"Stop fighting the same demons of the past. Move on. Embrace the changes. Focus the future . Build your dreams."
There are times when I couldn't wrap my head around the changes that happened in the last few months.
Like right now.
It was Tuesday night and I was in a video call with Keyra. She would ring me every other day. But this time she had the whole family assembled with her for the video call.
"Di show us your apartment."
"Hm..Now?"
"Why not?"
"I want to show you when you all come here. Maybe like a surprise." I don't have any inhibition in showing them but this way just didn't feel right. I want to directly see their expression to my place and want to know what they think. In phone everything seem polished.
"And when will that be?"
"Maybe for Christmas? It is just three weeks away. Maybe you all can take a trip here."
I could see they were contemplating the idea and left it that. Keyra would finalize everything. The girl is definitely is in a run to make up for all the missing years.
I have decided that I would visit dad before this impending visit. I wanted to keep things balanced. It was a necessity more than anything and a trip to Delhi would clear the last bit of tension there too.
I didn't think I was pushing myself too much but I could feel a small storm bubbling inside me. Maybe the feelings are too overwhelming.
During the volunteer meeting on Monday I did put forward how I would want to cut short on my hours to make time for the job search because of my course ending.
On Wednesday I had to attend the meeting with the legal and medical team as I was deeply involved in a case that came last week.
The case was of domestic violence and we already had everything to put the accused husband in jail. We didn't have to work ourselves to exhaustion this time but still it was intense. The victim had already complained to the police last month but apparently it wasn't enough.
Last week the husband came back to show who was in control of his house. He beat his wife and their two kids. The neighbors called the police and the victims were transported here.
It is always difficult to see when the people who are meant to protect turn to monsters that you hide away from.
After the primary therapy and the legal cases, like any other case they would be moved to another home if they could manage on their own or else to some NGOs reserved for these cases.
Our meeting concluded by 9.30 and as it became our routine to these meetings lately Adhvik dropped me home.
"Can we talk for some time?" I asked as he parked near to the driveway of my apartment.
"Sure. What happened?"
"Its nothing. I am just feeling little overwhelmed lately."
"Are you taking the work too seriously?"
"No it is not that." I took my time to choose words, "everything is changing quickly. Both professionally and personally and I don't know whether I am ready for it yet."
"Sria, is it about us? I have already told you we won't take any step you aren't comfortable with."
"I know Adhvik."I couldn't help the smile tugging at my lips. "And I don't doubt you or this whatever it is for a second." I completed motioning between us.
"It is just my family...is too much? Am I expecting too much from myself?" I knew he won't have the answer but nevertheless I had to pose that question to someone. And somehow, he managed to be that someone with whom I can share my deepest fears.
"I don't know. It just seems too much sometimes." I stated with a sigh.
His gaze was solely focused on my face as if he didn't want to miss a single emotion on my face. He was so attentive and observant. I couldn't help but wonder it would always squeeze my heart like it did right then, as if my heart could no longer hold all my pieces and would like to jump out of my chest to find his. I glanced away out of my window as my feelings began to consume me.
There was another moment of silence before he spoke.
"Maybe it is because you didn't let yourself to feel for so long. And now since you have opened those doors to your heart you don't know how to control the onslaught of feelings." His voice was gentle as if he understood what he was talking about.
I moved to face him and was captured in the intensity of his eyes. His face was calm but I could see a storm brewing within his eyes, trying to tell me a million things. I could feel my breath getting caught but I couldn't bring myself to care. He was telling me a million things with his eyes. A million things which were always left unsaid between us. A million things which we couldn't yet bring ourselves to speak. But his eyes, they said it all and I could feel mine turning glassy.
I didn't know how but my hands found his in between and it was only then he broke our eye contact.
He cleared his throat before continuing, "Or maybe you are just overthinking...too much?"
"Sria I don't think anyone would want to hurt you now. So if you are feeling too much tell them what you feel. They will understand. They definitely care for you."
I nodded, still trying to find my composure after that onslaught of feelings.
"In every relationship communication is important. Tell them what you feel. Tell me what what you feel." He spoke the last part in whisper as if murmuring to himself.
"I will." I nodded at him forcing my eyes to communicate everything I feel right now.
"You should go. It is already late." I mumbled reaching to open my door.
"Sria!"He called out as I closed the door behind me. "I am glad you talked to me today. It was just another step."
"Me too." I replied leaning towards the windowon the passenger side. "Good night Adhvik!" I couldn't help but add, "Message me when you reach home."
"OK mam! Goodnight!" He gave me a salute as I made my way inside the building. I knew it was only after I switched on my light in the apartment and texted him a thumbs up he drove away.
It was a good feeling to know someone out there cares for you. I honestly had no past when it comes to these feelings, my high school and college lives were about dealing my own baggage and the rest with my friends. So whatever this is with Adhvik was totally out of my zone but I am not nervous or second guessing our actions. I think we're slowly but steadily laying down a strong foundation for us. And right now, I am happy with it.
And however slow we might take this I think my body would always like react to his presence, like the past few weeks. I knew I would always feel a little breathless when his eyes find mine even when we are in a crowded room. I would always feel that twist in my heart when he gazes me with his soft brown eyes. And I hope I would always feel grateful to find him even if the things didn't work out or when we hit a rough patch. Because without a doubt he is a gem.
With my mind still on Adhvik I couldn't bring myself to fret over my family and our changing dynamics.
When I settled down in my bed my thoughts drifted back to him. I was restless and I couldn't help replay all our encounters from the first time we met. It was only when my eyelids felt too heavy to stay conscious, I slept. For the first time in forever I saw a face -a boy-a man's face- before the sleep took me under.
The following days I planned for my visit to Dad and called Keira to organize their visit her. My trip to Delhi was scheduled to the Friday in second week of December. It was already the first of December and with my kind-of-busy schedule I didn't get much time to overthink everything.
Adhvik dropped me in the station on Friday evening. I took train and reached Delhi by midnight. Dad was waiting for me in Delhi station.
I had visited Delhi in recent years from my college as well as office but never gathered the courage to meet him. But this time when I saw him in the platform waiting for him, I couldn't help myself from rushing over and throwing myself in his arms just like a little girl. I know my emotions are getting better of me.
As always dad gathered me with the same strength and we stood there for a second. I could feel the kiss he dropped before pulling back and smiling down at me.
At 5'3'' I could only reach near his shoulder and it soothes me that even in height I would always be his little girl. I returned his smile and turned to greet my brother who silently witnessed the whole exchange. He has grown taller and reaches over my shoulder. I couldn't help but wonder how tall he would be in a few years. Pulling him to quick hug we made our way outside the station.
I could feel the tension building up inside me as I stepped settled down in the backseat of car.For a millionth time in the past few weeks I wondered the truth in Adhvik's statement. Maybe all the emotions I bottled up inside me was finally making its way outside.
I did call them few times in the past few weeks but there was an uneasy silence settled between us. I cleared my throat and poked Parth on his shoulder.
"I didn't think you would come to the Station."
"Why won't I? I missed you. I wanted to see my sister." He exclaimed giving me a dirty look, as if my words offended.
"Ok. I thought you love your sleep too much to bother." I knew I was being annoying but I couldn't help myself when it comes to him.
"I know it would be surprising but I happen to love you a little more. Even though after all the stunts you pulled." I knew I deserve his jab but it still stung.
"Parth!" Dad hissed.
My brother was calm when he spoke to our dad, "Dad she started it and she has got to hear it after what she did."
I could see dad trying to find words to sooth both of his children and tried to help him out,
"It's ok Dad. He is right. I deserve his anger."
"No you don't."
"Yes dad I do. Maybe not anyone else could blame me for what I did. But my siblings can. They did their best and still it wasn't enough for me. So I get it."I sighed and continued, "But Parth Í know how to melt your heart."
He turned to face me with raised eyebrows "Let's see."
But my little brother didn't realize I could see the small smile playing on his lips before he turned away. Even as a child he would find some reason to be upset with me, so that he could see what new trick I would use to cheer him up. Both of us haven't grown up from there and we have lot catching up to do.
And I know within no time we would patch up, because both of us weren't ready to waste anymore time.
Back at their apartment I hugged Priya and retired to the guest room to sleep.
On Saturday we went out as a family. We did some shopping as well as the places Parth wanted to show me. He got over his anger in between the breakfast I prepared for him and my undivided attention during the day. It also helped that I bought the food whenever he mentioned hunger. Boys did love food.
Even though none of us did sit and talk through things, the day wasn't bad. It was good actually. I didn't try to fit in and I guess it helped me in being a part of this family. We won't be the perfect family, I knew I won't get the perfect family from both my mother's and father's side, nevertheless I knew each of them loved me in their own way. If not love at least they care and right now, I guess that's all I need.
It's high time I stop working too hard to fit in somewhere in a way I could never belong.
The Sunday was more difficult. Being a therapist Priya knew what she was doing. She let me fall into the rhythm of their life, made me comfortable before pushing me to a corner so that I would have to talk about my feelings. We sat around the family discussing the past and resolved to work harder in the future. I, for my part, promised them to never cut them out of my life and they promised to be there for me whenever I need them. Even though the track record wasn't good for both sides, we decided to see how we keep up.
"So Sria, tell us about Adhvik?" I choked on my food. It was Sunday night and we were having dinner when Priya suddenly decided to change the course of conversation from Parth's science projecto my love life. Love life?
"He is a good friend."
"That's it?" Her face was curious but I could see her fighting off her smile.
I stole a glance at dad and saw his wary look.
"He is a lawyer and works with the centre I am volunteering in."
"That's a good thing." I smiled at her and concluded that she was really curious. "But he does have other cases right?" , Or not. No way would Priya question someone's profession. She's the least judgemental person I had ever come across. She was really messing with me.
But I could see how her question made dad frown a little.
I shook my head at her and spoke, "He is good at his job and has other cases. Adi is working at his office."
"What about his family?"
Now why would she want to know about his family?
"He has 2 brothers, younger and elder and an elder sister. Sister is married and has two kids. Elder brother is engaged. I met his family and his parents seem good people. They all work in famiy business. And before you ask, Adhvik isn't interested in business. So, law." I spoke in a rush to get over this topic.
"So is this Adhvik your boyfriend?" My brother asked in his most serious voice.
"Maybe."
"What does that suppose to mean?"
"It mean yes."
"Ok I will have to meet him sometime."
"Of course." As if I could snatch away that right from my brother.
He went to bed soon after bidding me good bye. We hugged and I promised him again I would be in touch. I would be leaving early next morning and I won't be able to see him then.
I settled down with Dad and Priya in the living space.
"So when will we get to meet him?" Even though Priya asked me in a calm voce I could see her nervousness as she glanced at my dad.
"He came over for dinner at Adi's."
"We know."
My words would hurt them but I had to say it, "So he met my family." I added,"But yes I can plan a dinner if you want, maybe when you all come to visit me or when both us can come here. He frequently come to Delhi. So maybe we can plan one when all are free.. " I was babbling by the end.
But they had to know where they stood with me. I want them to be a part of my life but maybe not be a very big one. I won't be able to handle it.
Priya seemed to get me.
"Ok. Good. We will plan something."
"You mother is coming to visit. Right?" She spoke stealing another glance at my dad.
"Yes they will be visiting for Christmas. 4-5 days. I will be taking a break from the volunteering then. Have to volunteer to sort out my own life." She smiled at me as she said, ""You have really grown to a fine young woman."
I blushed at the compliment and mumbled a "Thanks"
By Monday noon I was back in Chandgarh and on my way to the centre. I only had an afternoon shift and at night Adhvik wanted to take me out for dinner. I didn't know much about dating or boy-friends, never thought I would wonder about those details. However, I was excited for the evening to unfold.
The shift was uneventful or as uneventful as it couldbe at "HOPE".
I didn't bring any dress to change or anything. I didn't think Adhvik would mind my appearance. Also I didn't want to disappoint if he wanted to do something special. Adhvik didn't mention it as a date and I couldn't think there would ever come a time when I could "date" Adhvik, at least not in the formal sense. If being with someone talking whatever nagging your mind, deepest fears, crazy dreams and creating new memories and more smiles even if it was in the backyard of an NGO or during a long drive, could be called as a date. Then I guess we would be dating for a long time. Time with him could never be enough.
"Should I dress up?" I messaged him.
Last few days we were contacting mostly in texts. I texted him a few times from Delhi, when I reached there and sometimes between the shopping and talks. He helped me to stay grounded and take the day as it came.
"No need. Anyway I will be picking you from the centre. So don't worry. You will be fine."
I shook my head at his message and decided to let it go. My jeans and long top would make do.
As the evening rolled in my anticipation grew. I chided myself, "It's just Adhvik and you know the guy."
Yes, I knew him and had always felt the pull between us. But the last few weeks and my conversations with Priya and dad made me realize once again that whatever we share it's real and I really want it to work out. I hoped I won't run away from love because of my past and insecurities.
"I am outside. Come out after you're done."
"Not coming in? " He wouldn't just stand outside the centre. That's so unlike him.
"Not now. I want tonight to be just about us." I couldn't help the small smile at his words.
Even, he is trying.
I saw him as soon as I stepped out. He was dressed in a white shirt and jeans. With his arms crossed, he stood there leaning on the passenger door of his car. His posture relaxed. I couldn't help but stand there a second more, just taking him in. His eyes are brown from his mother. His nose a little crooked nose from a fight with his brothers, so long ago. His jaw sharp with a five-clock shadow and his hair was neatly combed.
Our eyes met.
Standing there I couldn't help but notice him, how his hair ended a little above his shoulder at back and there was always a few strands in front that would fall on his forhead just above his eyes urging me to tuck it back, how his eyes softened at the sight of me and the warmth in his gaze and how his mouth stretched to a smile, a small but from-the-heart smile. He made me feel special. He made my heart to dance to new tunes, beat in a new rhythm.
I don't know to run away or embrace these emotions but I know with him by my side pieces are falling in its place.
So I guess it's time to embrace other changes too and let the time work out the rest.
With that in mind, I took my steps towards him and I know we would always find our way back to what matters the most. Somehow. We would always find what we need and at times it might be something we even want. And a little HOPE helps.
I didn't know whether he saw the emotions playing on my face or whether he was also pulled by the same force but he moved towards me and soon I was in his arms.
My face resting on his chest, listening to the frantic heartbeat just like mine and we found something we need, something we want. I relaxed against him sending a thanks to almighty for all his blessing, more than anything else for sending this man to my life.
There I stood with him in hope to embrace the changes and build a future I dared to dream.
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