to everything around him but found he couldn't take the wheel again. The thought of breaking back into his life, accepting it all terrified him. What if he woke up? What if the dream ended?
He felt as if the world were flashing past him. Then realized that it was. He sat in the passenger seat of their car. He didn't know where they were going. Carter might have said something to him, but so much of the time, he could only watch the way her mouth moved, not hearing the words.
When the car pulled in front of a pale blue house with white shutters, a porch, tire swing in the yard, and a yellow door, he blinked. He knew this house. Steve and Maggie lived here. Only a mile from Quantico where Steve worked. When Carter opened her door, Donovan snapped out of his thoughts.
"Don't," he said, seeing her climb out.
She bent down. "You can either get out of the car on your side or crawl across to mine, but I'm going to tell Captain I'm alive."
Donovan fumbled with his door handle and tried to get out with his seatbelt still pinning him inside. When Carter disappeared from view, the seatbelt cut into him, trying to slice him in half. He twisted around, searching. He couldn't see her. She wasn't there.
The door opened and Carter cocked her head.
"You having trouble there?" she asked.
Donovan breathed again. Not a dream. Not a dream.
Taking his hand, Carter led them up the stone path to the front door. She knocked and waited. The patter of footsteps came a second before the door opened. Maggie screamed, the sound piercing the quiet neighborhood. Steve sprinted out of a hallway.
"Maggie! What is it?" Steve shouted.
Sobbing, Maggie turned to one side and Steve laid eyes on Carter. He halted and collapsed to his knees.
"Sarge."
Donovan had only seen his father-in-law cry once, at the funeral, slow, constant tears. But standing in the doorway, he saw tears again, brought on by astonishment and relief. As Carter raced to her father, Donovan reached out, hating to lose the feel of her hand. But when she dropped down and hugged Steve, letting him cry onto her shoulder, Donovan let his hand fall. Maggie joined the reunion, the family holding one another.
"Where's Kennedy?" Carter asked.
Maggie cupped Carter's face, smiling. "I'm so sorry, Hon, last week she flew out to San Diego, Eleanor and Ted figured she could use some sun. She's missed you so much."
Donovan vaguely knew that. Shame crept into his chest at knowing he'd lost so much touch with the world. He'd failed. Even now he failed to be part of everything, held back behind some invisible barrier he couldn't break through.
Even as the story unfolded from Carter of what happened, Donovan stood trapped on the outside, somehow lost to finding his way in. The story broke in half when the door opened and Danny walked in.
"Dad, do you still have that-"
Danny froze, head shaking in denial. "It's not...you're...Carter?"
His voice cracked on her name.
"Hey, Corporal," Carter said.
Danny let out a laugh that was half a choked sob as he rushed to his sister. The two siblings embraced.
"You grow taller each time I see you," Carter said.
Danny laughed. "You say that every time."
The family reunion grew with happiness as Danny was folded into it. Donovan watched them all as they smiled and laughed. They all seemed to have a switch inside them that took them from grieving to laughing with a single flick. The last two months no longer existed for them. But Donovan didn't have that switch.
With the darkness of night, Carter and Donovan took their leave, but before they headed out the door, Steve whispered something to Carter. Donovan didn't hear what it was said but felt as they both looked at him. With a final kiss on the head from her father, Carter returned to Donovan's side and they headed home.
As they stepped into the apartment, Carter clicked on the lights and Donovan gazed around the clean interior as if seeing it for the first time in a long time. It was spotless. Some part of him knew this was due to his brothers help. Their constant support over the last two months.
"I'll buy us tickets to San Diego," Carter said. "We can fly out tomorrow to see Kennedy and your parents."
Donovan nodded, but his mind remained on the clean apartment, evidence that others needed to know the truth.
"My brothers," he said. "We need to tell them."
Carter paused, her fingers hovering over her phone.
"They already know."
It took a moment for the words to register in Donovan's mind. When they settled in, he stared at Carter. Regret and apology were scrawled across her face.
"What do you mean they know?" he asked.
With a heavy sigh, Carter put down her phone and began to explain how after a month they had been brought in, how she'd needed people she could trust, how they had taken down O'Malley together. But Donovan barely heard her. In his head, all he could see where the countless times his brothers had come by, sat with him, talked with him, comforted him and all the while they knew.
"They knew," he said slowly.
Carter nodded.
Anger slithered into Donovan's chest growing, expanding until it radiated to every inch of him, until it clouded out every thought and emotion, searing through him until there was nowhere else for it to go but outward. He exploded.
"They knew!" he shouted. "They knew and they never told me! They saw me! They saw how I was drowning without you! How each day was hell and they lied to me! Lied about everything! They kept you from me! Over and over!"
With the dam of words broken, there was no way to stop the flood.
"They stood by and watched me die slowly. Did everyone know? Is that why it's so easy for everyone to act like it's all okay? That my world didn't die when you died?! Was I the only one who you lied to? Who you abandoned! Who you left! Is that why I'm trapped with this fear of it all being a dream and I'll wake up and you'll be gone?! Is that what this is! Is it a dream! Are you real? You died! You left me! I died!
Donovan shook with his fury, pain, and grief. He balled his fists trying to rein it in, but it consumed him. Days of waking up to the renewed loss of her pounded against him.
"You try to make jokes like nothing's changed and maybe it hasn't for you, but the day you died I died! The man you knew is gone and I don't know what's left!"
Donovan breathed hard, blood coursing through him, his body roaring with life, every aspect him thrumming with energy. The edges of his vision which had turned black with his emotions cleared and he could see Carter standing before him. He stilled, not at the sight of her tears but the sight of her smile.
"You can keep yelling," she said.
Caught off guard, Donovan took a step back. But Carter hurried toward him, putting one hand on his chest.
"Yell at me, scream, shout, hate me," she said. "I don't care. I'll take all of it because it's better than thinking that I lost you completely."
As she spoke, Donovan felt how alive his mind was. Thoughts sparked and whirled. His body no longer felt sluggish, heavy, unlike his own. He put his hands over Carter's hand, feeling his strong heartbeat. She laughed as she cried and Donovan watched as the tears glistened on her cheeks, brightened her eyes. He brushed them away.
"You're real," he murmured.
He stole her response with his lips, crushing her mouth against his. What he'd feared had come true, he was finally awake. But his fear was gone because it wasn't a dream. She was real.
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Stop throwing things at me! I'm delicate! 🙈
Well, I guess in all fairness I kinda deserve it yet again. You wanted something cute and fluffy like a golden retriever puppy and instead I gave you a rabid weasel. So go ahead and tell me how much you hate me. 🗯💬💭🤛
Here's the thing, Donovan is coming out of two months of depression! You don't just snap out of that right away and become all cheerful and stuff, so I had to stay true to him. Still sucks I know. 😕
I want to apologize, not for the chapter I'm actually okay if you hate me for it, no I want to apologize because I barely answered any comments on the last chapter.
Guys! By the time I even got to looking at the chapter it had 1.25k comments! That's insane! And so I only answered the comments where these emojis 🗯💬💭 were. I'm sorry I couldn't get to the rest but I did read almost all of them and man! am I evil! I made you all so sad!
I hope this chapter didn't make you as sad and if it did, I am sorry.
SUGGESTION TIME!! Go ahead and leave ideas for me! But remember someone asked for the last chapter so be careful what you wish for.
I would say vote, comment, follow but I feel like I lost this privilege.
Side note: Basics of Writing Live Stream on my Instagram: Joymoment on July 11th @ 1pm EST. I'll be using A Secret Service as a model when I talk about the different aspects of writing so make sure to brush up on the class material. 😁 There's a link in my bio for my Instagram.
Hope to see you there! Bring questions if you have them! If you can't make it don't worry I'll be posting the whole thing to my IGTV afterwards.