I hadn't heard from her in exactly eighteen days. Eighteen days since I had last heard her voice. To me, it felt like a lifetime. I had no idea how she was doing. I was slowly losing my mind. It didn't help that she had I were not only miles apart literally, but emotionally as well. She had finally had enough. I didn't really blame her. I had inadvertently led her on because I was too blind to realize the truth. Nick was never the one, she was.
I was cleaning up after dinner when I heard the phone ring. My first inclination was to ignore it, but for whatever reason I answered it anyway. It was an unfamiliar number and it was late. I guess curiosity got the best of me. I pressed the answer button and steeled myself for whatever unfortunate news I'd receive.
"Hello?" I said as I picked up the phone.
"Hi." She rasped.
The second I heard her voice, I nearly fell to my knees.
"Demi?" I choked. "Oh my god." I said as the tears immediately started to stream down my face. "Are you ok? Are they treating you well?"
I stopped what I was doing and sat on the floor in the middle of my kitchen. I was shaking. I was a complete wreck. One word from her and I had fallen apart completely.
"I'm fine." She said gently. "Selena...I..."
"Shhhh." I interrupted. "Just exist with me for a minute." I said as I closed my eyes.
We both sat on the phone in silence. I could hear her ragged breaths when she started to cry. I had never felt the level of relief that came with hearing her voice on phone.
"I've spent the last nineteen days..." She struggled through her tears.
"Eighteen." I corrected. "It's been eighteen days."
"I've spent the last eighteen days trying to figure out what I was going to say you." She said as her voice strained with emotion. "There aren't words that could ever explain to you how sorry I am."
"It's ok." I whispered.
"No it's not." She hitched. "There's no excuse."
"I forgive you." I whispered.
"You shouldn't."
"But I do."
"Why?"
"Because I know you. I know what's in your heart."
"I've really fucked up Sel." She cried. "I don't know who I am anymore. I just hurt. I can't numb the pain so I just feel everything...and it fucking hurts."
"I know it does." I soothed.
"I can't do this alone..." She said as she sucked in a deep breath.
"You're not alone. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." I said trying to put her at ease.
"I was terrified that I'd lost you. That after everything I'd done you'd given up on me." She explained.
"I would never give up on you." I whispered "You have me. I'm yours."
"There are so many things I need to say to you." Her voice cracked.
"We've got time."
"I'm gonna fix this. I'm gonna fix me. I'll make this up to you, I don't care if it takes my whole damn life. It's all yours Selena."
"Don't worry about that right now." I said as I chewed my bottom lip. "Worry about you. I'm fine."
"I don't have much time...I just needed to hear your voice."
"I'm right here." I whispered. "Always."
"I've gotta go." She said as her voice strained with emotion before she hung up.
I let my phone fall to floor as I sat there shaking. I couldn't move. As I tried to process what had just happened, I couldn't help but smile. She didn't hate me.
Four days later I was on a plane to Illinois to see her. I had no idea what to expect. My emotions were all over the place and I could barely contain the physical excitement I felt toward being able to reach out and touch her. I had been deprived of her existence for far too long.
I checked into the facility and once all the rules of what I could and couldn't do were explained and I'd indicated that I understood them, I was led into a rather large plain looking room full of tables and chairs and told to take a seat. I could barely sit still as I waited. My heart jumped when the door opened and she walked into the room. She smiled immediately.
I stood up as she walked toward me. I immediately felt my chest ball up at the sight of her. I didn't mean to start crying, but I did. I was so relieved to see her. I melted the second her arms wrapped around me and pulled me against her chest. I inhaled her familiar scent and held onto her like I'd never see her again. It felt like coming home.
She mumbled something that I didn't understand as I stood there clinging to her. Neither one of us wanted to be the first to move. When I finally had the strength to let go, I pulled back and took in her appearance. She looked good. For the first time in almost two years, she was completely sober and on her way to being healthy.
She took my hand and pulled me toward a table. She pulled out a chair and gestured for me to sit.
She sat across from me and stared intently. Her brown eyes were full of wonder and complete devotion. When it dawned on me that she was looking at me that way, I almost couldn't breathe. I knew from that moment on, nothing would be the same. I couldn't tell you when the emotion I felt for her shifted from want to need, but it did and I was tired of fighting of it. I needed her. I needed this.
"Do you know how how beautiful you are?" She asked as she continued to gaze at me like I was the answer to every question she ever had.
I blushed and shook my head slightly. "It's good to see you."
"I'm happy right now." She sighed softly. "You have no idea how much I've missed you."
"I'm pretty sure I have an idea..." I smiled.
"Thank you." She said gently.
We both knew there was more behind those two words than either of us could possibly explain.
"You're welcome."
She continued to practically hold me with her eyes as a comfortable silence stretched between us. The way was she was looking at me made me feel exposed and vulnerable. It was like she could see inside me, and all of my secrets were no longer mine. They were hers now.
"How have you been Sel?" She asked
"Going crazy. I've been worried sick." I answered truthfully.
"Me too." She sighed. "Except I'm literally crazy. Like, take your little cup of pills twice a day crazy." She added with an almost grin.
"Really?"
"Yes." She nodded. "Really."
"Good to know."
"It's honestly a relief." She said as absentmindedly tapped her fingertips on the table. "It explains a lot of things."
"Are you feeling better?"
"Kind of. I've got a ways to go. One day at a time." She grinned.
"You sound like a fortune cookie." I teased.
I smiled when she threw her head back and laughed. Her eyes had a playful light in them.
"I heard a song the other day that reminded me of you." She said as she pushed her hair out of her face.
"What song." I asked curiously.
"I'm not telling." She smiled. "Just know that there's a song that every time it's played, it makes me think about you and everything you mean to me."
"What do I mean to you?" I asked softly.
"Everything." She said as she looked into my eyes.
There was no hesitation, only certainty. I felt all my walls tumble down. I didn't need to protect myself from her anymore. I wanted all of it. All of the darkness, the sadness, and her weakness. I could handle it. I wanted all of her.
"I have something I need to tell you." She said snapping me out of my thoughts.
"I'm listening."
"Actually...it can wait for a little while." She said gently.
"It must not be that important." I shrugged.
"It is. I figure there are some things that you shouldn't rush. You gotta give them time. This is one of those things. I'm going to do this right Selena. I owe you that."
"What exactly are we doing?" I asked.
"Taking a chance."
"On what?"
"The future."
"Ours?" I asked trying to fight a smile.
"Yes." She nodded slowly.
"I brought you something." I said shyly as I reached across the table and took her hand.
"I bet I know what it is." She smiled.
"What are you willing to bet?" I asked playfully.
"The question here, is what are you willing to lose when I go and retrieve the guitar you brought for me?" She smirked.
"How did you..."
"Because I know you." She interrupted gently.
***
For the next five months, this became my routine. I traveled by plane every weekend after work to see her for two hours on Saturday then two hours on Sunday. Then I'd fly back to LA for work on Monday. It was exhausting and completely grueling, but it was worth it. She was worth it.
I talked to her a lot over the phone. She had her good days and bad days. It took a while for her to adjust to the medication. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder as well as anxiety and depression. She had a lot going on. Despite all of that, she opened her heart to me. She told me her dreams, fears, and all about the things that made her happy. It was amazing. There wasn't a single part of her that I didn't know anymore.
In turn, I gave her all of me. I gave her everything there was. She craved every single detail and I handed it over without hesitation. She was the one. I had fallen completely and madly in love with her.
I was in the middle of packing when I heard the doorbell ring. Normally I'd rush down to answer it, but getting this suitcase packed was my first priority. I needed to get to the airport. I needed to get to Demi. It rang again which I found annoying so I stopped what I was doing and stomped down the stairs.
I opened the door and nearly yelped. Demi stood there holding a dozen yellow roses with a smirk on her face. I immediately jumped into her arms. She held me tightly as I took a deep breath and inhaled her scent.
"What are you doing here!?" I asked as I held her tightly.
"I wanted to surprise you." She chuckled.
"I was on my way to see you." I breathed.
"I figured it was my turn to come see you." She grinned.
The next thing she did was probably one of my favorite memories. She kissed me. It was the first time I'd ever kissed a woman and it was the first time I'd ever kissed her. I've experienced my fair share of kisses but this one...tore me to pieces. It wasn't enough. She could kiss me forever and it still wouldn't be enough. She tasted like cherry Chapstick and mint gum. It was intoxicating.
It was the kind of pain that once you felt it, you never forget it. It was the best kind. I was defenseless against her. She had completely conquered me with a single kiss. She claimed me as hers and I didn't even care to put up fight. I just let her have me. There was only one other thing that could hurt as much as having her, and that was losing her.
I dropped the roses and thread my fingers in the hair at the nape of her neck. I felt her hands on my ass as she lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around her waist.
"Bed." I panted between kisses. "Now."
She silenced me with her lips as she moved us into the house. We crashed into the walls and furniture, but none of it mattered. It was just stuff. The only thing that mattered, was what we were doing right now. I wanted to feel her in the deepest parts of my soul.
"Get undressed." She rasped as she laid me on the bed and stood up.
"Take off your shoes and stay awhile." I whispered as I bit my bottom lip.
She smiled and kicked off her boots, before stripping out of her clothes. I'd seen her naked before so this wasn't really new to me, it was the context of how it was happening that gave me heart palpitations. What we were about to do was completely uncharted territory for me and I was slightly nervous. She was absolutely beautiful though and I don't think I'd desired another human being me as much as I wanted her.
She took complete control. Not only was she the more dominate person, but she also knew what she was doing. The sensations and the pleasure she gave me were unlike anything I'd experienced. She took her time and loved me completely until I was breathless and satisfied. As I laid underneath her trying to catch my breath, I understood for the first time in my life what it meant to bound to someone. This was it for me. She was it. There was no going back.
She had me lulled into a complete state of exhaustion. My limbs felt heavy and my muscles weak.
"I could use a cigarette." She grinned.
I frowned. "You'll have to go outside."
"Nah." She chuckled. "I quit."
"You're quitting all sorts of things these days." I teased as I rolled over onto my stomach.
She reached over and ran her fingertips down the length of my back. My body responded instantly. Her calloused fingertips gave me the chills. She had a guitarists hands and I loved them.
"The only thing I'm not quitting is you." She said as she leaned in and gave me kiss.
"You better not." I sighed as I laid there content.
"You remember when I said I had something important I needed to tell you?" She asked softly.
"Mmm hmmm." I mumbled as my eyes fluttered closed.
"Selena." She said gently. "Open your eyes. I need you to look at me."
I opened them and looked over at the woman laying next to me. I felt myself shiver at the intensity that rested in her eyes. She didn't have to speak for me to understand what rested in their depths. Love. Complete, honest and true love.
"I love you." She whispered.
It was a simple declaration and it hit me hard. Love never meant as mush to me as it did in that moment. Hearing it fall from her lips meant everything to me. That would be the second time that she would manage to knock the wind out of me.
"I love you too Demi."