A/N: hello, everyone. Long time no see. :) I can't believe its been three months since my last update, but I am so glad to be back. I have said this maybe once or twice before, but my life got insanely crazy these past few months, and I found myself in a place where I didn't know if I should keep writing, or if I should just give it up. My mental health has also become something that I had to care for more closely, so I let myself have a small break before returning to you lovely people. Anyway, all of this to say... one, I'm glad to be writing here again and two, I've chosen to use my journey with depression is the inspiration for this imagine. If any of you face similar struggles, please remember that you are loved and you are cared for. My messages are always open if you need someone to talk to. It would be impossible to imagine a world without you <3
-Megs <3
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WARNINGS: Topics surrounding depression may be triggering. The ending kinda sucks
Also, I'd say this has a bit more of a Steve x friend!Reader vibe to it, but I have of course added some fluff moments with our favorite Winter Soldier :)
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Nothing mattered anymore.
Each day that my alarm clock went off, alerting me to the start of another day, I simply turned it off and pretended that my obligations didn't matter. My job could wait another day, my professor would probably be willing to accept my homework one day late, and so on. The list never seemed to end, and I comforted myself in the simplicity of the decision not to do anything.
I found one morning myself lost in the warmth of my sheets, staring up at the ceiling of my bedroom, unable to fall into the dark, comforting warmth of sleep. To be fair, it was already half past noon, and although I longed to go to sleep, my body felt otherwise.
A gentle knock broke the comforting silence of my room, and I glanced in the direction of the door, unwilling to stand to go open the door. There were a few moments of silence before I heard the second knock.
"Y/N?" I resisted the urge to pull the covers above my head at the sound of Steve's voice. This was the third time he had to come to check in on me, and frankly, I wasn't interested in engaging in conversation. "Are you awake?"
"Yeah." My answer was short and clipped, hopefully a warning sign to him that I wasn't interested in talking.
But unfortunately, for some reason that translated as a sign to enter my room, pushing the door open and turning on the lights. At this point, I yanked the sheets above my head, my slight annoyance bubbling much closer to pure anger. "Steve! Turn the goddamn light off!"
His footsteps grew closer to my bed, and I felt the bed dip next to where I was laying. A hand gently pulled the sheet down, and I was forced to look at my best friend's face. His eyes were sad, his eyebrows furrowed in concern.
"Why are you still in bed this late?"
"I don't know why this is of any concern of yours." I snapped, letting my gaze fall to the floor, not eager to continue such a conversation with him.
"You're one of my closest friends... and my other best friend's girlfriend, who made me promise to take care of you while he was gone. This feels like a concern of mine, indeed." Steve pointed out, and I couldn't help the tears building up in my eyes at the mention of my partner.
Bucky had left for a mission God knows where. He had reassured me that he'd only be gone for a month at the longest, and promised to return to me as soon as he could. But that had been over two months ago.
Bucky was the only one who knew about my depression. In fact, he was the one that pushed me to try anti-depressants and constantly motivated me to keep moving. His presence in my life was one of the few things that I had grown to love, and the moment it was stripped from me, it felt that the world had come crashing down on me hard.
"I'm fine, Steve."
"You don't seem fine to me." a large hand rested on top of mine, and I finally managed to build the courage to look at him again. "This isn't normal behavior, Y/N. You've been hiding in this room practically the entire time that Bucky has been gone, and have spoken ten sentences, at most. I'm really worried about you."
"There are other things to worry about than someone like me. I'm not your concern." I scoffed, meaning to sound playful, but the lump that had slowly began to grow caught in my throat, the tears threatening to burst at any moment.
"Don't say that." Steve shook his head. "Don't sell yourself short like that. You mean the world to us... to me."
I couldn't find any more words, so I simply shrugged my shoulders. For some reason, it felt harder to accept his words as true than to let go of this sadness that had resided in me for years, seeming to peak after I had lost the love of my life.
"I mean it."
"I'm sure you do, Steve." I gave him a sad smile, before picking up the picture frame on my nightstand, gazing down at the picture of Bucky inside it. "But I can't imagine any of you befriending me if it weren't for him."
Steve's gaze flicked to the picture before letting out a gentle sigh. "I promise you, Y/N, that isn't true."
"Maybe..." I shrugged once more. "But a lot of promises have been made to me that haven't been kept... the most significant one being from Bucky."
"He's going to come back."
"How do you know that?" I let out a half hearted laugh, the tears that I had so desperately tried to hold back finally being released, falling down my cheeks. "No one knows where he fucking is. "
"Sometimes you just have to have faith, Y/N." Steve's voice started to waiver, and I closed my eyes, dispising even the idea of making him cry. But my faith was beginning to wear out, and I did not know how much longer I would be able to hold myself together.
We both sat in silence for a few moments before I felt a pair of lips brush against my forehead. I opened my eyes to gaze wearily at Steve, his eyes red and soft.
"Please don't give up." Steve almost begged, his voice beginning to crack. "We need you."
My chest began to ache, as more tears began to fall down my face and my wall inside beginning to break. "I won't. I promise."
---
For the next few weeks, I was able to fall asleep much easier than I had for the past number of months. The words spoken to Steve had lightened some of the pressure on my heart. Although it was still broken from Bucky's disappearance, it was slowly beginning to fix itself once more.
I woke one morning to the sound of a knock on my door. I let out a small sigh, assuming it was Steve, but managed to pull myself from the warm cocoon of blankets and made my way to the door. I pulled open the door, and was unprepared for what stood in front of me.
A rather worn out looking Bucky Barnes stood in front of me, his eyes weary but his lips pulled in a smile. "Hi."
Tears immediately began to fall, and I rushed forward to embrace him. He let out a small grunt as he caught me in his arms, but he let out a small chuckle before kissing the top of my head. "It's good to see you too, doll."
I pulled away a few inches to look up at him, trying to hide my tears from his view. His hand cupped my face, and his thumb gently brushed away the few that managed to escape. "I always keep my promises, Y/N."
"Did you talk to Steve?" I asked, feeling a small surge of guilt at the reminder of what I had said to Steve weeks previous.
"Yeah. He told me that you weren't doing well." Bucky's eyes immediately grew sad. "And that you thought I wasn't going to come back to you."
It was silent for a moment, as I tried my hardest not to cry even more in front of my boyfriend. "I'm sorry, it's just-"
"You have nothing to be sorry for, sweet girl. " Bucky shushed me gently, before leaning down to brush his lips against my forehead. "I'm just glad to be home with you now."
"Me too." I smiled, the first genuine sign of happiness that I had experienced for quite a while. My gaze flickered to his lips momentarily, before I leaned in and kissed him gently, for the first time in what felt like ages.
My super soldier had finally returned to me, and for that, I would be forever grateful.