Juice couldn't remember the last time he woke up in someone's arms. A little dazed, he stared at the muscular tattooed arm that was draped across his stomach, the knuckles resting on the mattress. Behind him, he heard a soft breathing slightly brushing his neck, causing goose bumps.
Snippets of memories of last night slowly seeped into his sleepy brain. He remembered how they'd kissed; not only their lips, also each other's upper bodies. His lips had even wandered across Raine's boxers; there had only been a very thin fabric between his mouth and his friend's dick. Other memories followed. His fingers wrapped around Raine; those of the man around him. Their groans, their panting. The passion in Raine's eyes when they were jerking each other off.
The memory made him feel so hot he wanted to throw away his blanket. He felt how Raine's body had shaped itself to his; his waist against his ass so he could feel the man's morning erection. His breathing sped up as he fantasized about being completely naked right now, and he wondered how it would feel to be filled by that beauty that had been in his hand last night. Immediately he felt ashamed of himself. He couldn't help it; there was just this negative association, it felt like fantasies like these were making less of a man of him. As if him being the one entering someone was the only wish that was permitted – and he didn't like that thought either, for it would feel like he would humiliate his friend.
Juice tried to shake off the thought.
It would never happen. Tonight had been a one-off thing; today, and all the days following, they would be just friends. Without benefits.
He closed his eyes again, allowing himself to enjoy Raine's embrace a little longer; his hand across his midriff, the cold rings against his flesh. He dozed off a bit, although he didn't fall asleep. Only when he felt lingering lips on his shoulder, he opened his eyes again.
"You're already awake, hmm?" Raine's voice sounded, hoarse with sleep.
"Kinda," Juice muttered. He turned around, regretting the movement when his friend took his arm away.
Was it over now? There was a growing emptiness in his chest. As he had turned himself to Raine, he didn't know what to do with his arm, eventually resting it on his own side.
"How do you feel?" Juice asked quietly.
He smiled a little sadly. "For a second, I felt a bizarre kind of happiness, when I realized I was lying here with you. Then I remembered yesterday." He sighed. "The funeral... It feels so surreal." Lifting his hand, his thumb lightly brushed the stubble on Juice's jaw. "How do you feel? About yesterday?"
He felt his cheeks turn flaming red and dropped his eyes. "I don't really know," he whispered. "I liked it," he forced himself to say. "I really did. Did you – did you like it too?"
"It was one of the hottest things I've ever done," Raine said, making his friend feel even hotter. Juice swallowed. "You make me so fucking gay." The Mayan chuckled, although he sounded a little tense. "You think we shouldn't have done it?" he asked softly. "Please look at me, baby."
Baby... He didn't like to be called like that by a man. Skittishly, he looked up.
"Do you regret what we did?"
"I don't know." There was a nasty, gnawing feeling in his stomach. He sat up straight. Suddenly, his head was a big mess. "I feel like a whore," he blurted out.
The words echoed through the room. He had no idea where that thought had come from and he certainly didn't know why he'd said that out loud. It however, did explain why he felt so nauseous and why the shame was burning deep inside him.
Raine said nothing, whilst he'd expected him to say something that would silence that stupid thought. Instead, he sat up straight too and stared at his knees.
I hurt him.
Juice was close to slapping himself. What the hell was wrong with him?! Why did he say something like that?! Fuck – he was ruining everything! That man buried his little sister yesterday and Juice was worried about feeling not manly enough?! He wanted to apologize, but the words got stuck in his throat.
Raine looked aside, his jaw clenched, the look in his eyes hurting Juice physically. "Then I guess I felt something else than you yesterday, for it meant something to me," he said in a cold tone, getting up and grabbing his sports bag. "I need a shower."
Juice's lips were moving – again he tried to say something. That he didn't mean it, that he had no idea why he'd said that. That it had meant something to him, too. But once Raine closed the door, not a single word had slipped his lips.
Now Raine might feel like a whore too, eager to wash away Juice's touches. He rubbed his face, wishing he could hide himself under the blankets and pretend this conversation had never taken place. He however, couldn't. Quietly, he started to dress himself, every movement feeling tough. He thought about Raine, who was showering now. Was he staring forward, an angry frown on his forehead? Or was he leaning with his head against the cold tiles of the wall, feeling defeated? Did he wish he'd never come here?
Juice took a few deep breaths and tried to suppress the sickness he felt. He needed to get his shit together before Raine was done showering. Hopefully he could convince him not to go home immediately. The thought that this might have been their last conversation, suffocated him.
Closing the bedroom door, he walked to the kitchen where Skye was making coffee.
"Hey sweetie," she said with a wide smile. "Damn, that were some hot sounds last night." Giggling, she winked.
Juice felt his cheeks glow. Quickly, he took a cup from the cupboards. "It's not what you think," he muttered.
"How do you know what I think?"
"We didn't... do it." Still avoiding her glance, he poured himself a cup of coffee. The smell worsened his nausea; he doubted he was actually going to drink this. His hand was shaking as he put back the coffeepot.
Skye noticed it, grabbing his hand. "Things weren't like you thought they would be? You're so nervous and... your eyes are not sparkling."
"I said something stupid to him," he said quietly. "And now I hurt him. He's gonna leave soon and I'm not sure if we –"
"Ssh, don't panic. Come on, sit down with me." Holding his hand, she led him to the couch, sitting down on it. "Tell me what happened."
He took a deep breath. Her thumb caressed his hand, making him feel a little more relaxed. "We wanted it to be for one night... Being lovers. We decided not to have sex – but we did some things. We – we enjoyed it, even though I panicked a few times. But once I woke up this morning, then..." He squeezed his eyes shut; he simply couldn't tell her he felt emasculated because of certain fantasies. "The thought that it had been for just one night.... it makes me feel sick. And when he asked me how I felt about last night I said – I said I felt like a whore. I just blurted it out. That thought hadn't crossed my mind at all, although I did feel filthy."
"You think he used you?"
Quickly, he shook his head. "No, he really didn't. He cared more about my needs than his own. But I just... I just have the feeling that what we did is wrong." With trembling fingers he rubbed his face. "I don't know Mouse," he whispered. "There are just too many loud thoughts in my head. That I'm betraying my brothers; that my longings are not natural; that we will never be more than each other's toys.... And now I'm terrified that I've pushed him away, that he doesn't want to be friends anymore and.... and... I just wanna be with him Mouse."
"Raine isn't going to leave you, Juice. He knows you, he knows how loud your head can be. Make him breakfast, tell him you didn't mean what you said and explain to him that you're still struggling with your sexuality, with your desires. You use to sleep with whores, Juice. If you believe this was a one-time thing, that association isn't that strange. What you two have is something new; you'll have to work it out together."
Juice wiped his eyes. Then he took a deep breath and nodded, feeling relieved that she told him what to do.
"Okay," he whispered. "Okay, I'll make him breakfast."
. . .
Raine mainly blamed himself for giving Juice the feeling that he was some object. If anything, he had tried really hard to monitor his friend's feelings and now it seemed he had failed. Had his lust blinded him? Or had Juice pretended to like it? Had it been his goal to distract him, even when he crossed his own borders in achieving it? Yesterday, he had noticed that Juice didn't know his own boundaries all too well, although it hadn't been very hard to read him. Every time he was close to crossing them, his breathing had changed and Raine had sensed his panic. However, not for a moment had he been convinced that Juice wanted to please him only to do him a favor; it felt rather like there were certain sexual longings that needed more time to grow.
He turned around, letting the water splash in his face. With his hands, he rubbed his face. Juice's words had hurt him and he had wanted to take a shower to get his thoughts straight. Yet, the disappointment didn't leave him; although he wasn't sure who was the cause of his disappointment; Juice or himself. Maybe it had been an error of judgment; thinking more intimacy wouldn't alter their friendship. Maybe he'd set the stakes too high, expecting too much from their friendship. Even at a distance, Juice had been such a great help; he'd thought a little more intimacy could only bring them closer.
Not for a moment, had he expected Juice to feel used.
Sighing, he turned off the water. He wasn't sure what to do now. He didn't want to avoid a conversation; they needed to talk about this, make things right. Hopefully, Juice's mind was calm enough to make it work.
After drying himself off and putting his clothes on, he left the bathroom. He put his sports bag down next to the wall. Quick footsteps neared him and Juice left the kitchen.
"I uh – I made you breakfast."
Raine heard the regret in his voice and knew his friend was trying to make amends. It was a sweet gesture; stirring the longing inside him to pull him into a hug, where after they would forget about earlier this morning.
But it wasn't that simple.
"Thanks."
Only now, Juice mustered up the courage to look up. The easiness with which Juice's confidence could be bruised, kept surprising him. Yesterday, they had explored each other's bodies, and now he was afraid that Raine would go home.
"There's bread in the oven. And I made an omelette."
"Sounds good!" He offered Juice a smile and headed to the table. Although he had seen Skye in the kitchen on his way to the bathroom, she had retreated to her room now.
Apart from a basket with warm bread, Juice also put a bowl of fruit yoghurt on the table. The man seemed to hesitate on where to sit down; across from Raine or next to him. In the end, he opted for the latter, as if it would make it easier to avoid Raine's glance.
"I'm sorry for what I said." Juice's bottom barely touched the seat before the apology rolled off his tongue.
"If that's how you really felt, you don't need to apologize," Raine answered. "It's just... I had no idea you felt that way. Yeah, I wanted to feel something else than the pain and the sadness, but it meant so much more to me. For one night, I just wanted... to have what we can't have."
Juice stared at the table top. "It felt amazing," He said softly, almost inaudible. "But when I woke up... Then there was this warm sensation only being with your partner can cause... And then I realized this was a one-time thing, and then it felt like all other one night stands I've had... With whores. I... I don't know why I called myself a whore. The realization that it had been for one night, was just such a strong contrast to that warm feeling."
Raine hesitated. Once he was a little further in his grieving process, he wanted to seriously consider a romantic relationship with his friend. But should he tell him that? He didn't want to give him false hopes; he believed it was better if he figured out his own needs before he would take care of those of Juice.
"You're not the only one with struggles like that," he said honestly. "Last night, it took me hours before I fell asleep; the thought that it had been for just one night was killing me. I'm in love with you, Juice. Madly in love. There's nothing I want more than being with you. The fact that we can't be together, doesn't change anything about what I feel."
Juice peeked aside, his cheeks a bright red. Raine felt the longing rise to grab his hand, but he didn't. It was better to create some distance.
At least for now.