JANA
I heard different complains from my teammates. Natalo kasi kami sa paintball game dahil nakuha ni Jay ang flag ng team namin. As a punishment, kami ang magluluto ng lunch at maghuhugas ng mga pinagkainan. It's okay with me since I accept defeat. Pero karamihan sa amin ay nagrereklamo at humihiling na ibang punishment na lang daw.
Like my best friend. "Wahh! I can't make luto luto and make hati hati the ingredients!" Pag-iinarte niya sa tabi ko. Tinawanan ko na lang siya sa sinabi niya.
"Kung sana binaril mo si Jay, edi sana hindi niya nakuha 'yung flag natin." Pabirong paninisi ko sa kanya. She glared at me because of that but I only laughed at her. Kaartehan niya kasi.
"Do you really think that I can shoot him? No way! I'll die first!" Pangangatwiran niya pa.
"Oh edi bigti ka na. Bigyan pa kita ng lubid, gusto mo?" She pouted when I said that. I just laughed at her. Ang sarap talaga asarin ng babaeng ito pero parang ako yata ang maaasar sa alien language na ginagamit niya. Sarap pasakan ng double-sided tape sa bibig.
"You're so mean."
"Thank you."
After that, nagsimula na kaming magluto para sa lunch. Since ang talent ko lang sa kusina ay paglamon, ako na lang ang in-assign nila sa paghihiwa ng ilang ingredients. Ang ilang babae namang kasama namin sa team na kaklase namin ni Lucy ang magluluto. At ang mga lalaki naman na galing section C at B ang mag-iihaw at maghuhugas ng plato pagkatapos.
And the other team is just sitting pretty while watching us. Naiimbyerna nga ako dahil ramdam ko ang titig ng dalawang tao. Iyong tigre at iyong tsunggo. Seriously, ano bang problema ng dalawang 'yun? Hindi ako makakilos ng maayos kung puro sila titig. Well, hindi ko alam kung isasama ko sa bilang sila Darren, Inigo at Niko na panakaw sulyap lang.
I just shook my head. Maybe, I'm just assuming things?
Hindi din naman kami nahirapan magluto dahil nagtulungan naman kami. I just smiled with the thought that the boys from section C cooperated. They really changed... a lot.
"Let's eat!" Masayang sabi ni Lucy ng tuluyan na kaming matapos sa pagluluto.
We all ate our lunch and like what I said, Rico and the others washed the dishes. Nakita pa nga namin silang nagkukulitan habang naghuhugas ng plato kaya sinita sila ni Sir Valle. Tumigil din naman sila 'agad pero pagkatapos ng ilang minuto, nakita na lang namin silang nagbabatuhan ng sabon.
Natawa na lang ako ng bahagya habang napapailing. Ang kulit nila. But in a cute way.
We didn't do any activity this afternoon at sinabihan lang kaming makipagkwentuhan sa isa't isa dahil mamayang gabi pa ang next activity. Umupo lang kaming dalawa ni Lucy sa harapan ng tent namin at tahimik ng ilang minuto. She's busy doing something in her phone while me, on the other hand is busy observing our classmates and schoolmates.
Nang magawi naman ang tingin ko doon sa apat, nakaupo sila sa damuhan at nag-uusap tungkol sa hindi ko alam. But after some minutes, biglang tumawa si Jay na sinabayan no'ng tatlo. Yes, including him. The four of them looks so happy while laughing with each other.
Mukhang nagsimula din silang mag-asaran tungkol sa isang bagay hanggang sa napunta naman ang atensyon nila kay Inigo. Darren said something and after that, Inigo suddenly blushed. I laughed a bit. First time kong nakita na namula si Inigo. Siguro may love life na din ang isang 'to. Hindi niya lang sinasabi.
Then, I just noticed that after some minutes, si Zild na pala ang tinitignan ko. He was laughing with them, a laugh with all his heart. Halatang sobrang saya niya habang nakikipagkulitan sa mga kaibigan niya. He may look cold outside but once you was able to enter his life, doon mo makikita na may warm heart din pala siya. If you became friends with him, he will cherish that forever.
Not unless, you break your promise. Because he will never forgive you after that.
"Bakit kasi nagpipigil ka pa eh. Halata namang gusto mo silang lapitan." Napatingin ako kay Lucy dahil sa sinabi niya. This time, she's not looking on her phone. She was looking at me with a smile on her face.
Natawa na lang ako ng bahagya bago tinignan ang mga puno sa harapan ng tent namin. "I can't."
"Why not? Jana, patawarin mo na kaya sila? Kanina sa game, Jay and I had a little talk. And he told me kung bakit ka nila iniwasan." Because of what she said, napatingin ako ulit sa kanya. Marahil nag-usap sila after ko silang nakita doon sa game kanina.
"B-bakit?"
"It's because, they don't want to hurt you." Kumunot lang ang noo ko sa sinabi niya. Ayaw nila akong masaktan? "They know about your past with Zild. Alam nila ang history niyong dalawa at ang nangyari noong mga bata pa lang kayo. Zild told them about that. And guess what?"
"What?"
"Zild doesn't really hates you. Nalungkot lang daw siya ng sobra dahil sa nangyari noon because you are his first and last girl best friend. At ikaw lang ang pinangakuan niya noon. But your sudden disappearance in that province triggered all of the hatred he kept for hisself. Dahil sa pagkawala mo, mas lalo siyang naging malupit at cold sa mga tao. And sila Darren? Iniwasan ka nila dahil natatakot silang baka masisi ka nila sa mga hirap na pinagdaanan ni Zild with the fact na wala ka naman talagang kasalanan. They avoided you because they are afraid that they might say something offensive that can hurt your feelings." Sandali akong natahimik sa sinabi ni Lucy. I knew it. Tama akong iyon nga ang tinutukoy niya ng magkita kami sa daycare center.
"The moment they started avoiding me, they already started hurting me. I can take all the blame, Lucy. I can endure every single hurtful words from them. Pero iyong iwasan nila ako without even asking me, or knowing everything first is such a painful thing to deal with." Sambit ko at natahimik siya. Binalik ko ang tingin ko sa kawalan at bumuntong-hininga. "I didn't like to have an amnesia. Kahit kailan ay hindi ko iyon ginusto. Tell me, is it my fault that I got bumped by a truck and forgot everything? I never wanted that. Dahil kung oo, sa tingin ba nila, babalik pa ako dito at magpapakita sa kanila? Their reason might be acceptable but it's not enough."
"Jana..."
"And besides, he's not the only one who suffered. Because for almost all of my life, I forgot the memories that are worth it to remember. Maging ako, nagdusa din sa lupit ng tadhana."
Tuluyan ng natahimik si Lucy sa sinabi ko. Tumalikod naman ako sandali sa kanya at hinawi ang isang butil ng luha na tumulo.
Shit. I don't wanna cry again.
---
Madilim na ang paligid dahil gabi na. Lahat kami ay nakaupo sa damuhan ng pabilog habang may bonfire sa gitna. We still don't know the activity for tonight but I am hoping that this will end fast. Para kasing pagod na ang katawan ko at gusto ko ng magpahinga.
"Inaantok na ba kayo?" Ang ilan sa amin ay umiling samantalang ang iba ay tumango katulad ko ng magtanong si Sir Dela Vega. It's already seven in the evening. Maaga pa ng kaunti pero marami na ding inaantok sa amin. But most of us are still wide awake and energetic.
"Don't sleep yet, may last activity pa tayo sa araw na ito. This is just a simple activity. Well, it's more like a game, a simple game. This is called, 'Fold your finger.'" Sabi naman ni Sir Valle. Then, they explained what we'll do. Like what they said, the game is just simple. We will just need to raise our right hand and they will say something. Kung ang sinabi nila ay meron sa amin or isa sa mga personalities namin, kailangan naming mag-fold ng isang finger. When we already folded our five fingers, kailangan naming tumayo and they will make us do something. Kung ano 'yon, hindi namin alam.
"In this game, you need to be honest." Paalala pa ni Miss Castro bago nila pinataas ang lahat ng kanang kamay namin. The fire is enough to give us light and warm for tonight pero hindi ko pa din maiwasan ginawin ng umihip ang hangin. Natawa naman si Lucy na kasalukuyang nakaupo sa kanang tabi ko while Christian is sitting on my left side.
"Fold your finger when you have a dog." I immediately folded my pinky when Miss Castro said that. Iilan lang din sa amin ang nag-fold. Ano ba 'yan! Una pa lang meron na kaagad sa akin.
"Fold your finger if you often spend your time doing some shoppings or strolling around the mall." Kaagad akong napalingon kay Lucy dahil sa sinabi ni Sir Valle. Nakasimangot niyang tinupi ang pinky niya. Mahilig kasi siya mag-shopping.
"Pati paglalaro sa arcades kasali, ma'am?" Tanong naman ng isa ko pang katabi. Christian immediately folded his pinky too when Sir Valle nodded. Ayan kasi, ang hilig-hilig gumala. Halos lahat din sa amin ay nag-fold.
"Next! Fold your finger if you are the oldest child of your parents." I just shrugged. Hindi ako nag-fold dahil hindi naman ako panganay. I am the youngest actually. I looked at Lucy and she just pouted. She folded her ring finger because she's the only child kaya talagang siya ang oldest child.
Napasulyap naman ako sa kanya at nakitang katulad ko, isang finger pa lang ang naka-fold. Yeah. Wala naman silang aso and sa pagkakaalam ko, hindi siya mahilig gumala. But, he's the oldest child in their family. I suddenly remembered his two younger siblings. Zynell and Zian. Napangiti na lang ako ng ma-realize na kaya pala kakaiba ang tunog sa akin ng pangalan ng bunso nilang Zian dahil iyon ang nickname ko sa kanya noong bata siya. Maybe that also triggered my memory kaya mas dumalas ang pagsakit ng ulo ko after that.
Napatikhim ako ng makitang nakatingin din siya sa akin. Katapat ko lang kasi siya at ang bonfire lang ang nasa pagitan naming dalawa.
We continued playing the game hanggang sa may ilan na sa amin ang naka-fold ng lahat ng fingers nila. Kasama na din doon si Lucy na halos lahat ng sinabi ay kasali sa personality niya. Gano'n din sila Jay at Joshua.
They stood up behind us at nanatili namang tahimik kaming mga nakaupo.
"So, this is what you are going to do. I want you guys to write one wish in this paper." Sambit ni Sir Dela Vega at binigyan sila Lucy ng tag-iisang pirasong papel at ballpen. "Isulat niyo d'yan ang hiling niyo sa araw na ito na nais niyong matupad sa mga susunod na araw. After writing that wish, explain to us kung bakit iyon ang hiling ninyo. And after that, crumple the paper and throw it on the fire." They all nodded after Miss Castro said that. Nagsimula silang magsulat sa papel ng hindi muna pinapakita sa amin. I wonder, ano kayang isusulat ni Lucy?
Mabilis lang silang natapos kaya sinimulan na nila ang pagsasabi ng mga hiling nila. Natatawa na lang kami dahil ang iba sa kanila, puro kalokohan lang ang hiling. Gaya ng magkaroon ng mahabang buhok, huwag maputulan ng wifi connection sa bahay at magkaroon ng signal dito. But also, some of them wrote something serious. Like they are praying for their family's health, asking God to help them so they can graduate peacefully and have a great future.
"Jay?" Napatingin kaming lahat kay Jay ng tinawag na siya ni Sir Valle. He's smiling while looking at the paper. Sana naman hindi kalokohan ang sinulat ng mokong na 'to. "Actually, dalawa ang hiling ko sa araw na ito. Pero syempre, isa lang ang pwede 'diba? So no choice kung hindi ang pumili ng isa. Sorry babe, pero iyong hiling ko sa future nating dalawa next time ko na lang isusulat." Natawa ang ilan ng sabihin iyon ni Jay kay Lucy habang namula naman ang gaga. I smiled. At least, Jay is already planning for their future and that means, he's really serious about their relationship. "So, this is my wish for tonight. Ang hiling ko ay, sana, mapatawad na kami ng isang babaeng mahalaga sa buhay namin." Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya at ramdam kong gano'n din ang iba. "We are very lucky to have her in our life. As our friend, our baby sister and as a part of our family. She changed us, she taught us many different things and she accepted us a whole. Pero sobrang gago namin para saktan siya. Ang tanga namin para iwasan siya. At ang sama-sama namin para paiyakin ang isang babaeng katulad niya."
Napaiwas ako ng tingin habang nagsasalita siya dahil ramdam ko ang pagsulyap niya. I also saw Darren and Inigo smiling from ear to ear.
"This is my wish for tonight because I badly want her back in our life. Hindi ko siya ex, okay? She's my best friend, she's more like a sister to me. At iyong kagaguhang nagawa namin, nagawa ko sa kanya, sobrang pinagsisisihan ko na 'yon. Sana lang mapatawad na niya kami one of this days." After that, binato na niya iyong papel sa apoy.
Everyone were silent after that. And me? I was just staring at the paper on the fire. Kahit hindi siya nagbanggit ng pangalan, I have this feeling na ako ang tinutukoy niya. Napakagat labi na lang ako at pinigilan ang sariling maiyak sa sinabi niya. His words affected me. He was able to touch my heart. Pero kailangan kong magpigil. Gusto ko mang patawarin na sila at ibalik sa dati ang lahat, pero paano? I'm not ready yet.
"Lucy, your turn." Sambit ni Sir Valle ng wala pa ding nagsalita after that.
Huminga ako ng malalim at tumingin kay Lucy na nakangiti din gaya ni Jay kanina. She looked at the paper then looked at me. Kumunot ang noo ko. She averted her gaze after that and looked at all of us. "Iyong taong nasa hiling ni Jay kanina, is the same person in my wish. My wish is for her to heal." For the second time, natigilan na naman ako. Putcha. Why do they have to make me feel very touched?
"Continue," senyas ni Miss Castro ng tumigil si Lucy sa pagsasalita. All of us fell silent as we waited for her to speak.
"You see, this person I was talking about is the second most important girl in my life. First is my mom, she comes next. She's my sister by heart. And now, she's in deep pain." Saglit na tumigil si Lucy at naramdaman ko naman ang sulyap ng ilang kasama namin. But I fixed my eyes on her. "She's hurting this past few days. Maybe she's not crying but I can still feel her heart bleeding. She suffered a lot. Destiny made her play a hard life. And now, the pain she have felt a long time ago came back and it doubled. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko o kung may magagawa pa ba ako. I want to end her suffering but I can't do anything. The only thing that I can do is to stay by her side and I know that it wasn't enough. That's why my wish is for her to heal. I want her heart got fixed. I want her to be able to smile with all of her heart again. I want that pain to stop bothering her but I know that, that will never happen. But atleast, I'm wishing for her to heal with the pain and move forward. I want her to get any better." Pumalakpak ang iba sa amin pagkatapos no'n. Lucy threw the paper on the fire and I stared at it again. Umupo siya sa tabi ko after that and I smiled at her which she immediately returned. Oh ghad. What did I do to have this bitchy angel by my side?
"Okay, si Lucy na ang huli. Let's have another round." Sambit ni Sir Valle at tumango na lamang kami.
We raised our right hands again. "Fold your finger if you have a long hair." Kaagad kong tinupi ang pinakamaliit kong daliri ng sabihin iyan ni Sir Dela Vega. Tanging mga babae lamang ang nag-fold since puro maiiksi naman ang buhok ng mga lalaki.
"Fold your finger if your average grade last grading is not lower than 90." I folded my ring finger when Miss Castro said that.
"Name-mersonal yata si ma'am, ah?" Narinig ko ang binulong ni Christian sa tabi ko kaya natawa na lang ako.
"Okay, no offense to this. Fold your finger when your mother... already died." Kaagad kong binaling sa apoy ang tingin ko and folded one of my fingers when Sir Valle said that. Iilan lang sa amin ang nag-fold at mapait na lang akong napangiti. I took a glance in his direction and saw him folding his finger too. Oo nga pala, kamamatay lang ni Miss Ziana.
"Now, fold your finger if you do workouts." Kumunot lang ang noo ko sa narinig ko and folded my index finger. Nananadya ba sila? Bakit puro nasa akin binabanggit nila?
"Nagwo-workout ka?" Gulat na tanong sa akin ni Christian.
Natawa ako ng bahagya. "Yep."
"Kaya naman pala ang ganda ng katawan mo."
"Manyak." I said and he pouted. I just laughed at him as the game continues.
Mukhang minamalas ako dahil this time, naitupi ko lahat ng daliri ko. Gaya nila Lucy kanina, pinatayo din nila kami. I just rolled my eyes when I noticed na tumayo din si Zild. Is destiny playing with me again, huh?
"Okay, mas kaunti kayo ngayon, ah?" Natatawang sambit ni Sir Valle. "So, ganito naman ang gagawin niyo. You will say one word and you'll tell us if what's the meaning of that word. For example, I said beautiful. Beautiful is a kind of description for people who have great physical appearance. But it can also be used to describe someone who have a good heart. Parang gano'n, okay? We will give you three minutes to think. Sige na, simulan niyo na mag-isip."
Humalukipkip naman ako at tumingin sa itaas. Ano namang ipapaliwanag ko? Anong word? Stars? Family? Love? Friendship? Those words are common. Siguradong isa sa mga 'yan ang sasabihin din ng mga kasama ko. How about grades? Achievements? Ugh. Baka naman isipin nilang nagmamayabang ako.
"Okay, time's up! Let's start with you Fiona." Napalunok na lang ako ng magtawag na si Miss Castro. Wala pa akong naiisip na word!
While thinking, nakikinig na din ako sa kanila. And like what I expected, gano'n nga ang sinabi nila. Friendship, family, God, stars, sky, siblings, parents, and hope. May ilan din namang kakaiba tulad ng playground, ocean and sympathy. But still, wala pa din akong naisip na word at malapit na ang turn ko. Buti na lang at ako ang last.
I looked at him when it's already his turn. "My chosen word is promise." Tumaas ang kilay ko sa sinabi niya. Promise? Paano naman niya ipapaliwanag kung ano 'yon?
"Nice choice." Napapatangong sambit ni Sir Valle at sinenyasan siyang magpatuloy.
"I chose this word because... uhm... it is something that's connected to my past. For me, promise is a thing that we should never underestimate. Hearing someone making a promise to you can make you feel that you're in cloud nine. It's a set of chosen words that are used to assure someone that you'll do that, you'll do this so they won't get hurt. You make promises for the people that you love." Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. Lalo na ng sinabi niyang konektado ito sa past niya. Sinasabi niya ba ito para patamaan ako?
I went my head low and stared at my feet like my life depends on it when I saw him took a glance on my direction. "But also, promise can make you feel a pang on your chest. A deep pain is surely waiting for you when someone didn't fulfill their promises. You see, when someone made a promise to you, there is a 50% that they'll be able to make it but another 50% that they can't. When promise is said, you should never assume with all your heart because you'll just end up getting hurt. Besides, promises are meant to be broken." Lahat kami ay natahimik sa sinabi niya. Kahit hindi ako tumingin sa kanya, nararamdaman ko ang cold aura. I'm sure that he's talking with a poker face like what he usually does. I don't know if I'm just imagining things but did I really heard bitterness in his tone?
"I agree. Lahat naman ng pangako, napapako."
"Lalo na kapag manloloko, 'di ba?"
"Truths. Kaya nga dapat hindi na naimbento ang promises in the first place dahil hindi din naman iyon natutupad."
"Nakakasakit pa."
"Students, quite!" Sita ni Sir Valle sa kanila ng magsimulang magsalita habang sumasang-ayon sa sinabi ni Zild. While he just stayed silent after he sat down on his position a while ago.
Habang ako, hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. Ako na lang ang natitira sa amin and still, wala pa din akong naiisip na sasabihin. At mas lalo pang nagpagulo sa utak ko ang mga boses na naririnig ko.
"Magkikita tayo dito sa park tuwing hapon."
"Talaga? Promise?"
"Promise."
I shook my head and sent those voices away. I made that promise but I wasn't able to make it. I tried. I tried my very best but I ended up getting myself in an accident. Hindi ba sapat na excuse iyon?
"Mga kabataan nga naman, oo," Napatingin kami kay Miss Castro ng bigla siyang nagsalita. She placed her both hands in her side and started walking while looking at us. "Zild, maybe you have a very tragic past but that doesn't mean that you should see promises in that way. Okay fine, you're right. But only for some parts. Promises are only used with those people who are sure that they can make it. There are two 50% but you only have the rights to make a promise if you're 100% sure. Because making a promise without an assurance from yourself, without your own will is a mistake." Lahat kami ay natahimik sa sinabing iyon ni Miss Castro. She is our teacher in AP at masasabi kong magaling talaga siya sa pagtuturo sa amin about history. But I didn't imagine na gano'n din siya kagaling pagdating sa mga ganitong bagay. "But also, promises are not the only one we should blame or the person who did the promise. We also should blame the people who expected so much."
"T-teka ma'am, bakit pati sila sisisihin? Eh hindi po ba sila ang mas nasasaktan?" Natahimik ako sa isang tanong ng isang taga-Section B na babae. She has a point. Hindi naman sasabihin ni Zild ang mga bagay na gano'n kung hindi siya nasaktan ng husto.
"No, dear. You see, if a person said a promise to you, it only means that they will do anything just to fulfill that. Kaya nga tayo umaasa kasi diba nangako silang gagawin nila ang isang bagay? They assured us. But sometimes, like what Zild said, promises are broken. But what if they tried? What if they really tried to fulfill it? To make that promise come true? What if they did everything that they can to be able to make it?" Sa mga tanong ni Miss Castro, tuluyang natahimik ang babae, maging kami. My hands started to tremble and my knees suddenly started shaking. Pinigilan kong manginig. She's hitting the point. "Pero kahit anong gawin nila, hindi nila nagawa. Because maybe, that promise are really meant to be broken. Not because the one who did it wants it to be unfulfilled but because it is really destined to be broken. You see, you expected so much that's why you were hurt too much. The pain that comes along the broken promises can never disappear. At sa lahat ng mga sakit na iyon, ang taong nangako at umasa ang dapat sisihin, hindi iyong pangako mismo o iyong taong nangako lamang. Besides, promises are meant to make you feel two emotions. Happy because you heard it and sad because someone broke it."
With all of that, the teachers clapped their hands. Gano'n din ang mga estudyanteng kasama namin. And me? I just stared on my feet dahil feeling ko, bibigay ako anomang oras. Bakit ba kasi kailangang iyon pa ang pag-usapan? Pwede namang ibang bagay. Iyong mga bagay na hindi ako matatamaan.
"Well said, Jin Castro." Natawa si Ma'am dahil sa sinabi ni Sir Dela Vega.
"Jana? Your turn." I looked at Ma'am Castro when she looked at me. Nakangiti siya kaya napabuntong hininga ako.
May naisip na akong salita pero hindi talaga ako sigurado kung tama bang iyon ang pinili ko. I might hurt myself.
"Jana? Are you okay?" Napatingin ako kay Sir Valle ng magtanong siya. Lalapit pa dapat si Sir sa akin pero umatras ako at ngumiti.
I nodded. "Y-Yes, Sir."
"Then, what's your chosen word?" Tanong ni Ma'am Castro.
I sighed. "Memories."