Demi wasn't always an easy person to be around. Unfortunately, because of her addictions, people always assumed the worst and I wasn't immune to the same automatic panicked response that everyone else had every time she had a bad day. The first week in Europe was a prime example.
If there was a period of time that I wish I could take back, it would be that week. I didn't know it at the time, but we both wasted precious days with angry words that wouldn't matter. I would never be able to get those days back and trust me when I say that time with her, was the most important thing I would ever have. It wasn't limitless and I should've been more greedy. She never relapsed once, and I don't think she would have if given the chance.
"Could you please just get off my ass." She snapped.
"Are you going to talk to me?" I questioned.
"No." She answered with finality. "There's nothing to talk about."
"Bullshit." I said louder than I probably should have. "Where were you last night?" I questioned.
"I'm not doing this with you." She said dismissively.
"Yes you are." I insisted. "As your wife..."
"You should trust me!" She interrupted, yelling loudly. "Yet here I am being fucking interrogated"
"Why can't you answer the question?" I asked desperately. "Why?"
"It doesn't concern you. Drop it." She warned.
"Like hell it doesn't! Everything you do concerns me!" I snapped.
"Not this."
"You made a promise to me Demi. A vow..."
"And I haven't broken a single one of them Selena!" She yelled in frustration.
We kept yelling at each other until she'd finally had enough and stormed out of the room. I felt sick to my stomach. The past week had been a complete nightmare. She'd been staying out and acting secretive. It was like Nick all over again. No one knew what was going on.
The hours ticked by and she didn't return. I paced back and forth trying to keep my emotions in check. When I finally couldn't take the silence anymore, I left my room and went down the hallway to Jamie's. I let myself into her room with the spare key that she had given me earlier. We never travelled without having access to each other's rooms.
The room was dark when I entered indicating she was probably in bed asleep. I wasn't surprised when I found not one, but two people in her bed. I smiled briefly because of just pretty confirmed what I knew had been happening for quite some time anyway.
"Move over." I demanded as I pushed Lauren in an attempt to make more room.
"What the..." She grumbled as she grabbed her pillow and moved to the far side of the bed.
"Selena." Jamie yawned as she pushed herself up with an elbow and looked at me in confusion. "What are you doing?"
"I need to talk to you." I sighed as I crawled in between her and Lauren.
"What's wrong?" She rasped as she turned to face me.
"Is this seriously happening?" Lauren asked in disbelief.
"Shhhh." Jamie and I said in unison as we both shot her our version of a disapproving glare.
"Whatever." She mumbled as she fluffed her pillow and faced away from us.
"I think I'm losing Demi." I whispered as I settled in next to Jamie.
"Why?" Jamie asked her voice still very raspy from sleep.
"She's hiding something from me and I don't know what it is. She won't tell me and we just keep fighting about it. She stays out late..."
"I'll have everyone drug tested if you want." Jamie said suddenly.
"No. I don't think that's what's happening. I think it's...I think she's...
"No." Jamie gasped. "She wouldn't."
"I don't know what else it could be." I choked as the tears started to fall.
"This is insane." Lauren said as she sat up and shook her head. "It's not possible. Demi wouldn't cheat on you. There's no way. I think that everyone is making a big deal out of something that she obviously isn't ready to share for whatever reason."
"Excuse you." Jamie scolded. "She wasn't talking to you. She was talking to me."
"Well...I figured I could give my input since we're all spooning."
"Why does it feel like she is?" I asked desperately to no one in particular.
"Because you're scared." Lauren answered gently. "And you don't know what to do."
"There has to be a reasonable explanation." Jamie offered.
"What other explanation could there possibly be?" I questioned sadly.
"I don't know." Jamie sighed in frustration. "But Demi isn't Nick. I've seen the way she looks at you and believe me when I say she can't see anything else."
"This doesn't make an sense."
"Which is why you need to just wait until she's ready to give you some answers." Lauren said as she rolled back over and settled into the mattress. "I'm going to bed. You should do the same."
I laid there quietly and stared up at the ceiling. I felt Jamie grab a hold of my hand and give it a gentle squeeze. It was her way of telling me I wasn't alone. I kept telling myself that Demi and I had been through much worse and this was nothing more than a simple misunderstanding. Slowly but surly I felt my eyelids grow heavy as I fell into a restless sleep.
***
I woke up still sleeping in between Lauren and Jamie. It was actually quite bizarre. I carefully untangled myself from the blankets and climbed out of bed without disturbing either of them. I had about an hour before I needed to shower and get ready for the day. As I walked back to my room, I had hoped that Demi had returned.
I walked into the room to find her sitting on the edge of the bed. She stood immediately and looked me in my eyes. She looked tired and stressed and worst of all, she looked guilty. Of what, I didn't know. At least not yet. The expression on her face told me I was about to find out.
"We need to talk." She said as she cleared her throat.
"Yeah." I sighed. "I'd say so."
I sat down on the bed where she had been moments earlier as she grabbed her laptop and powered it on. She didn't say anything as she waited for it to boot up. My mind was spinning as I tried to formulate the endless possibilities of what was about to happen.
"This is what I've been doing." She said as she slid her laptop over in front of me. "Press play." She instructed.
I pressed the play button and listened as a familiar male voice started to sing. It was Nick. When I heard her voice it suddenly clicked. They had been meeting up and recording. He had flown out here so they could write for his album. It all made sense, sort of. I still didn't understand why she couldn't just tell me.
"I've been losing my mind because you and Nick have been sneaking off at all hours of the night recording music?" I asked as I tried to stay calm.
"Marie." She said softly as she reached out and touched my face. "I'm sorry. I should've just told you."
"Why didn't you?" I breathed. "I don't understand."
"Pride." She said honestly. "I can't have a bad day without you or anybody else for that matter, thinking that didn't take my medication or that I must have relapsed. I can't have a secret because it has to be something bad. I'm just sick of being defined by every single problem or mistake I've ever made. I'm tired of it. It's exhausting."
While I found her reasoning to be flawed , I understood. The fact that I would question her like that hurt her and she lashed out. I guess she felt like she didn't have anything to call her own anymore because she had to answer to everyone, every single day as part of her recovery. I couldn't imagine how hard that would be. She was always under a microscope in more ways than one.
"Do you have any idea how unfair you've been?" The disappointment was evident in my tone.
"I do." She said softly.
"I'm so mad at you." I said with a sigh.
"You pull me out of my weakest moments and remind me that I'm strong. You're so much more than I deserve and I know that." She said softly.
"Demi..."
"You've taken a chance with me and I want you to know that I don't take that for granted."
"I know you don't."
"You wanna see something else?" She asked hopefully.
"Yeah. Sure." I responded with less enthusiasm than she was probably hoping for.
"We shot this a couple days ago." She explained. "The song is going to be the lead single from his album and this is the video."
I watched as Nicks face appeared on screen. The video itself was shot in black and white and it focused on his face as he sang the first verse. Once he got to the chorus, the camera zoomed out and showed him walking through a corridor as the walls crumbled around him. The walls were covered in tabloid headlines about his departure from the band. He paid no attention to the chaos as he moved forward.
When Demi's verse started, it showed her walking through a similar corridor lined with pictures. The camera cut to close ups revealing that they were pictures of Nick and Demi. Some of them were older from when they were kids and others were more recent. When the chorus started, she started ripping the frames off the wall and throwing them against the ground, causing them to shatter and break apart.
As I listened to the lyrics in conjunction with the video, I felt kind of sad. It depicted their relationship perfectly at this point and I couldn't help but feel like I'd played some part in its deterioration. They both had somber looks on their faces the entire time.
The last part of the video showed them both standing on opposites sides of a chasm as they belted out the bridge and final chorus. They'd try to reach out across the divide but they couldn't quite reach. The video ended with them silently walking away from each other. It was actually quite powerful and I could feel a lump in my throat as I sat there searching for the appropriate words.
"Wow." I finally managed after clearing my throat. "That was amazing. You guys should be proud."
"It was hard for us." She explained. "But we both needed to do it without everyone else looking over our shoulder or judging us."
"I think I understand now." I said softly as I realized that the two of them had made amends and they needed privacy to do that.
"I would never betray you Selena. Not anymore." She said as she knelt down in front of me. She reached up and ran her fingertips across my throat.
"I know that." I whispered as her arms wrapped around my waist and her head rested against my stomach.
I knew the second she touched me where her mind was. The guilt she carried from that day never seemed to let go. It was a brief moment in time and I think that it affected her more than it did me. The bruises healed a long time ago but she carried around the scars. All I could do was wait for the guilt to wash away with the tides of emotion that brought it in.
"Do you forgive me?" She asked hopefully as she looked up at me.
"Of course." I surrendered. "Always."
***
The rest of the day was pretty much a blur. Everyone had the day off so there weren't any set plans. Demi was exhausted since she didn't get much sleep so she opted to stay in bed. I was feeling restless so I decided to spend the day exploring London with Johnny. He was always quite entertaining.
"How are things with you and Demon?" He asked as we walked.
"Demon?" I questioned with a smirk.
"She's been terrible this past week." He laughed. "So yes Demon."
"We're good. She was stressed about the whole secret meetings with Nick thing." I explained. "It was a misunderstanding."
"She could've said something." He said as he shook his head. "I get she didn't want everyone involved and asking a million fucking questions or whatever, but still."
"It is what it is." I shrugged. "I'm starving you need to feed me." I added with a grin as I linked my arm with his and rested my head on his shoulder.
"I don't know..." He said playfully. "I think it's a violation of the bro code to take your best friends wife on a date."
"She'll be way more angry about the fact that you didn't properly care for me. I have needs." I said as I raised my eyebrow.
"Whatever." He laughed as she pushed me away.
"I want pizza." I declared.
I watched as he pulled out his phone and looked for the nearest pizza place. His face scrunched up in concentration as he scrolled through the options. I took a picture of him and posted it on my Instagram.
"What are you doing?" He questioned when he noticed my phone pointing at him.
"Come take a selfie with me!" I demanded.
"No."
I ran over to him, jumped on his back then wrapped an arm around his neck so I could trap him. He grimaced as I kissed his cheek and took a quick picture. Satisfied, I let him go and stuck my tongue out at him.
"I win." I teased.
"Whatever." He rolled his eyes. "Let's go get you your damn pizza." He chuckled.
After we finished eating Johnny was stopped by a couple of fans. He took pictures and signed autographs for them. He was super sweet and spent a good thirty minutes talking to them before we headed back to the hotel.
"Did you guys have fun?" Demi asked as we both walked into the room.
"We did." Johnny answered enthusiastically.
"Hey baby." I smiled at her as I tossed my purse on the coffee table.
"Come here." She said as she held her arms out to me.
I wasn't surprised when Johnny ran past me and jumped into her arms. It was funny watching them fighting with each other. Demi ended up biting his hand while he laughed hysterically before planting the sloppiest kiss imaginable on her forehead. As they both sat there panting, trying to catch their breath, I took the opportunity to take a picture.
Once everyone calmed down, we decided to get room service and watch a movie. I snuggled with Demi on the couch while Johnny laid on the floor with a pillow. It was the perfect ending to a perfect day.
As I laid there with Demi draped comfortably across my abdomen, I'd never felt more content. I absentmindedly raked my fingernails on the shaved part of her head. She'd opted to keep it that way since she liked it so much. I had gotten used to it and hardly noticed anymore. It was normal to me. Everything about her was familiar and comfortable and when I was with her, I was home.
Halfway through the movie Johnny started snoring and I felt Demi's breaths even out indicating she had fallen asleep. I wrapped my arms around her tightly and closed my eyes. I could have held her like this forever, unfortunately that wouldn't be the case. But like I said before, I wouldn't change any of it because for that moment in time when she was in my arms...I held everything.