Out of all the places to be during the coronavirus pandemic, jail is probably the least ideal. Yet, Georgia is there for a reason. No, she isn't in trouble. But she knows someone who's in deep trouble...again.
"Thanks for coming to visit while I wait for trial!" Florida waves with a silly grin.
"Don't act so happy about being in jail again!" Georgia scolds her.
"Sorry. I'm still happy you came even though it's not necessary."
She sighs as she sets herself down at a table in the visiting hall. "As your only neighbor with a lick of common sense, I'm obligated to check on you, making sure you haven't done anything reckless like doing crack, shrooms, or both whiles sucking on people's toes."
"I don't get that crazy on drugs."
"Regardless, I figure you haven't done much to prepare for the pandemic, so I've done some shopping for your benefit."
"Aw, how sweet."
"Don't flatter me." She scowled. "What have you done to land in jail again? It can't be good, obviously."
"I mean," she blushes, "it's nothing big. Just arson, animal harassment, and possession of marijuana."
Georgia gives her a weird look. "I'm not surprised about arson and the Devil's lettuce. But I'm skeptical concerning the charge of animal harassment."
"It's a long story," Florida smirks. "You see, it happened two days ago..."
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"I was going to the nearest IHOP around 3 AM."
"That's quite early for breakfast."
"Well, I was smoking a couple of joints when I got the munchies," Florida explains. "I had this craving for bacon, but I was too lazy to cook. Also, my alligator ate everything in the fridge, so I had to search for a place that was serving cooked bacon. Thank God there was an IHOP close to where I lived. Otherwise, I would've died for real."
"No, you wouldn't."
She rolls her eyes. "At the restaurant, I ordered a giant plate of bacon with a side of chicken tenders and waffles because it looked sexy good on the menu. And while I was waiting for my food to be cooked and served, a man in his late twenties came into the restaurant with a lifesize cutout of Donald Trump. He looked sketchy as fuck."
"Please don't cuss." Georgia frowns.
"But he really looked sketchy as fuck!" she exclaims. "The moment the guy stepped into the restaurant, I swear I was high again from smelling whatever number of reefers he smoked. At first, I thought he was like me. I thought he had the bad case of the munchies, and his Floridan swamp cat ate all the bacon and pizza rolls in the fridge. If so, he must be desperate because he wasn't wearing pants."
"Pardon?"
"The dude only had on a shirt, a pair of underwear, and some socks with sandals," she recalls. "Yeah. Only guys that high wouldn't give a fuck about what they wear. His case of the munchies had to be that bad for him not to notice the other three customers at the counter who were staring at an outline of his junk underneath a thin layer of cotton. It was a MASSIVE distraction."
She groans, "Did you have to include that detail?"
"Yeah," she giggles. "It was the only thing I was thinking about while waiting for my food. I thought, 'Man, must be nice having a huge schlong.' If I had a huge schlong, I probably wouldn't give a shit about people staring at my package, too."
"You're such a shameless person..."
"Anyway, after being served my huge breakfast, I was about to dig in when the weird guy and his lifesize cutout of Donald Trump came to my table. He gave me a condom and offered to show me his genitals."
"Hold up!" Georgia stops her there. "Please tell me you left the restaurant immediately."
"Why would I leave? I was just served my plate of bacon! Yeah, I was weirded out by his offer. I had my gun in my purse. But then, I realized I left my purse at home. I was like, "Fuuuck! How am I going to pay for breakfast?" Because my wallet was also in my purse which was back home. So, I got pissed. I got so pissed, I stuffed a handful of bacon into my mouth to make myself feel better about my dumb ass."
"Aren't you forgetting the weird pervert?"
"I'm getting there, gal! Yeesh!" She lets out a sigh. "While I was stuffing a second handful of bacon into my mouth, the weird guy asked me to put the condom on his dick. I was like, "Why? Can't you do it yourself?" He told me, "Only hot girls can put condoms on my dick." And I thought, 'Aw, he thinks I'm hot.' I immediately liked him."
"That's not how flirting works!"
"After I put the condom on his dick—"
"Ew."
"Hey, at least I washed my hands before I did it," she huffs. "As I was saying, after putting the condom on his dick, he was suddenly enveloped in a ray of light. For a moment, I was blinded by the brightness. So, I got out a pair of sunglasses that were hanging from my tank top and put them on. Then, I could watch him transform from a homeless pervert to a super homeless pervert."
"What's the difference?"
"He wears a cape."
"Okay?"
"And he wields a machete he affectionately calls Kindness."
"How are you still alive?!"
"Don't worry, gal! As it turns out, the weird guy is actually Florida Man!"
"Florida Man? Really?" Unfortunately, this isn't the first time Georgia has heard of Florida Man. Nonetheless, the mention of his name leaves her anxious about where this story is heading. Already, she hates what she's hearing thus far.
Florida nods. "Yeah. Florida Man is sorta like Superman. Instead of taking off his disguise to be a hero, he has someone put a condom on him, so he can do cool superhero stuff like wielding a machete and riding a golf cart."
"I don't think he needs to wear a condom to do those things, nor do I think the things he does are superpowers..."
"Well, Florida Man told me the condom is for his protection."
"From unwanted pregnancies and STDs?"
She laughs, "No, silly. He needs the condom to protect himself from The Impaler."
"The Impaler sounds..."
"I know it's hard to believe. But believe me, The Impaler is not what you're thinking."
"Then, who is...he?"
"The Impaler is a day-walking vampire who's also a professional wrestler, politician, and profound worshipper of Lucifer and the goddess Hecate."
She blinks her eyes. "Are you high?"
"Nope! I'm clean as my butthole!" she chirps. "The Impaler is a bad guy who likes to drink blood from teenage girls, women, cows, and pigs. And recently, he has taken a liking for sea cows!"
"Sea cows..." Georgia utters in a deadpan tone.
"I know, right! How disgusting!" She pouts. "I can't believe The Impaler is dastardly enough to feed off manatees and transform them into his personal army of zombie sea cows to pollute the surrounding waters of my home and infect my citizens!"
"Please stop." She can feel her head pounding in pain the longer the story goes on.
Yet, the Floridian continues her story without any intention to stop soon. "Florida Man tried to foil The Impaler's evil plan on his own. First, he used his magical machete to chop the vampire's fucking arms off. Then, he would've made the finishing blow, cutting The Impaler's head off in a single swing. But The Impaler caught him off guard with a kick to the crotch. The condom broke which left Florida Man powerless, enabling The Impaler to flee along with his army of vampiric manatees.
At that point, Florida Man recognized he couldn't defeat The Impaler on his own. He asked his sidekick—the lifesize cutout of Donald Trump—to find me. Thus, they came to IHOP and found me eating my breakfast, asking me once again to save the world from The Impaler and his evil plans. Crazy, right?"
She breathes out a tired sigh, "Please tell me you didn't believe everything he said and declined to join him."
Florida laughs, "Why would I decline his request when he offered to pay for my breakfast?"
Georgia facepalms. "You're so stupid..."
~ Florida Man! ~
"Obviously, the manatees weren't at fault for turning into blood-drinking monsters," Florida tells the jaded Georgian. "Florida Man wanted to kill them, but I told him it was possible to save the manatees. If we could get a sample of The Impaler's blood, we could make an antidote that would revert the manatees into innocent herbivores."
"That doesn't make any sense." Georgia scowls.
"It does make sense. It's just you don't get it."
"Don't insult my intelligence!"
"Once I transformed into my disguise as 'Florida Woman', the three of us went to a hospital. According to Trump, The Impaler was there to recover from massive blood loss after fighting Florida Man. If that was the case, we really needed to stop that crazy vampire bastard before he became strong enough to continue his diabolical plans.
However, there was a problem. We didn't know which room The Impaler was in. We figured we get the receptionist to tell us. I told her we were his relatives. But the receptionist was pretty smart because she asked what was our relation to him. I freaked out and told her I was his grandma. Like, doh!" She smacks her forehead. "Of course, she didn't believe me. I didn't even look old enough to act like a MILF!
When that didn't work, we went with our backup plan. We told the receptionist Donald Trump needed dialysis because his kidneys were super filthy. Like, yuck! The swamp needed to be drained, ya know. But for some reason, the receptionist started acting like a bitch. She threatened to call security if we didn't leave. That seriously offended me. Like, this was the president! His life was on the line!"
"You know that lifesize cutout is made out of cardboard and doesn't have any kidneys, right?"
"So, what? He's still the president! He has every right to stay healthy!"
She sighs, "Never mind. Just continue your dumb story."
"When Donald Trump couldn't get his dialysis, he used his executive powers as president, demanding the receptionist allow him medical treatment as well as tell him where The Impaler was, or else she would be fired from her job. Despite his demands, the receptionist had enough and called security to kick us out of the hospital. Like, what a hoe!
At that point, Florida Man had enough of her bullshit. Suddenly, literal shit hit the fan. Florida Man summoned cow manure from his hands and dumped all that shit on the receptionist's head. Like, whoa! She didn't deserve shit, but she totally deserved that shit. Ya know what I mean? Anyway, she ran off screaming in tears with all that shit on her hair and clothes. Which yeah, that reaction was understandable. If I got shit on my head, I would totally freak the fuck out, too."
"Can you refrain from such excessive language?"
"Sorry. I got carried away there." She rubs the back of her neck with a blush. "I managed to get behind the receptionist's desk and find The Impaler's room on the sixth floor. That was good to know. However, we then had another problem in the form of six beefy security guards.
Florida Man wanted to kill all of them with Kindness, but I was like, "Dude! Don't kill them! Summon a shit storm!" And he was like, "Sorry. I could only use that power once a day." And I was like, "Motherfucker!" Trump said, "Lame."
There was no way we were getting arrested by low-tier policemen. We got out of there as fast as we could run in sandals. Luckily, we got to the elevator before the guards could get us. That brought us some time to breathe and plan out our next move.
I told Florida Man we needed to create a distraction somewhere on the lower floors while one of us went to the sixth floor to find The Impaler. Surprisingly, Trump volunteered to be the distraction against Florida's Man's protests. "No! You've been my best friend for eight years!" Florida Man cried. But Trump was, like, "Sad." I knew Trump's mind couldn't be changed. And reluctantly, Florida Man knew that, too.
All of a sudden, Florida confessed his love to Donald Trump. He gave Trump a big kiss on the lips and would've done more if the elevator kept going up. I took Trump with me out of the elevator, leaving Florida Man to go up to the sixth floor on his own.
I pulled Donald Trump into the nearest room on the fourth floor and closed the door behind me. There were two hospital beds. One of them was empty. The other had a sleeping patient. I laid the lifesize cutout down on the empty bed before pulling a bottle of booze out of the purse I was carrying—"
"Don't tell me!" Georgia gapes at her. "You actually—"
"Yep!" She nods her head. "I set Donald Trump on fire!"
"Don't say that too loudly!" she hisses.
The jail guards in the visiting hall give the women strange looks, but they don't do anything to disrupt them.
As such, Florida continues her story. "Despite using only half a bottle of vodka, the inferno was big enough to set off the fire alarms. The nurses were just as shocked as the other hospital patient seeing the hospital bed on fire. While they went to get help, I somehow snuck out of there without detection. The fiery distraction allowed me to get away from the chaos, using the stairs to make the rest of the journey up to the sixth floor where Florida Man and The Impaler were at.
Surprisingly, it was easy finding them because I saw a nurse run out of a hospital room, screaming her head off. I quickly went inside that room and found it covered in blood. Like, honestly, it was bad. It looked bad. It smelled bad. I wanted to puke and run out of the room like that nurse.
I saw Florida Man stabbing The Impaler's decapitated body with Kindness. For a moment, I thought, 'That's fucked up.' Yet, I kept watching until I heard shouting nearby. I told Florida Man we needed to get out of here. We would've gone out the way we came, but the security guards were already on the sixth floor. I had to close the door to prevent the guards from seeing what happened in the room for better or worse. In either case, we were trapped, or so I thought.
There was a window. Florida Man told me we could escape through there. I told him, "Nah! We're on the sixth floor!" He told me, "I can fly." I was like, "Shut the fuck up! Really?" He said, "You rather stay here, then?"
I thought he was crazy until I remembered the zombie manatees. They were still in pain. They still needed help. Looking back at The Impaler's decapitated body, I suddenly remembered something I forgot to put in my purse before coming here—vials and syringes. There wasn't much time to collect blood. In a panic, I grabbed The Impaler's head and stuffed it into my purse. Which yeah, that was nasty. But it was better than carrying it in my arms. I had no other choice!
By the time the guards barged into the room, I was already with Florida Man committing pseudo suicide out the window. If Florida Man's flying golf cart didn't catch us in time, we would've been flatter than Kansas's chest. The story would've ended there."
"I wish it ended there," Georgia grumbles.
~ Florida Man! ~
"By the power of science—"
"You mean, science fiction."
"Same thing." Florida rolls her eyes. "Anyway, I made an antidote from The Impaler's blood that could revert the zombie manatees to normal manatees. Once that was done, Florida Man took me on his high-powered jet ski to the cove that contained the vampiric manatees. For a while, we were lost because Florida Man found a zombie bird trapped in a wire net. Not only did we save the bird from choking on the net, but we also treated it with the antidote which actually worked!"
"Now that's what I call bull."
"Whatever. That's your opinion." She shrugs. "Though we saved the bird, we forgot where we were going, so we kinda got lost looking everywhere for those blood-sucking sea cows. That sucked major balls.
It took us hours, but we finally found the group of ugly manatees in a small cove. There were only fifteen of them, however, they were quite vicious! This momma manatee was charging at me in the water. That monster could've bitten me and turned me into a were-manatee or something creepy like that. Of course, they were still sea cows. Though zombified, they were still fat slowpokes. There was no way they could kill people. Nonetheless, I was sure they were in pain. And it was up to me to save them from their torment!"
"If not for this wacky story, you almost sound like Oregon for a second," she mumbles.
"Aw, thanks!" She smiles. "As expected, the antidote was working. The manatees were turning back to normal. That was good. While I was healing the manatees, however, the ground suddenly shook. I was like, "Whoa! Earthquake!" But no, it wasn't an earthquake. Coming out of a giant fissure, guess who it was?"
Georgia sighs, "The Impale—"
"It was The Impaler!" Florida shouts, waving her arms wildly. "I couldn't believe it! How was that pasty old dude still alive? Well, remember what I told you about him worshipping Hecate?"
"How could I forget that detail?" she says sarcastically.
"So, Hecate is the goddess of magic, witchcraft, and all sorts of dark stuff," she explains. "After Florida Man chopped his head off and stabbed him in the heart, The Impaler should've died permanently. However, his death allowed him to meet Hecate in the Underworld. Because he was her follower, she used necromancy to resurrect him which was bullshit! That thot had to ruin everything for us!
I was like, "What the fuck? We worked so hard to kill you!" The Impaler laughed, "Oh, that's too bad! Prepare to die, pathetic God-worshipping mortals!" Florida Man was like, "Fuck you! I'm gonna put an end to this!"
He was about ready to fight another round when The Impaler summoned the lifesize cutout of Donald Trump out of the ground. Of course, Florida Man hesitated because that was his bae. "Impossible!" Florida Man shouted. "Why do you have him?"
The Impaler laughed again. "Jokes on you! While I was in the Underworld, I met with Lucifer who was planning on putting Trump's soul in the eighth circle of Hell. However, I managed to convince him not to do it, telling him I could make Trump's punishment much worse. From now on, Donald Trump was to be my accomplice by contract!"
"Oh no..." Georgia fakes her dismay.
"Oh no, indeed! Florida Man and I didn't want to believe it. But it was true! The Impaler showed us the contract as proof. If Florida Man wanted to save his sidekick/lover, he needed to defeat The Impaler, so he could get Trump back. Otherwise, The Impaler was going to make Trump's life a living hell. And with another evil laugh, Trump and The Impaler disappeared in a puff of smoke that smelled like weed.
Immediately, I knew what to do. I told Florida Man I could handle the vampiric sea cows on my own, so he could rescue his sidekick/lover from The Impaler. Florida Man was hesitant to leave me alone. But I told him, "Don't be a pussy! Be a man and get your husbando back from that pedo-vampire!" He was like, "You're right! I need to save the love of my life before The Impaler turns gay and feeds on my bae's ballsack!" And in the speed of light, Florida Man ran off into the sunset to find and save Donald Trump from The Impaler."
"That's the end of it, right?" Georgia checks the clock on the wall.
"Not quite," she says confidently. "After Florida Man left, I continued doing my job, curing the manatees of their vampiric infection. But as I finishing things up, wildlife patrol officers found me and saw what I was doing. I tried telling them I was helping the manatees, but they still arrested me for 'harassing' the sea cows."
"So, that's why you're charged with animal harassment."
"Yeah." Florida pouts. "At least the manatees are feeling better and don't crave blood."
Georgia gets up from the table. "Well, I'm glad I haven't lost too many brain cells listening to another crazy story you've concocted from your drug hallucinations."
"Is it time for you to leave already?"
"I'm afraid so."
"Alright. Thanks for visiting." Florida gets up to hug her.
But Georgia quickly pulls away. "No, don't touch me!"
"Oh, right. The coronavirus. I gotchu," she giggles.
"When you get out of jail, you better go home and behave yourself until this pandemic is over. I don't want to hear this kind of story again."
"Alright. I'll be a good girl from now on." Florida smiles, waving her goodbye.
~ Florida Man! ~
"Next!" the Floridian judge calls on the next case. As she's looking up from her papers, they recognize a familiar face and groans, "Not you again."
Florida waves. "¡Hola (Hello)!
"Wait a minute." The judge looks back at her files in confusion. "I already fined you $16,500 for arson, animal harassment, and possession of marijuana twelve hours ago."
"About that..." Florida chuckles with a blush. "After I paid the fine, I wanted to treat the policemen since they were so nice to me while I was in jail. I figured policemen like donuts, so I went to a donut shop for some donuts. However, I didn't have my credit card with me for some reason. I told the donut shop I would pay later, but they wouldn't believe me. One thing led to another and... At least, I got the nice policemen a box of donuts. Hehe."
The judge facepalms. "Unbelievable..."
~ Hetalia! ~
Hey, hey, papa, get me a Coke!
Hey, hey, mama, hey, hey, mama!
I cannot forget the taste of that
Shrimp and grits I ate so long ago!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Hello, I'm Georgia!
Draw a circle, that's the Earth!
Looking closely, that's the Earth!
Or maybe, that's the Earth?
I am the Peach State!
Ah, with just a brushstroke,
A wonderful world can be seen!
The Empire State of the South!
I am Georgia!
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+ Florida Man is an Internet meme that was popularized in 2013, referring to various unrelated news articles describing crazy people who hail from or live in Florida. Florida Man is often interpreted as the same idiot committing weird acts. One Twitter feed describes Florida Man as the "World's Worst Superhero."
- There are many Florida Man reports in Florida that seem to occur daily. Some speculation for why that is can be attributed to public records laws giving journalists fast and easy access to police reports, a relatively high and diverse population of the state, highly variable weather, and a lack of mental health funding. Though Florida Man is generally meant to be comedic—to make fun of the weirdness going on in Florida—some journalists criticize the meme for simplifying the travails of the drug-addicted, mentally ill, and homeless.
+ In this episode, I've made Florida Man their own character—a personification of the bizarre chaos that happens in the Sunshine State. Some of the actions he and Florida have done are based on news headlines that occurred at the beginning of 2020.
- Florida man repeatedly offers to show IHOP patrons his genitals, condoms
- Florida man upset he can't bring life-sized Donald Trump cutout to dialysis
- Florida man dumped cow manure over someone's head, deputies say
- Florida man sets hospital bed on fire to get nurse's attention, police says
- Florida man on jet ski goes missing trying to save bird
- Drone video shows Florida man harassing a group of manatees
- Florida man arrested the same day he's released from prison
- Regarding Florida Man's nemesis, The Impaler is actually based on a real person named Jonathon Sharkey. The stuff about him drinking blood and worshipping Hecate, it isn't made-up. I'm not kidding. If anyone doesn't believe me, feel free to look his name up.
~
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