JANA
NANGINGINIG ang mga kamay ko. I can feel my knees shaking too. Nandito lang ako at nakaupo sa kama ko habang pinagmamasdan si Lucy na binabasa ang kontrata namin ni Zild. She's even reading the girls 'types' of Zild na sinulat at dinikit ko din sa pader.
I took a deep breath. Is she going to be mad? Upset? Baka naman sa sobrang galit nito, ayawan na niya ako bilang kaibigan. Dahil sa ginawa ko kay Celestine, it was like I also revealed my goal. Hindi lang sa kanya, kundi maging sa lahat ng students ng AU.
Napasapo na lang ako sa noo ko. Why am I stupid? Hayst.
I looked at Lucy when she turned her back and faced me. Seryoso ang mukha niya kaya napaiwas na lang ako ng tingin. I knew it, magagalit siya. "Sorry for not telling you about that." Sabi ko and silently thanked God dahil hindi ako nautal.
But I was taken aback when she suddenly clapped her hands while smiling from ear to ear. "Oh my! Kinikilig talaga ako!" Kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi niya.
"H-Ha?" Because of her unexpected reaction, I stuttered.
Hinila niya ako at pinalapit sa mga tipo ni Zild na sinulat at dinikit ko sa pader. She began pointing them then looked at me. Bigla na lang siyang tumalon-talon dahilan para mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko. "Simple? A girl who can laugh with her heart? Open minded? Smart? Wahhhh! Jana! You have all of these! Ikaw ang girl na 'yun!" I frowned because of what she said. Me? That kind of girl?
Natahimik ako sa sinabi niya. Then I realized that some of those are really one of my characteristics. Like being simple and smart. Lahat ng kaba ko kanina, bigla na lang naglaho. I raised a brow. "And so?" Binatukan niya naman ako so I looked at her. "Aray ko! Bakit ba?!"
She slowly shook her head. "You're so bobo talaga! I don't know kung paano ka naging valedictorian. What I mean is, you're are this kind of girl. And that means, you're the girl for him!" Sabi niya at ngumisi. Natigilan ako dahil doon. Me? The girl for Zild?
"If you're finding a perfect girl for Zild, write Jana Tolentino on the list."
Napasapo ako sa noo ko ng maalala ang sinabi noon sa akin ni Hollie. I also remembered what Darren told me. He told me that I like him. What the hell is wrong with these people? Bakit palagi nila akong ipina-partner sa lalaking iyon? I don't like him!
"I-I'm sorry."
All of a sudden, that voice whispered to my ears again. The voice of the little boy. Napahawak ako sa balikat ni Lucy ng bigla na lang sumakit ang ulo ko. N-No.. not again.
"J-Jana? Are you okay?" Narinig ko ang pag-aalala sa tono ng boses ni Lucy.
Magsasalita pa sana ako pero bigla na lang bumukas ang pintuan ng kwarto ko and Yaya's head popped in. "Naghanda ako ng meryend—Jana? Ayos ka lang ba?" Pumasok na ng tuluyan si Yaya kaya umayos ako agad ng tayo. I looked at Lucy to tell her not to speak. Nag-iwas lang siya ng tingin so I looked at Yaya who's looking at me with worry.
"O-Opo 'ya. Susunod na din po kami sa baba." Sabi ko. I smiled at her at mukhang naniwala naman na ayos lang ako. Pagkalabas niya ng pinto ay agad akong napahawak ulit sa balikat ni Lucy para humingin ng suporta. She immediately held my arms and guided me to my bed. Umupo ako doon at agad siyang umupo sa tabi ko.
I am having a headache again pero hindi masyadong masakit ngayon. Nahihilo din ako. Hindi ako nakakarinig ng mga boses at nakakakita ng malalabong larawan sa utak ko.
"J-Jana.." I looked at Lucy whose still looking at me with worry. "Lumalala na.." Dagdag niya pa. Tumawa lang ako at tumango sa sinabi niya.
I am aware of that. Alam kong hindi na lang dahil sa init ito o kung ano pa man. I know na may mas malalim pang dahilan. But I don't think that it was an illness or some disease because if it was, I should have died years ago. Pero hindi, nangyayari na ito sa akin with almost all the years of my life. Pero kung hindi, ano ito?
"Magpa-check up ka na kaya? Seek some doctor." Suggestion ni Lucy. Kitang kita ko ang pag-aalala sa mukha niya.
"I-I'm okay. No need to consult a doctor." Sabi ko at napapikit ng mariin when my head hurts again.
Nagulat na lang ako when I heard Lucy's sobs. Nang tignan ko siya, she already crying. "P-Please, ayokong maulit ang nangy-yari sayo sa US n-noon. I n-nearly died just by l-looking at you l-lying on that bed u-unconciously." She said at napanganga na lang ako. She held my hand so tight and looked at me with her pleading eyes. "P-Please..."
Sambit niya at bigla kong naalala ang nangyari sa akin noon. Just five years ago, this headache attacked me. Masakit ito. Sobra. Iba't ibang malalabong larawan din ang nakikita ko sa utak ko while I also hear different voices whispering in my ears. It was very painful to the point that I thought I'm gonna die. I lost my conciousness.
Nagising na lang ako na may nakaturok na dextrose sa akin but I was still in my room, lying in my bed. Hindi nila ako pinadala sa hospital. Instead, they called a doctor to come over our house. And I almost stopped from breathing when they said that I was sleeping for three days. Three. Fucking. Days. I was dumbfounded. Hindi ako makapaniwala. I tried asking Papa or any of my brothers but none of them can even say a senseful answer. That's why I just let it that way. Headaches and fainting. Gano'n na ang naging ikot. And I never consulted a doctor before. We have a family doctor back in abroad at palagi nitong sinasabi na baka over fatigue lang daw or dahil sa init ng panahon. I will just nod.
But then, I felt something odd. I know that my brothers and Papa are hiding something from me. Hindi ko din alam kung nagsasabi ba ng totoo ang doctor na 'yon. And now, I think I need to consider of seeking some help from a doctor with my own.
Pinunasan ko ang luha ni Lucy at mahinang ngumiti. "Okay." Sabi ko at ngumiti na lang din siya.
We ate after that and had a little conversation after she left our house. Napabuntong hininga na lang ako at pumasok na sa bahay matapos ko siyang ihatid sa gate.
Pagkapasok ko, nakita ko si Yaya na nag-aabang sa sala. Ngumiti siya so I smiled back. "Okay ka lang ba talaga?" Tanong ni Yaya kaya tumango na lang ako. I know that she can sense if something wrong is going on with me but she also knows how to close her mouth and stop asking kung alam niyang ayaw ko itong ipaalam sa kanya.
Umupo ako sa tabi niya ng may maalala ako. "Yaya, hindi pala ako makakapasok po bukas." Sabi ko at agad na kumunot ang noo niya.
"Bakit naman?"
Napakagat labi ako. "Hmm.. k-kasi po bibisitahin ko po 'yung kaibigan ko na na-hospital." Sabi ko at sinampal ang sarili ko dahil sa excuse na sinabi ko.
"Hindi ba pwedeng sa Sabado na lang?"
"Hindi po!" Mukhang nagulat pa si Yaya sa sandaling pagtaas ng boses ko. Napakamot na lang ako sa batok ko. "Lalabas na po kasi siya sa Biyernes."
Tumango-tango lang si Yaya. "Alam na ba 'yan ng Papa mo?" I froze with that question. Iniisip ko kasing magpa-check up ng mag-isa. I don't want to doubt Papa pero I have this feeling inside me na may mas malalim pang dahilan kung bakit ako nagkakaganito.
"H-Hindi na po. Hindi naman po niya kilala 'yun eh." Sabi ko. Yaya only nodded and said 'Sige'. I only smiled and went upstairs.
Nagbasa lang ako ng libro sa taas bilang pampalipas oras. Pagkatapo ng ilang minuto, tinawag na din ako ni Yaya dahil kakain na kami. I went downstairs and ate my dinner. Nagulat pa si Yaya dahil ang konti lang ng kinain ko. I drank my milk fast too. Siguro wala lang talaga ako sa mood na kumain ng madami. In fact, wala talaga akong gana but I forced myself para hindi naman masayang ang niluto ni Yaya.
I only sat at my bed for how many minutes at humiga na din. Naalala ko na naman ang mga nangyayari this past few days kaya napabuntong hininga na lang ako. I took Madrigal out of the list with the fact that I was hoping na siya na ang para kay Zild so this contract will stop now. But what did I do? Napabuga ako ng hangin. Now, I need to find an another girl again.
I closed my eyes ng maramdaman ko ang antok. Bago ako makatulog, I heard that boy's voice again.
"I'm sorry."
---
Doc. Ramirez. I sighed when I finally found the door of that doctor. He's the doctor na sinabi sa akin ni Hollie. She said that this doctor is good at siya din ang family doctor nila Hollie.
I knocked three times before entering the his office. I saw a man with his late 40's pero maganda pa din ang pangangatawan. "Good morning po." I greeted.
He flashed a smile. "Good morning. You must be Miss Jana Tolentino?" Tumango lang ako. Sinabi niyang maupo ako kaya umupo ako. It looks like Hollie already told him that I am coming. And she was right, their doctor is generous and kind.
Ngumiti na naman siya sa akin. "So, how can I help you?"
As if on cue, I started talking to him about my situation. Nakikinig lang siya ng tahimik habang sinasabi ko ang nangyayari sa akin. I told him kung gaano kasakit ang nararamdaman ko.
"How old are you when you started feeling this kind of headache?" Tanong niya habang nagsusulat siya sa isang notebook. He's taking down notes.
Nag-isip naman ako. Ilang taon? "I think I was 9 or 10 years old when it all started." Sabi ko at nakita kong natigilan siya.
His smile faded and looked at me. "You are so young to feel that kind of pain." Sabi niya and showed a sympathetic smile. I weakly smiled at nag-iwas saglit ng tingin. He said that na para bang naaawa siya sa akin. Oh well, naaawa din naman ako sa sarili ko. "Mukhang hindi lang pangkaraniwang sakit ng ulo ito ayon sa description na sinasabi mo." He said and I nodded. He looked at me and to his notes then looked at me again. "You said that while this headache is happening, you also see blurry images and hear different voices?" Tanong niya at agad akong tumango.
"Opo. But I can't tell kung sino ang mga taong nandoon. Masyado pong malabo and I can't even distinguish those voices." Sabi ko at tumango-tango siya.
Kumunot ang noo ko ng tumayo siya at sinenyasan akong sumunod sa kanya. We left his office and went to a room. Na-realize kong sasailalim pala ako sa CTs scan. Hindi naman ako umangal.
I undergone some tests bago kami bumalik sa office niya. "May idea na po ba kayo kung anong nangyayari sa akin?" Tanong ko agad ng makaupo ako. He looked at his notebook again and then to me.
"Yes. Pero hindi pa ako sigurado. I still need to study some tests." Sabi niya at napabuntong hininga na lang ako. So this will not be my last day here, huh? "But I think those blurry images na sinasabi mo ay hindi lang basta-basta." Sabi niya so I frowned. Hindi lang basta-basta?
"Kung gano'n po, ano po 'yung mga 'yon?"
He sighed. "Your memories."