Three weeks passed and true to her word, my mother hasn't let me out of the house once and I've had zero contact with the outside world. Sounds mildly dramatic, but it honestly could be worse. Although, Mom doesn't even let Carter have Lane over, he can only visit him outside of the house. It'd almost make me laugh at how hard she's trying to make me miserable if I hadn't fallen into the worst depression of my life.
I thought I had problems before, but as it turns out, it can always get worse. Who knew that being stuck in your room with nothing to do but sit with your thoughts could be so dreadful. With nothing to think about other than how my family rejected me and refuses to say more than a handful of words to me, how no one knows why I've disappeared from school and when I finally return to normal every day life I'm going to have to face that rejection all over again when I inevitably have to give an explanation. Over and over I imagine the expression I saw on my mother's face, unable to stop picturing everyone else acting the same.
If that weren't enough, I've been plagued by awful anxiety and overwhelming self-hatred every time I become even remotely conscious of my physical being. Being unable to bind, having to be alone with her day in and day out just like my mother wants is breaking me, but not how she wants it to. She thinks if she takes everything away I'll miraculously realize she's right, but all this has done is cement the fact that I can't accept the body I live in. I lay in bed under a mound of blankets daily, just trying to sleep and hide myself away, ashamed of who I am and what I've done to myself because of it.
Bundled up in sweat pants and an over sized sweater that I haven't changed out of in three days, I make my way down to the kitchen around three in the afternoon to get something to eat, glad to have the house to myself for a bit. Mom and dad are working and Carter's back at school so it's like a breath of fresh air to be able to leave my room without there being constant tension.
I mindlessly run a hand along my side while biting into my sandwich, wincing slightly at the dull throb the action causes. The bruises have been clearing up, but the broken ribs are honestly such a hassle, I'm impatient for them to heal so I can move around properly. Sleeping has probably been the most painful, it's difficult to get comfortable.
Finishing my food, I just sit and stare out the kitchen window, lost in thought as the silence makes the house suddenly feel a little too big for just me here all alone. I have to admit, I've begun feeling awfully lonely. I haven't had any contact with any of my friends and my mom won't let them come visit me and Carter gets in trouble if he is caught hanging out in my room even though he still sneaks over at night sometimes to check on me.
If someone asked me today if I regret coming out, if I regret everything that lead up to this very moment, I might say yes. But, in hind sight, I know it was bound to happen whether it's now or later. I'd have to face this at some point, and even if I wish I could have waited until I didn't live with my parents anymore, it's over and done with. All that's left to do now is survive and do as much damage control as humanly possible. Not that I think I can repair my relationship with my mom at this point. Every time she so much as glances my way she looks so hurt, like I've done something awful, and I hate that part of me still believes I have. I hate the part of me that still wants to be her perfect daughter and the faithful christian I was raised to be, but it's clear to me by now and probably to her at last as well--it's never going to happen.
My depressing downward spiral is interrupted by the shrill sound of the doorbell, making me jump and turn to look down the hall towards the front door. It's strange, we never get visitors this time of the day. I open the front door and only grow more confused when I see nobody there. I step out and look around the front yard and down the sidewalk, but there's no one in sight. I'm about to turn around and go back inside when I catch sight of something at my feet.
Lifting the box clumsily wrapped in Christmas wrapping, I frown at the tag hanging off the bow. I flip it over and feel my stomach flip nervously.
To: Theo
Open on christmas ❤️
My eyes glance around quickly one more time, but upon finding no one, I hurry back into the house and rush up to my bedroom as fast as my sore body can handle. Setting the gift on my bed I stand and stare at it for a solid minute, contemplating what to do with it. I want to open it right away, it's so tempting, but it clearly says to wait. Who would leave this for me? And why do it anonymously?
I don't have time to question it any further though, because seconds later I hear the front door unlock and my mother's heels tread the hallway; she's home early. Not wanting her to see this and probably take it away from me too, I shove it under my bed and push it all the way against the wall so she won't see it. She's already raided my bathroom and disposed of all the bandages I had, so I doubt she'll find reason to snoop around my room again since I've been on lock down.
"Theresa! Come down here, please!" She shouts, and although she acts polite, I know that it's a demand.
Tugging my sleeves over my hands nervously, I carefully make my way downstairs, peeking around the corner of the kitchen, "What's up?"
I try not to look afraid, but it's not common for my mom to want me in the same room as her and I hate that I'm anxious to be alone with my own mother. It's wrong, this isn't how it's supposed to be and I want nothing but for things to go back to normal. At least before there were moments where we loved each other and got along, but now even those are gone and it hurts. It hurts so much worse than I thought it would.
My mother sighs, not looking at me as she pulls some juice from the fridge, "I had to pick up Liam from school, he has a fever. I need to get back to work though, so can you watch him?"
I glance over at my brother who sits at the kitchen bar, his chin resting tiredly on his arms and I notice his cheeks are pretty flushed. "Yeah, no problem. You doing okay, kid?"
Liam shakes his head, "Can I have some soup?"
My mom looks to me pointedly and I swallow tightly, trying to ignore her as I nod happily at him, making my way over to the cupboard but when I reach for the cans on the top shelf, my side aches and I flinch, retracting my arm quickly. Mom sighs and comes up behind me, grabbing the can and putting it on the counter a little roughly before turning her back on me, leaving me to just stare at the can in front of me with tears in my eyes suddenly.
"I'll be back in a few hours," She says in a flat voice, before turning to Liam and kissing him on the top of his head. "Be good for your sister."
I frown at her words as she rushes out the front door and only then do I realize how tense I was as my shoulders relax and a deep sigh escapes me. I don't want Liam to see me upset though, so I shake it off as best I can and get to making the soup. He doesn't say anything while I do, just quietly sits, swinging his legs back and forth.
Only as I serve him his bowl of soup does he look up at me uncertainly, "Hey, can I ask you something?"
I feel like I know where this is going, so I sit down, feeling almost just as uncertain, "Sure."
He pauses for a moment, stirring his spoon around in the soup, "What does transgender mean?"
My heart beats a little harder, the anxiety gnawing at me uncomfortably as I try to come up with something to say. I want to tell him, but I also don't know how much is appropriate to tell a child, and I worry that one or both of us will get in trouble if my parents find out I told him about any of this. Oh, I can only imagine the kind of fit my mother would have, how much she'd hate me for trying to 'drag down my brother' with me.
However, as he glances up at me with honest curiosity, I find myself unable to be dishonest with my brother, "It means someone who was born with a body that doesn't match who they feel they are inside."
He frowns, pursing his lips in thought, "Is that how you feel?"
"Yeah," I whisper, dropping my gaze to the counter top, hating the overwhelming shame that I've begun to feel lately.
"Does it make you sad?" He questions, sounding truly curious like any child would be, much like I used to be before I understood.
I nod, hoping he can't see how emotional I'm getting just having this conversation with him, part of me afraid to see my innocent little brother reject me as well. "It makes me very sad."
"You... want to be a boy?" He furrows his brows almost comically in confusion as he slurps at his soup and I smile slightly.
"In my heart, I feel like I am a boy," I say, hoping that my words are simple enough and not too simple at the same time.
He shrugs, looking frustrated, "That doesn't sound like a big deal to me. Girls are lame, having a brother would be way cooler anyway."
I can't help the grin that lights up my face at his words as I ruffle his hair, "Eat your soup and don't tell mom we talked about this, okay?"
He nods, slapping my hand away from his hair, but I can't stop smiling at him affectionately. My kid brother is a brat at the best of times, but he's going to grow up to be a good person. It blows my mind that a child can grasp what I've been trying to explain to my parents so easily and better yet, he accepted me without hesitation. If a child can do that, why can't my own mother?
"So is that why I heard Carter calling you Theo?" He says offhandedly, making my eyes widen in surprise.
"Uh, yeah," I say slowly, narrowing my eyes at him suspiciously. "Were you eavesdropping, brat?"
He grins and shrugs, "Maybe, it's not like you can tell mom on me this time."
I playfully punch him in the arm and shake my head, but a laugh escapes me in spite of my annoyance, "Just when I had high hopes you were a good person."
He sticks his tongue out at me childishly, "So, why is he calling you Theo?"
"I like it better than Theresa," I say and make a face when I say the name.
He thinks on it and nods in approval, "I would've picked something way cooler sounding if I was going to change my name, but Theo is alright I guess."
I smile, enjoying this conversation, "Oh yeah? What would you pick?"
He thinks on it and I just listen to him ramble about cool names and how he might like me better as a brother. Hearing him ask me to do things he would want to do with a brother makes my heart beat with joy. This is the acceptance I've been yearning for, the recognition. People say kids are too young to understand these things, but they're not. They are so much more aware than we give them credit for.
Thinking back, I realize that kids aren't stupid at all. I mean, Liam lives in this house too. He hears our conversations, observes our daily lives. He understood when aunt Julie was dying before we even told him. He knew what Carter coming here meant. He knew that I've been hiding something since he heard Carter calling me Theo and said nothing because he understood there could be consequences. He's been quietly sitting back and watching everything happen around him and no one properly explains anything to him simply because he's a kid and they pretend he won't understand, but I remember being that young. They know a lot more than they're capable of expressing.
"Lee," I start, looking over at him as I wash his dishes for him. "Will you call me Theo? At least when mom and dad aren't around?"
He blinks up at me, shrugging, "Yeah, sure."
I smile and gesture towards the hall, "Alright, lets get you up to bed. You can watch cartoons or something, but mom will kill me if she comes back and sees you up and about."
He groans, but doesn't argue as he marches up the stairs to his room. After that, the next six days leading up to Christmas go by strangely fast. Before I know it, it's Christmas morning and I'm being rudely awoken by my brother shouting down the hall to wake up. I can't help the smile that lights up my face as the childhood nostalgia hits me when I meet Carter in the hallway who has a grin that matches my own and we race down the stairs with my little brother and see a pile of presents under the tree in the living room.
I give Liam a little push and be runs for them, my parents already coming down the hall from the kitchen with coffees in hand. We all gather around the tree and for the first time all month, I feel like we're an actual family. It's a little bittersweet, especially for Carter, but we make the most of it and stay in bright spirits. My mom actually smiles and my dad ruffles my hair playfully like he always has.
Presents are a little awkward, though. I force a smile as I unwrap dresses and makeup and a bunch of other things that feel like they're being forced upon me, but I don't want to be the one who ruins the mood on Christmas. So, I pretend I love it all and I hug my mother like I'm supposed to and I bury all the feelings of nonacceptance for their sake. I know Carter sees through it, but I'm glad he doesn't say anything even though I know him well enough to know he wishes he could.
Only as my mom leaves to answer the phone, likely a relative calling to wish us merry Christmas, does my brother look to my dad. "Can I get it?"
"Quickly," He says, his voice lowered.
Liam runs upstairs like the devil is on his heel and rushes back, handing me another present, which I stare at in confusion before looking between the three of them, but Carter just shakes his head in equal confusion. "What's this about?"
"Just open it," My dad says with a small smile, my brother practically bouncing with anticipation.
I smile uncertainly and quickly unwrap the paper and open the small rectangular box, only to gasp in shock at the beautiful watch inside. A silver men's watch, like one of those really expensive looking ones. My eyes dart up to my dad, tears pooling in them as I try to figure out if this means what I hope it means.
"Hey, don't look at me, your brother picked it out," He says warmly, nodding to my brother who I pull into a tight hug.
He giggles and hugs me back, "Merry Christmas... Theo."
A couple tears actually do escape as I hug the hell out of the kid until he starts complaining and pulls away, blushing awkwardly as he acts like I'm being annoying even though he just did the sweetest thing for me. My dad just watches us happily, but looks back at the hallway before meeting my gaze.
"Just don't let your mother see it," He says quietly, gesturing for me to keep it hidden for now.
I nod, placing it's small box inside of a clothing box to go unnoticed before hurrying over to hug him, too. "Thanks, Dad."
"I'm just glad I could see a real smile on your face today," He sighs.
Maybe my dad isn't doing things totally right by me by not standing up for me, and maybe he should say more when my mom's losing her temper inappropriately, but I know he loves me in the end. Even if he doesn't understand what I'm going through, he does want me to be happy and I appreciate even that much. He comes from a very strict background, so this is more than I could ever hope for from him. Maybe some people would think he should do more, but I'm glad to have at least one parent even remotely trying to love me for who I am.
"I love you, kid," He says, wiping my tears away with the pad of this thumb. "Now, perk up! We have a bunch of good food to eat today!"
Liam cheers and runs for the kitchen, the two of us slowly following behind. I can't shake the feeling of happiness in my chest and even my mother seems infected by it as she joins us in the kitchen and happily smiles back when I thank her for the plate of food she serves up. Things aren't perfect by any means, but today of all days I'm glad to know we can still act like a family. I know it won't last and the happy facade will return to fights and tears and miscommunication, but for now I'm just happy to be able to sit at a table with my family and feel like I'm wanted there.
After a long day of good food and lots of family time, I finally get to retire to my bedroom around eight in the evening. Mom and dad decided to have some wine and relax in the living room with some Christmas movies--Liam already passed out on the floor in front of the TV by the time I got up to leave. I stop in the hall and see the light still on in Carter's room, who had left a little sooner than I had.
I go to knock, but hear his voice and for some reason I decide to wait to announce myself.
"It's hard, she loved Christmas so much," it sounds like he's crying and my chest tightens because I know he's talking about Aunt Julie. "Everything was okay, no one was fighting or pitying me, so it wasn't bad. I don't know, I think I just feel like I'm a bit on the outside here. I'm used to it just being me and mom."
I frown at his words. I want him to feel at home and welcome here, but I can understand where he's coming from. It's not his parents, or his brother, and he and I are close, but this isn't his traditional Christmas. It's always been he and his mom on Christmas morning, and this is his first without her. I miss her so terribly, so I can only imagine it's ten times harder for him to be without her today of all days.
He laughs suddenly, sniffling a bit afterwards, "Thanks, I needed that. Okay, I'll call you later... I love you."
My eyes widen, my face probably wearing a very hilarious expression of shock. Who on earth is he talking to? Who is he saying he loves? The way he spoke, it wasn't family. Whoever is on the other end of that phone call is definitely someone he has feelings for. But, Carter hasn't told me anything and I'm a little put off by that. Why wouldn't he tell me he had a boyfriend or girlfriend? We tell each other everything, or at least I thought we did.
I turn to leave, but suddenly the door opens and I'm face to face with an equally shocked Carter and I notice his cheeks turn a light shade of pink. "Oh! Theo, uh, how long have you been standing there?"
It seems like he doesn't want me to know, so I decide to play dumb, "I was just about to knock, you have weird timing. I was coming to get you, I want to show you something."
He looks relieved, "Oh, okay. Sure, what's up?"
I gesture for him to be quiet and follow me to my room where I close the door behind us and usher him over to my bed where he watches me get on my hands and knees and reach under the bed for the gift box. His eyes widen as he looks it over, reading the tag.
"Where'd this come from?" He questions, making me shrug.
"No idea, I was hoping your guess would be better than mine," I sigh, looking at the tag again thoughtfully. "Someone left it on the doorstep while I was home alone about a week ago. When I opened the door no one was around."
He shrugs and pushes it towards me. "Well, maybe the contents will give you a better clue. It's Christmas, so open up."
I bite my lip anxiously, holding the box as the anticipation builds up, "Is it weird that I'm nervous?"
He rolls his eyes, "Just do it, pussy."
I scrunch my nose at that and pinch the paper, tearing it in one clean rip, revealing a cardboard box with some polka dot tape sealing it. I grab some scissors off my desk and cut it open, pulling open the flaps to look inside. It looks like a... care package? There's a variety of chocolate and popcorn, a couple DVDs and a little stuffed bear. I notice, too, that the box is lined with a fuzzy blanket.
"This is adorable," Carter laughs, taking out the stuffed bear to put in my face. "Tell me you don't know exactly who this is."
I frown, "It doesn't mean it's Reed. This could easily be Violet or Rene. It's over-the-top enough to be Rick even."
"Wait, what's that?" Carter asks as he lifts the edge of the blanket to reveal there's another little box inside underneath it.
I pull the contents out and set them aside to look at the little box with a note taped to the top.
In case someone else opened this, I tried to hide the real present, but it's probably a dumb idea. Sorry if it doesn't work.
I tilt my head at the weird note and find a strange smile appearing on my face as I open the box and pull out the only item inside. My brows furrow in confusion as I try to figure out what it is. It's kind of like a vest or tank top, but the material tells me this isn't a typical article of clothing. I hold it out to Carter who looks at it weirdly, too, before it clicks.
"It's a binder," He says in surprise, making my eyes widen. "Yeah, someone on your tumblr commented on your picture asking if you use one so I looked them up. They're pretty expensive, dude."
This is meant to flatten my chest? That means whoever sent this knows that I'm transgender, but the fact they addressed this to Theo was enough to guess that. So, it's definitely not Lane. Like I said, it could be Rick or even Violet or Rene. It might make sense if one of the girls sent it, they're both pretty motherly at times. It's the note, though. Maybe I'm just hoping, but could it be him?
"I want to try it on, but I still can't with my ribs and all," I say, pouting slightly.
Carter frowns at that, "I think whoever it is, they're looking out for you. They know what happened with the bandages."
That rules out Violet.
The only people who I know were there the day I fell were Reed, Rene and Rick because he had driven us all to the hospital. That's what Carter told me later on anyway, I don't particularly remember the ride to the hospital.
If I want to know who sent this, I guess there's only one way to find out. Turning to Carter, I can tell he already doesn't like what I'm about to say. "I need your help."
A/N
Hey! What do you guys think so far? I've been waiting to write these upcoming chapters for so long I can't believe I've actually reached this point in the story already. Who do you think sent the package? Also, Theo can finally bind like the safe boi he should be lol
Sorry this chapter is a bit late, I've been a little under the weather this week, but at least a couple days late is better than a couple months or a year late again ahahah 💧💧 I love you guys though and I hope you're enjoying the story so far, I'm thinking there will be about ten more chapters maximum, maybe less depending on how much I can get into each chapter.
But, on that note, I do want to mention that there will be a second book coming afterwards! I've mentioned it before, but does anyone want to guess who the main character will be? And which gender identities and/or sexualities will be the highlight of the story? It's going to be an interesting mix.
ALSO, who do you think Carter was talking to? hahahah
okay, later lovelies!
~Shay<3